Post # 31
My gosh, every post you add about it reveals what a fuck up this guy truly is. He ONLY has $1400 to live on AFTER he pays child support? Then he’s doing quite well for himself. If he blows it all, that’s on him. And yes, you are partly to blame for footing his bills. But he has emotionally abused you to the point where it seemed normal to you. That’s not wholly your fault.
You need to get far away from this man. He’s been divorced twice. I can only imagine why!
Post # 32
jbeebee : You’ve gotten some great advice already so I will just mention that if your company offers an EAP (Employee Assistance Program), you should take advantage of this benefit during this time. It is a wonderful and completely confidential resource that can help you while your dealing with the stress, emotions and finances of a divorce. Your HR department can provide you with the information.
Post # 33
He owes $40K to unemployment? How, exactly, did that come to be?
Post # 34
He’s manipulating the hell out of you and always has. Thank gawd your parents were clear eyed enough to insist on a pre nup. Let’s hope it holds up in court.
You may ultimately have to give him a lump sum just to get rid of him. It will be the best investment you will ever make. Let your attorney be your guide on anything to do with money. Don’t give him another cent unless your lawyer advises you to.
I remember the non stop crying for days after I left my abusive ex. Traumatic bonds are harder to break than healthy ones. See The Betrayal Bond, by Dr Patrick Carnes. Consider antidepressants to help get you through this. That’s what pulled me out of the ditch.
Post # 35
Thank you all, it means so much to me to hear supportive words. And the 40k he owes, idk. It was from before we met. He’s told me the “story” as his ex signed him up and took it all but I have a hard time believing that.
Post # 36
If I were you I’d take the energy you’re focusing on him and instead bring it back to yourself and how you move forward. It’s great to hear that you’re already in therapy. I have a therapist and I find her invaluable in working through things and finding healthy ways to deal with my feelings and life changes. One thing I often find helps is to take things one small step at a time. Figure out some small things you can do for you and your wellbeing now. If loneliness is a concern maybe take some steps to start meeting people (platonically) or reconnect with people.
I’d also definitely work through why it is you ended up in this relationship in the first place so you don’t end up repeating it with someone else. You sound successful, stable and emotionally mature — how did you end up with someone like this?
Post # 37
jbeebee : you tried. Which is more than we can say about him. He is a grown @$$ man who can take care of himself. At 38, you’re doing him a favor. Maybe this will give him the kick in the pants he needs to shape up.
Also, focus on you and your healing. Sure he’s lost his sugar momma but he’s a grown man. You need to focus on your needs during this difficult time. Pamper yourself, eat well, exercise, hang out with friends, etc.
Post # 38
I’m sorry to hear you’re going through bee! *hug*
Stay in the house. Don’t do anything til you’ve talked to your lawyer. Don’t give him any money. This is up to the courts now. Be amicable. From this moment on everything that happens is a business transaction and he’ll likely get desperate and pull every trick in the book.
Post # 39
I cant imagine what you are going through.
All I have to say is, you sound like a lovely and caring person and you should be proud of that.
But please dont care for him financially anymore. He is old enough to take care of himself. If you love him then you wont pay his way. It sounds like he needs tough love to make him realise he needs to act more as an adult.
Paying his car and rent wont really help him and it won’t end at that. The more you give him the more he will want.
Post # 40
Very true. And I ended up with him because I met him towards the final year of my college degree. I planned it to just be a temporary thing as I was moving back home soon. I wasn’t in a career yet and didn’t have major responsibilities. It just evolved over the years to being “us” and as I progressed in maturity and responsibilities and with my career he seemed to stay in the same place. I stupidly expected him to change and grow with me but that’s not what happened, until one day I woke up and realized I was married to a stranger.
Post # 41
Thank you all so much for your care and advice. It’s moments like these where I feel the real weight of loneliness and even a few kind words from a stranger keep me a little bit more stable. If forums weren’t a thing I’d probably lose my mind…
Post # 42
I divorced my first husband in my late 20s. He was lazy and immature and a mooch. I should have done it sooner but I didn’t feel “justified” because he wasn’t beating me up or on drugs. It was really hard to admit that I made a bad decision and one person can not sustain a relationship no matter how hard they try.
He was devastated and desperate and I did have to give him some money (lump sum plus several years of alimony) but it was worth it. I grew sooooo much in my 30s and am now remarried to an amazing true partner. Night and day.
It will get better. It’s a shift in your whole universe but once you get through the hardest parts – you will not believe the weight that is off your shoulders.
Post # 43
I think I’m going to need more therapy. I’ve bawled for two days straight. He hasn’t so much as shed a tear (in front of me anyway). I know I asked for the divorce but it was something he had said he wanted too.
now my mind just races. Races with what it was supposed to be. How he was supposed to be. How I was supposed to be. Crying over lost dreams and plans. Crying over every memory in our home. Maybe if I had been less selfish, or demanding, or uptight, or controlling. If I’d made my career less of a priority, and changed my last name, and given him more sex. If he’d been more pro-active or responsible or just downright nice in a fight.
6 years of cruel fights devastated me and I dreamed of being “free”, yet I just started belly sobbing over a can opener (one he picked out and I remember being a point of funny memories). I feel so guilty and at the same time so abandoned, as though he left a long time ago and I’m just cleaning out the mess now.
i use to take comfort in people’s disapproval of him because it meant I wasn’t crazy. Now I’m just sobbing over the same thing…
i don’t see how people get through this. The pain is unbearable. The regret of both our behaviors over the years is devastating. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. He’s my best and only friend. I love him so much, so why was I so miserable for the last few years? Am I one of those awful people that is impossible to please?
im not sure I’ve ever felt this depressed. Life doesn’t even feel worth living if it, by nature, is full of moments, hours, days like this. It feels so dark and lonely
Post # 44
jbeebee : Don’t feel that way, bee. You aren’t impossible to please. He’s portrayed you that way because of his own shortcomings. You’ve made the right decision. It’s undeniable that you love him and have for a long time. You love him so much that you’re willing to let him go because you know that you are not the right person for him.
If you stay together, you will constatly dwell over his shortcomings and he will always think of you as this monster because he will never live up to your standards. It would be a self-perpetuating life sentence for both of you. You would constatly be wondering why he doesn’t live up to his potential and he would constantly be wondering why you’re so mean.
Because you love him, you know that this is not the life you want for him nor yourself. You deserve to find a relationship with someone who has as much drive and wherewithall as you do; something truly fulfilling for you. He deserves to be with someone that he can make happy. Neither one of you is that person for the other. Things will be better for both of you, bee. I’m sorry you’re so sad but I know that you will see it this way soon! Keep being strong for both of your sakes.
Post # 45
jbeebee : You’re grieving, which is normal for what you’re going through. You’re grieving the end of the dream, not of what really was, but your dream of what it was supposed to be. Stay strong. Let yourself cry, feel the pain. Don’t despair and don’t give up hope. Many of us here have been where you are now and we came through it much stronger on the other side. You will too.
When you’ve healed you will be free to live the life of your dreams and find real love. What you had with your ex was not love; keep telling yourself that. It was toxic and wrong. You are doing the right thing by moving forward without him. One day you will look back and be very happy with yourself that you remained strong. The love of your life is out there! Take one day at a time, one breath at a time and survive and learn to thrive. You will find him (the right one) when the time is right.