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Hi hive! I'm usually more of a lurker on these boards, but I was wondering if this had happened to anyone else ...
So, BF and I have been together almost 6 years now. Would like to think his family sees me as "the real deal" especially considering how often they ask when we're getting engaged. So now, we're at his family reunion and it's time for group pictures. BF's sister (a close friend) dragged me over to the middle of the grandkids' area. The camera was ready to go ... and one of his aunts says, "Oh hey, BlondieBri - can you get out of the picture? Thanks!"
Um, am I wrong to have been pretty hurt by that? After all this time, I'm not welcome in any photos? :( His family is fairly small and I know all of them. To be fair, I was the only person not part of the family by blood or marriage, but I guess I don't see how I would have ruined a group photo. It may just be that it's different for large families like mine and I'm overreacting. Sigh.
Anyone else ever get the boot like I did?
I haven't gotten the boot like that, no. BUT-- i don't really think it is unreasonable. Family reunions are kind of special and rare, and they probably want a group photo of only the "family." Yes, you've been with your bf for six years, but he has yet to make you family. It doesn't seem totally unreasonable to not accept you as family until HE makes you family by proposing. It could be that they REALLY like you and hope he will propose... but until he does you're still the girl friend. Sorry :(
Yep, been there. Good thing the fam kicked me out bc we broke up lol. But in your case, id be hurt as well (the one I was kicked out of was about 2 years...) Try to take it lightly, they probably didnt even consider how you'd feel, they probably just figured that since you werent married it was obvious. Youll be in there one day :)
I was never in a situation excatly like this, but I wouldn't of been surprised if it would of happened.
If it makes you feel any better, after 4 years of dating, my husband's mother would still introduced me as "her son's friend" not girlfriend, just friend :)
I've gotten the boot from photos before FI and I were engaged. It was when a bunch of family was all together (not technically a reunion, but might as well have been) and I was definitely NOT invited to join in the photos - and I was the only one there who wasn't technically related. I didn't take it as too much of an insult, though, because I understood that they wanted some family photos, and FI and I weren't engaged yet (though we had been dating for about 3 years and got engaged shortly after...whatever!)
Ouch. Very, very ouch. *HUGS*I'm really sorry that that happened...it totally sucks. I know that some people figure that if you're not committed by blood or marriage, they don't feel you've earned the "right" to be in a family picture. This view is - in my humble opinion- twisted. Getting the boot is both humiliating and degrading. Like you've been downgraded to "family friend". I don't know. I can kind of see the other side, but if you've been around for more than five years and you're planning on getting married...
I've always removed myself from this situation and waited for an invitation from the BF's parents. I've just always been particularly sensitive about not looking like I've invited myself into the family (not that I'm saying you did, but I've had some BFs with very sensitive mothers in the past). While you feel close to the family - you really aren't family...yet! I know many families that don't include GFs and BFs in the reunion celebrations at all, so I'd try to focus on being excited that they included you in the event instead of being upset they wanted a family picture. And when you are engaged/married, being included in the picture will be that much more meaningful! I'm sure it hurt, but I honestly don't think they meant to be hurtful - if just wasn't addressed as sensitively as it could have been (by the aunt).
I don't think that's right at all. You're his partner and a big part of his life for a long time now. Yeah you might never marry and break up but married people get divorced all the time! In my family if SOs are included they are included regardless of any rings. It hardly ruins the picture to have someone's partner in them.
Sorry that happened. :( Hope your FI was upset too.
That stinks. The Gmom is probably very traditional, my GMom still calls FI my "Friend". Not that this will happen to you, but I was actually included in my Ex's brothers wedding photos and totally regret it to this day. We had been together for about a year, so I could see why they chose to include me, but I really wish I had stepped out b/c now it's weird that I'm in the pix. I mean, we broke up like right after that wedding too.
So I can see why she would do it, but even if something happens between you two the fact that you've been together makes you family at least for now.
I have been in that situation with my ex-husband when we were dating. They took some "with" and "without". At the time I was a little hurt, but now I totally get it.
That is so rude! I would have been so hurt I would have probably started crying!!! I'm sorry that happened to you!
I've done the boot-ing before, actually. I understand that it probably sucks, but at least it's a clean line to draw. We kicked my cousin's girlfriend out of a whole bunch of photos at my mom's wedding this past summer... I guess she was his fiancee but he hadn't come out and told anyone that yet, and he's still married to his ex-wife so I didn't really feel all that guilty. ;)
Huh....I've had both experiences with the family. It really depended on who wanted the picture taken in the first place. Before engagement, I was usually included in immediate family pictures by his mom, but not by his dad. In extended family, I was included but he has a big family so it was a lot of people. After engagement included in all. I would say try not to take it to heart. Many boyfriends/girlfriends aren't included in family reunions at all! Be thankful they think of you as close enough to family to be invited!
