Asked for divorce, why am I so devastated?

posted 1 week ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
93 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

You feel devasated because divorce is hard even when you want out. No one goes into marriage thinking it will end in divorce – and if you do, you shouldn’t be getting married. Don’t think of yourself as a failure. You tried to make things work and sometimes the only way out of a toxic relationship is ending it. Sometimes relationships can’t work. It’s sad and it’s okay to mourn the loss of your marriage, but it’s also healthy for you to move on. You are still young and you sound like a good person. I am confident you will find what you deserve someday. Good luck and hugs.

Post # 4
Member
448 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2019

I think you might need to remind yourself that you aren’t doing this to him – he’s doing it to himself.  He has chosen to put himself in such a financially precarious position that he can’t sustain himself without the relationship.  Personally I cringe at the idea that you’re taking so much responsibility for this and planning to continue supporting him for so long after your marriage.  That’s not kind, that’s enabling.  I realize it may feel cruel but he may need that wakeup call to get it together.  He’s 38 and it doesn’t sound as if he was underemployed to take care of children or take on a disproportionate amount of household responsibilities intentionally so you could advance your career.

Post # 5
Member
551 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

Hugs bee. The situation sucks but it will get better. Just remember he’s an adult and can take care of himself and should be expected to take care of himself

Post # 6
Member
5322 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

You don’t need to feel guilty over someone else choosing not to adult. You don’t need to cover rent and insurance, car payments, etc. it’s not your fault he has made it to this age while mooching off of others instead of learning self-sustenance.  My BIL is a bit late or that. Moves on a whim, no savings, no steady job. I like him but it’s nor my problem. 

He has a job now, he will just have to keep it or move back to his family. If he can’t live alone, tough luck. I realize it’s easy to say since I don’t know of love the man you are divorcing, but it’s true.

as for you, if you don’t want to come home to an empty house, get a roommate. Get a dog. Both have jobs and responsibilities, show loyalty and won’t drag you down with them. A dog will always be happy to see you.  But don’t let the fear of being alone take over your good sense. You are going to feel so free.

Post # 7
Member
806 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Part of divorce is learning how to be “me” again instead of “we”

It’s hard, but ultimately he will be responsible for himself as he should be, and while it’s easy to say from this side of the keyboard that you should not feel guilt, you do need to worry about yourself first – not him.

He’s an adult that is 10 years older than you – it’s high time he got his financial shit together, and try to look at this as a favor to him. He can’t be carried throughout life 🙂

Post # 8
Member
5892 posts
Bee Keeper

(((hugs))) If your DH does indeed have mental health issues (from the way you describe things, it sounds more suspected than diagnosed) this isn’t his fault- BUT not getting proper treatment to deal with his mental health issues while the fallout from this negatively affects you IS his doing & is so unfair that you truly, truly can’t blame yourself for saying ‘enough is enough’ and looking out for your own well being. 

Because it sounds to me like you’ve both been looking out for him in this relationship and no-one’s been looking out for you. Even now, on the brink of divorce, you’re both worried about him and no-one’s taking care of you. 

True, you have the healthier financial situation- but you’ve been very generous in your offers to help him get on his feet. BUT he needs to want to get on his own feet, not continue to be supported by you indefinitely- this is unfair to you and only enabling him to continue being dependent. 

It’s understandable that you’re going through a lot of different emotions here Bee- just please be clear to yourself that you’re not the bad guy here. Offer him temporary short term financial assistance, grieve your relationship, but also focus on some long overdue self-care. You may not realize this yet, but you need to recover too. 

Post # 11
Member
67 posts
Worker bee

jbeebee :  Divorce is so hard even under the best of circumstances. Grieve this part of your life and set yourself free. You do not owe him anything, quite frankly. A 38 year old man who can’t even afford groceries is not your bill to foot. It’s just not. If he is bipolar he needs to seek treatment and help. You are so young. You will find love again and will have a good life but right now you need to close this book. He is not your responsibility. The fact that you feel it is means he has been manipulating you. Cut the cord cold turkey. Change your locks, change your phone number. Grief and guilt will give way to relief.

Post # 12
Member
7638 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2016

Straight up, he’s a parasite that’s using you as a host to survive. Don’t feel bad that you’re pulling off a tick that would eventually give you a terrible disease and kill you. 

Post # 14
Member
724 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

You typed a sentence in particular that really said a lot to me, “losing the only friend I’ve had for 6 years”. Why is that? Is this because he has alienated you? Because you’ve been so busy taking care of him (raising him) that you haven’t had time for a life of your own? That alone speaks volumes to me. 

You aren’t ruining him. He ruined himself AND his marriage. This is a non-healthy co-dependent relationship. If he has mental health issues, he needs to seek help for them. Surely this has been discussed in the past? 

You are 10 years older than him and he can’t even buy groceries? If you were reading this post as written by someone else, what would you think?

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