- 5 years ago
I know many waiting bees talk about vague timelines or their SO’s talk about living together and getting engaged. I don’t even have that much, we never talk about the future. It’s not something I harp on because we appreciate our day to day and I don’t believe in micro-managing the future. But a girl cannot survive on crumbs alone! We both need to have a sense of where we’re going and when we’re getting there. The few times I have brought up anything future related, it’s me talking at him and getting upset and then him getting upset for upsetting me. Not very productive lol. I love him, we’re great together, he cares about me and respects me and treats me well. I don’t doubt his love or committment to me whatsoever. It’s just this topic is never addressed. This is a message I’m going to send him, to avoid me crying and talking at him and not saying everything I want to say.
OK, I’m saying this in an email because I want to express myself clearly and not get all flustered talking face to face. Which happens all the time. And I feel like I’m talking, talking, talking at you. This wasn’t brought on by anything recently said or done, these thoughts have been percolating for a while.
We are equals in this relationship and if we are waiting to take the next step, then we are waiting together. I am not the little woman waiting for you, the big strong breadwinner, to put a ring on it. Choosing to get married should be a joint decision, not something you are pressured to surprise me with. I’ve always said, I don’t care about the titles as long as we’re together. But I would like for us to get married some day. And I’m ok with us waiting because there are things in my life I need to settle so that we can start our life together with a clean slate. That is my reason for waiting, along with wanting to save money. I’m not waiting because I’m unsure about you/us or that I’m not ready to commit. I do want to save for us so that we can build a life together. When we’re living together, our expenses and finances will be linked anyway so it’s us and our decisions.
Also, I want to help pay for an engagement ring. I’ve brought it up a couple of times but I don’t know if you have taken me seriously. It’s not a token statement that I feel obligated to put out there. I truly, genuinely want to do it together. It’s a step forward in our relationship and a symbol of our promise to each other so why shouldn’t we both be involved? I’m not trying to undermine you or lessen your role, I’m not trying to be a man-eater and bruise your ego. I know you’re a traditional guy, I appreciate that about you. But we have to do what works best for both of us.
I know you don’t like to talk about things unless they’re imminent. I understand, we don’t know what’s going to happen when we wake up tomorrow. But some things need a tentative timeline and that needs to be discussed. So we’ll know what we want to do, when we want to do it and that way, we can be prepared. If we never talk about it, how will we know when we’re ready? It’s not something we have to discuss ad nauseam but, every once in a while, check in with each other. For example, I see us living together in a couple of years. I don’t know what you see. But those couple of years gives both of us time to prepare and tie up any loose ends. And that time flies by! We’ve been together for almost 3 years, where has the time gone? I still remember that first NYE’s party like it was last week. I’m not afraid to think a few years down the line with you because I see us together and happy. I can’t imagine any path my life would take without you.
I want us to be open and communicate with each other. It’s not that I’m obsessed with marriage, far from it. Frankly, I could be engaged forever; marriage is paperwork that makes social and legal issues more convenient. But whenever I bring up our future, I get frustrated because I feel like you’re stone walling me. Or you say that you haven’t thought about it. That’s not reassuring to hear, that my boyfriend, with whom I have a serious, committed relationship, has not thought about our future whatsoever.
I just don’t want you to feel pressured because you think I have these expectations of grandeur. You know me, I’m not about rom-com theatrics. All I want is you and your sincerity. Honestly, when the time came, if you proposed while we were cuddling in bed with miss kitty (my cat, obviously), that would be perfection. I want you to know these things and I want to know what you think about these things.
Please really think about everything I’ve said and try to understand where I’m coming from.
I love you.