Aww. That does suck but I don't think it's completely unreasonable for them to want a "family" picture. The aunt could definitely have asked a little nicer though. I'm sure it stung at the time and I would feel the same way but I wouldn't let it get to you. Just because you aren't considered "family" doesn't mean they don't like you.
Even my parents don't always go into all the inlaws family photos. They're in some and then they get just their kids in some. Or all the grandkids go in a photo and even spouses are excluded. Of course not for all the photos but for at least some of them when a family reunion happens.
Yep, been there! When my ex of five years graduated college, his mom threw him a graduation party. When it came time for pics, they asked me to step out of them. I had dated him for about four years at this point and we lived together. It was really hurtful, especially b/c she treated me like a maid the whole time! I ended up in the kitchen, cooking the apps and refilling the tables! It really sucked. :(
It's actually funny that you posted this today. This past weekend, we took family photos for the first time ever. It was my parent's children and grandkids. And in some photos we asked my brother's wife (my sis in law) who we love totally and dearly to step out. It is not a snub, it's because my parents have no pics of just their 3 adult children so we wanted some with just us. She was included in the overall group shots with the grandkids. I would hope she wasn't offended by this.
omg that happend to me after 7 years, and his mom kicked me out! but not her boyfriend. btw fi and I had lived together and dated longer. the pic is framed in the hall now and I walk past it everytime we are at his moms. and it makes me mad, everytime.
I have been kicked out of pictures before by my fiance's grandma. The first time we have been together for about 3 years, it was a family reunion, his mom had me come get in the picture next to her, my fiance, and his brother, they took one picture then the grandma stood up and told me I wasnt allowed to be in the picture and they had to retake that one. Yeah it hurt since his mom was the one that made me get in it. Last year at his cousins wedding, about a month before we got engaged (at this time it had been about 7 years of dating), his cousin (the bride) wanted me to be in the family picture but she said I couldnt be because I wasnt family, but this one hurt alot more, because the grandma called his other cousins boyfriend over to be in the picture- they had been together about 6 months at the time. But the grandma said he was going to be family one day so it was ok. Then last week at Christmas, his whole family got togeter, which they NEVER do, so there was again a family picture, I did not want to be in it all after the last couple times. But his aunt really wanted me to be, everyone could tell the grandma was about to say something, but the aunt spoke up first and was like come-on you know you've been apart of this family for almost 8 years now. Meanwhile, he has been in every single family picture my family takes and he has been on my moms christmas card for the past like 5 years.
Thanks, guys! I appreciate the different perspectives - my huge family would likely invite the entire banquet staff into family photos if they were walking by. So that's what I'm used to.
I def see where his aunt was coming from, I think I was just embarrassed to be called out like that more than anything. I should have stuck to my shy gut and left his sister there. :( oh well!
i remember at my paternal grandparents' 50th anniversary, my mom was pissed because she was excluded from some of the family photos--this was after my parents had been married for about 25 years. ridiculous! some people just have a really exclusive view of family--by blood, by marriage, etc. i'm sorry you had to go through it, esp since his sister pulled you into the pic....
I understand that it's hurtful, but we do this in my family with bfs/gfs. Once people are engaged, they get in the pictures. You just never know what can happen to a relationship and imagine how awkward it would be to have someone's ex in our family photo. So my family has decided to draw the line at FIs, and everyone understands that now. I remember the first time it happened, there was a little tiff, but then word got around and everyone knows now. I know it's hard, but try not to take it personally if it's just a rule the family has.
Like the other Bees have said, don't feel too bad about it. You'll have plenty opportunities to be included in family photos when you're married! My ex-boyfriend's sister and her husband asked my brother (weird, but we were all pretty close) to be in their wedding. We broke up about a year later, and I know that to this day, they have a shot of the wedding party int heir house.... and my brother is in it. And we haven't spoken to my ex-boyfriends family in YEARS. Awkward.
I'm sorry this happened. I guess the worst part was that you were dragged over to the grandkids area, so I'd be hurt too. I doubt you would have gone over there on your own!
that is hurtful, especially since you were extended the invitation to be in the photo and then were asked to move. it's a weird thing. i am actually on the other side where i have been in family photos and the annual family calendar for at least the last 2 years and i feel guilty since we're not engaged yet (and lord knows when/if it will happen). but i think older generations of people feel that family is literally by blood or by marriage so anyone in the grey area doesn't "count," and sadly one has to respect that.
It was rather unkind but a reasonable request. Family reunion photos are meant to document family - which you are not (yet). I avoided the awkwardness by removing myself from all family photos pre-engagement. Sometimes the family invited me in, which was nice, but if not that was fine too.
This is pretty common (as the other bees have told you) I have even been left out of pictures in my FI family recently (xmas) but the family is a bit weird so I just chalk it up to that! Don't fret about it!
