Asked for divorce, why am I so devastated?

posted 6 days ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
720 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

My gosh, every post you add about it reveals what a fuck up this guy truly is. He ONLY has $1400 to live on AFTER he pays child support? Then he’s doing quite well for himself. If he blows it all, that’s on him. And yes, you are partly to blame for footing his bills. But he has emotionally abused you to the point where it seemed normal to you. That’s not wholly your fault. 

You need to get far away from this man. He’s been divorced twice. I can only imagine why!

Post # 32
Member
33 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2014

jbeebee :  You’ve gotten some great advice already so I will just mention that if your company offers an EAP (Employee Assistance Program), you should take advantage of this benefit during this time. It is a wonderful and completely confidential resource that can help you while your dealing with the stress, emotions and finances of a divorce. Your HR department can provide you with the information. 

Post # 33
Member
6670 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

jbeebee :  

He owes $40K to unemployment?  How, exactly, did that come to be?

 

Post # 34
Member
6670 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

jbeebee :  

He’s manipulating the hell out of you and always has.  Thank gawd your parents were clear eyed enough to insist on a pre nup.  Let’s hope it holds up in court.

You may ultimately have to give him a lump sum just to get rid of him.  It will be the best investment you will ever make.  Let your attorney be your guide on anything to do with money.  Don’t give him another cent unless your lawyer advises you to.

I remember the non stop crying for days after I left my abusive ex.  Traumatic bonds are harder to break than healthy ones.  See The Betrayal Bond, by Dr Patrick Carnes.  Consider antidepressants to help get you through this.  That’s what pulled me out of the ditch.

Post # 36
Member
434 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2019

If I were you I’d take the energy you’re focusing on him and instead bring it back to yourself and how you move forward.  It’s great to hear that you’re already in therapy.  I have a therapist and I find her invaluable in working through things and finding healthy ways to deal with my feelings and life changes.  One thing I often find helps is to take things one small step at a time.  Figure out some small things you can do for you and your wellbeing now.  If loneliness is a concern maybe take some steps to start meeting people (platonically) or reconnect with people.

I’d also definitely work through why it is you ended up in this relationship in the first place so you don’t end up repeating it with someone else.  You sound successful, stable and emotionally mature — how did you end up with someone like this?

Post # 37
Member
702 posts
Busy bee

jbeebee :  you tried. Which is more than we can say about him. He is a grown @$$ man who can take care of himself. At 38, you’re doing him a favor. Maybe this will give him the kick in the pants he needs to shape up. 

Also, focus on you and your healing. Sure he’s lost his sugar momma but he’s a grown man. You need to focus on your needs during this difficult time. Pamper yourself, eat well, exercise, hang out with friends, etc. 

Post # 38
Member
292 posts
Helper bee

I’m sorry to hear you’re going through bee! *hug*

Stay in the house. Don’t do anything til you’ve talked to your lawyer. Don’t give him any money. This is up to the courts now. Be amicable. From this moment on everything that happens is a business transaction and he’ll likely get desperate and pull every trick in the book. 

Post # 39
Member
98 posts
Worker bee

I cant imagine what you are going through.

All I have to say is, you sound like a lovely and caring person and you should be proud of that.

But please dont care for him financially anymore. He is old enough to take care of himself. If you love him then you wont pay his way. It sounds like he needs tough love to make him realise he needs to act more as an adult.

Paying his car and rent wont really help him and it won’t end at that. The more you give him the more he will want. 

Post # 42
Member
423 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

I divorced my first husband in my late 20s. He was lazy and immature and a mooch. I should have done it sooner but I didn’t feel “justified” because he wasn’t beating me up or on drugs. It was really hard to admit that I made a bad decision and one person can not sustain a relationship no matter how hard they try. 

He was devastated and desperate and I did have to give him some money (lump sum plus several years of alimony) but it was worth it. I grew sooooo much in my 30s and am now remarried to an amazing true partner. Night and day.  

It will get better. It’s a shift in your whole universe but once you get through the hardest parts – you will not believe the weight that is off your shoulders. 

Post # 44
Member
417 posts
Helper bee

jbeebee :  Don’t feel that way, bee.  You aren’t impossible to please.  He’s portrayed you that way because of his own shortcomings.  You’ve made the right decision.  It’s undeniable that you love him and have for a long time.  You love him so much that you’re willing to let him go because you know that you are not the right person for him.

If you stay together, you will constatly dwell over his shortcomings and he will always think of you as this monster because he will never live up to your standards.  It would be a self-perpetuating life sentence for both of you.  You would constatly be wondering why he doesn’t live up to his potential and he would constantly be wondering why you’re so mean. 

Because you love him, you know that this is not the life you want for him nor yourself.  You deserve to find a relationship with someone who has as much drive and wherewithall as you do; something truly fulfilling for you.  He deserves to be with someone that he can make happy.  Neither one of you is that person for the other.  Things will be better for both of you, bee.  I’m sorry you’re so sad but I know that you will see it this way soon! Keep being strong for both of your sakes.

Post # 45
Member
9631 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

jbeebee :  You’re grieving, which is normal for what you’re going through.  You’re grieving the end of the dream, not of what really was, but your dream of what it was supposed to be.  Stay strong.  Let yourself cry, feel the pain.  Don’t despair and don’t give up hope.  Many of us here have been where you are now and we came through it much stronger on the other side.  You will too.

When you’ve healed you will be free to live the life of your dreams and find real love.  What you had with your ex was not love; keep telling yourself that.  It was toxic and wrong.  You are doing the right thing by moving forward without him.  One day you will look back and be very happy with yourself that you remained strong.  The love of your life is out there!  Take one day at a time, one breath at a time and survive and learn to thrive.  You will find him (the right one) when the time is right.

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