Post # 1
I have gone anon because I really don’t want to be judged..
I am pregnant. This was not planned and I found out on a fluke. I estimated I was roughly 5 weeks. I am 23. DH and I have been married almost 2 years, but had a very rough year last year where we separated for a month.
I feel I am not ready, I am worried about money and I just have no maternal feelings at all.
Yesterday was the day of my scheduled termination. As I was preparing to leave, I looked at the positive pregnancy test and thought to myself “If I am meant to keep this baby, there will be a sign”.
At my appointment, the doctor couldn’t find anything on the ultrasound. He had to do a vaginal ultrasound and it showed I am just 3 weeks along. They couldn’t do the termination, I have to wait another month.
I don’t feel ready for a baby. My husband, although supportive of my decision, does want to keep the baby.
I feel yesterday was a sign.. but I am still not happy. I don’t want to tell my DH about my feelings, as I don’t want to get his hopes up.
I just don’t know what to do L
Post # 3
Ah.. this is really someone that noone can help you with.
do you want to have a child?
do you want a lifelong bond to your husband forever–even if you get divorced?
can you finacially support a baby.
most importantly, can you live “ok” knowing you had an abortion?
We support you in whatever you choose
Post # 4
I know people who didn’t get “maternal feelings” at all, through their whole pregnancy.
You need to have a huge talk to your husband, tell him exactly how you are feeling. This is one of those “what if” decisions in your life…will you and your husband be able to live with your decision if you choose to terminate?
In the end it is SOLEY YOUR decision…NO ONE ELSES. You need to do what is right for YOU first.
I wish you all the best hun…and I am sending you big hugs down your way <3
No one has the right to judge you…only you and your hubby know “YOUR” situation in detail.
Post # 5
What a tough place to be in. All I can say is a month is a long time. During that time things might change and it might be the time you need make up your mind 100% either way.
Thinking of you >>Hugs<<
Post # 6
@tfm: +1 This is a decision that you have to make yourself and I am sorry that you are being forced to make it. I don’t really have advice and I am not trying to sway you but I will say that my children are my reason for getting up in the morning and even though I am divorced and split custody is hell I wouldn’t change having them for anything. In my case though I was trying to have them and very maternal and 2 years older than you. Whatever you choose it will be ok. Hugs to you in this tough time.
Post # 7
I second the not counting maternal feelings a reason–if you genuinely don’t want children, that’s something to consider, but if you’re just not attached to your pregnancy…with my first I was MORE than halfway through before I even started to accept that I was having a baby, and even when she was born, I was like “Yep…that’s a baby.” Took some weeks to really feel like a Mom.
That being said, I don’t know if I believe in signs like that, I mean, really, when you come down to it, it’s science. Being 3 weeks along and not being able to see the pregnancy is normal. If you had been 5 weeks like you thought, would you have gone through with the termination? I wonder this, because you don’t say you feel relieved about it.
Scared about how your lives will change, apprehensive about being a good mother, nervous about finances…these are all completely normal.
Dread, fear and resignation are probably not what you’re looking for.
I suggest a LONG talk with your husband to sort out what it is you’re feeling and what you want to do. If you 100% don’t want a baby, then you go back in a month. If you’re nervous about the above things, then that’s what you talk through.
I support you either way, I just think you should be at peace with either decision you make.
Post # 8
First and foremost, you have to do what’s right for you.
None of us felt completely prepared for motherhood so don’t beat yourself up about that. Some of us felt maternal, some of us didn’t, and that’s okay too.
If you feel that you can’t completely bare your soul about this to your husband, do you have a very close friend you can confide in? Or perhaps Planned Parenthood or something similar?
As for anyone else judging you, ignore them. It’s not worth making yourself upset over other people’s opinions. Be kind to yourself and know that my thoughts are with you.
Post # 9
I suppose my feelings of reservations come from a few things
– I’m really scared about money. DH earns a really good wage, but we have plans for buying a house next year and getting out of debt.
– I planned on going back to university next year to finish my degree.
– I have no family support. My mother died when I was a child, my father lives an hour away with my stepmother who hates me and DH family live 4 hours away.
– I don’t have many friends, and the friends I do have don’t have children.
I just really don’t know..
Post # 10
@slingypanda: sorry to hear you are upset. I dont have specific advice as I have never had a pregnancy. At least 1 month gives you more time to discuss it with your husband and think about it, good luck.
Post # 11
@slingypanda: It is 1000 percent your choice in this matter, unfortunately we won’t be much help but you will find support regardless of your choice. That being said, extreme personal misgivings are more important than a coincidence (i.e the sign) IMO. I also truly believe that even in a marriage- the man’s opinion is valid but not one to sway yours. I’m sorry you are in such a tough posistion. I urge you to really consider what is best for you, your happiness, and the future. Best of luck in deciding, I hope you come to what makes you happiest.
Post # 12
All I’m gonna say is that when I was newlywed, I got preg on accident -switching BC methods… And I was not at all happy about the pg – we were not ready, but really when are u ever? I have the absolute BEST 17 y/o son now. 🙂 I don’t think there is ever a “right time”? I cannot imagine life w/o him, I love him more than anything! I think ppl will always have the feeling of not being ready…
Post # 13
If you are not sure if you want to do this, don’t.
Post # 14
I think you need to have a real heart to heart with your husband about this. Tell him everything you’re thinking and feeling because for one thing, he’ll be able to support you through this and for another, whatever you decide to do, having kept those feelings locked up could end up putting a wedge between the two of you.
Post # 15
+1 to all Bees who posted…I can say this when I got pregnant with my daughter 27 years ago I didnt feel maternal. I dont have a mother but I had a close friend who has always stepped in as one. I was 21 years old and not married and I called around for financial help to terminate the pregnancy. Long story short my close friend sat me down and said to me “do you see no one including the father will give you money, it is God’s will”. I had my daughter and my close friend was there with me every step of the way and I cant say it wasnt hard but I love her and the baby changed my life. She made me more determine to do my best. I went back to school, got a degree, and became the best parent I could be. I guess I did such a good job that my sister gave me her daughter to raise at the age of 2wks old she is now 18. So if you are spiritual and you asked for a sign and God gave it to you than you have your answer. I hope this helps God bless you.
Post # 16
Have a heart to heart with yourself, first, before talking with your husband or anyone else. Be as secure as you can in your own thoughts and feelings because you can be sure he is in his. Go somewhere peaceful by yourself and clear your mind. Be brave enough to ask yourself those tough questions and listen to your inner voice. As much as everyone lives far away, and you may not have maternal instincts now, perhaps this is a time in your life to take hold of all that, step into a part of yourself you never even thought possible. Or perhaps this is not the time but another time down the road. Or not at all. Whatever the answer give yourself permission to feel it and know it and act on it. Then, be brave enough to ask your husband those tough questions, too. Thinking of you lots and sending you strength and clarity.