Yes, that was sort of rude especailly since his aunt ask and not his parents. I would be hurt but like others have said, do not worry about it. Some familes are just like that....Also, talk to your BF about it and see what he thinks.
I'm sorry this happened to you, and yeah, you have been together a long time & I think it is weird that it was an aunt that kicked you out of the picture. However, I have been on the other side of the situation. I had been with an ex-bf for 2 1/2 years when my youngest sister got married, we had been going back and forth on marriage, so I requested he not be in any photos. A couple of months later, we had worked things out (I thought) so when my other sister got married, he was in a lot of the pictures. Six months down the road, he was out of the picture and my sister had some pictures redone to get rid of him. Granted, wedding more formal than a family get together, but my family also has tons of pictures with a bf one of my sister's dated for over 7 years before they parted ways- no one wants to throw them away, but they don't come out often either. Try to put it aside and know that there will be plenty of pictures with you in them in the future!
I understand where the aunt was coming from, but think that she could've been a lot more sensitive in making her request.
Eh, thats a tough situation, but I can see both sides. She definitely should have been more sensitive about it, but I'm sure she didnt think about it. She was in the middle of taking a picture and probably was just focusing on the photo and not how she sounded.
That said, I, myself, wouldn't have gotten in the family photo unless I was specifically asked by Mr. Rainbow's parents or the picture taker. I mean, it was a family photo and even if you've been dating for years, you're technically not family, even though you and a few others may feel like it.
Whoo. That stinks! I'm sorry your bf's aunt was so tactless about asking you to step out. My BIL wasn't allowed in any of our Christmas card photos until he and my sister were engaged, but my now-husband was in the card one year before we were engaged. (Boy was my sister pissed, even though it had been almost 8 years since her husband was in the card.)
At our wedding, I made a point of getting most of the family photos with significant others, but some without (especially since my BIL and his girlfriend are in college and had been dating for less than a year). I wanted his gf to be included, but I also want family photos that won't make his wife bristle in 15 years if he ends up with someone else...
I wouldn't feel too bad about it. Some people probably only want family in the picture and since you aren't officially family yet, they probably don't think that it is approprate. Just rub it in her face when you become part of the family!
There are two very different schools on this and I happen to know both of them well. My mom is very open and will let boyfriends be part of the family, no thinking twice about it. My dad and stepmom didn't even want my BF (now FI) to come to Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner last year after we'd been dating for 10 months! Even this year, he made a big deal about not giving my FI the same Xmas gift that my actual brother-in-laws got. Like I cared. God forbid I ask to have him in a family pic pre-wedding. I would be afraid to ask! Its frustating to no end to have to deal with that, but in the end, you just gotta know that its the way some people are and they don't mean to offend.
I'm sorry you had that experience. Mine was the opposite experience. At FSIL's wedding, I tried to stay out of the pictures and they were offended. I think it just depends. They probably didn't mean to offend you, they were probably just thinking of related or related by marriage and what not.
i agree that it sucks, but i was a girlfriend who was asked to be in my bf's mom's wedding photos (i actually tried to duck out because i wasn't family, and they asked me to be in ALL of them), and we ended up breaking up. now she has her sons ex in all of her family wedding pics. her fault.
I can see where his aunt is coming from, and if you and your SO hadn't been dating for so long it would be perfectly reasonable, but in this situation I would have been offended. If you go to another of your SO's family reunions before you "officially" become part of the family, I would make sure this was cleared up in advance and have someone from your SO's family talk to that aunt. Or maybe take two pictures--one with just family, and one with significant others, too. But I think it was definitely good that you didn't cause a scene at the time--that would have only made things worse.
Luckily, my future-in-laws was incredibly welcoming from the beginning and when I volunteered to step out of family photos, they told me I was being silly and to get back in the picture!
I wasnt able to be in my DH's family Christmas pic they mail out until I was "official" by being engaged - which I totally understand. When I read the title of your post, I expected it to be family pics for a wedding and wouldve agreed that you probably shouldnt have been in them or at least not been in a couple. Because it was a family reunion, I was a little surprise they didnt let you in the photo but I guess I understand where they are coming from. They probably just wanted a picture of "family" even though you have been dating for so long. I agree she couldve asked you in a different way, Id be embarassed too!
I wouldn't be happy, but try not to let it get to you too much. Yes, some people do have a very stringent view of who counts as family, and while you have been around a long time, the divide is still present to some. I avoid being in BF's family photos and he will often complain when I duck out. I simply remind him that I'm not family and I'm taking my cues from him--when he makes me family, I'll jump right in. Until then, he has to suffer the camera flash alone. Perhaps his aunt had a very specific purpose for that photo.
um in reality--you are not a part of the family officially.
so I agree with what the aunt did. it makes sense.
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