(Closed) Asking BF for some communication (long)

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
6745 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

Oh man, way to take the emotion and romance out of this whole process.

Do you always talk to him this way?  It sounds more like you’re dictating things – you’ve told him how you expect to move in together in a couple of years, how your finances will eventually be together, that you guys need to have a timeline and that you want to pay for your engagement ring together.

I say – stop.  Do not send this email.  First, it’s way too long and I know few guys that have an attention span for this.  Second, this is really a conversation to be had face-to-face and I think the reason you’re not getting answers is because you’re asking the wrong questions.

Have you ever asked him where he sees himself in 5 years?  10 years?  That’s the question you should be asking him and yourself.  Then you should see if those two things match up.  If they don’t, discuss what sorts of compromises you can make to get them to match up or see if they’re so off from each other that they clearly will never match up. 

Also, I agree that being together for 3 years is a long time.  But, can I ask how old you guys are and where in your lives you are?  He might have other things on his mind that he wants to settle before he even thinks of proposing – much like you have things on your mind that you need to settle.

Finally, if marriage is just paperwork, why are you craving an engagement?  Those 2 things don’t go together.  You should admit to yourself what it is you really want and go along with that.  Personally, I wanted the romance behind a sweet and thoughtful proposal and I want an intimate wedding with the man I plan to spend the rest of my life with.  Marriage is not just a piece of paper to me; if it were, I’d just go down to city hall and get it taken care of. 

Post # 4
9627 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@lolaswann:   I actually like your letter and think it will appeal to his male logical nature, if he’s like most men.  Overly emotional words don’t work all that well with most men.  I like how you’ve stated your thoughts and how you’ve made your feelings clear.

I would try to edit it down a little bit so you don’t lose his attention, because it is rather long.  But, all in all, I think it sounds straightforward, loving and respectful – and men appreciate that.  He’ll probably feel lucky that you have such a healthy way of communicating.  As a writer myself I understand how much easier it is to put things down on paper than speaking them out loud.


Post # 5
5505 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2019

Ok, well, I would say, I am a big fan of emails/ letters. Sometimes you have no way to express everything you want properly without writing it down, but as PP said, maybe it is a bit too long and almost like you are laying it out for him. Maybe a shorter email saying that you want to broach the subject of the future, you want to let him know it is on your mind and maybe at some point soon you would like an open discussion about it? Almost, as silly as it sounds, a heads up to a conversation you want to happen.


Maybe if he knows you want to talk, it will give him time to think about the important things and then maybe you will both be able to communicate better? Say you just want to chat together, without getting upset. Letting him know you want to talk, instead of laying it all on him may mean that he brings more to the table when it comes to the conversation. x

Post # 6
9216 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

I think sending an email is a pretty good idea if you get too flustered in real life.  I agree that you need to EDIT THAT SHIT DOWN though!  Way too long.  You don’t want to overwhelm him or have him read half of it and lose focus.

How old are you?  If you’re pretty young, like early or mid 20s, not being engaged after 3 years is totally reasonable.  Guys often need to feel that they’re financially established before they can start to plan for a marriage / family.  However, I agree that it’s a good idea to have some open lines of communication about a timeline. 

Post # 7
339 posts
Helper bee

I think it is a good idea overall, although I agree with it being a little lengthy.  I think you are kind of sending a mixed message about what “engagement” and “marriage” mean to you.  You are saying you don’t care about getting married but yet you want to get married eventually.  But you also say you could be engaged forever. Engagement is supposed to be a precursor to marriage.  I don’t think you are being clear enough about what you really want.  Also, I understand you want to help pay for the ring but I think you should express your willingness to share in expenses but also leave that up to him.  Some men really want to be providing for their woman and you shouldn’t take that away from him if he really wants it.


I hope you don’t take any of this in the wrong way, I’m just trying to help!

Post # 9
1120 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

I don’t know about the email… I understand that writing things down make it easier to express your feelings. But from reading this, it feels to me like, just like you’re talking AT him when you talk, you are writing AT him and not TO him, if that makes any sense.

I would change things around so that you are expressing how YOU feel, without making it sound like your take on it is the only way to see it – for example, instead of saying “I know you feel that,… but things need to be discussed”, I would say something like “It would be important to me that we discuss, bla, bla”. This way you’re not 1)assuming how he feels about anything and 2) telling him that in spite of how he feels, things need to be done your way. You’d be expressing the same sentiment, but with a much softer tone that won’t bring up walls just by reading.

I think you will get a better reaction from him if you soften it up a little.

Post # 10
6745 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

@lolaswann:   I am not opposed to emails.  I still think that the first question that you should ask him is where he sees himself in 5 years and again in 10 years and I think that question should be in person.  Then, you can write to him in a (shorter) email about your feelings and your plans if that doesn’t really match where you see yourself. 

My friend was dating a guy for 5 years, they’ve been married for 2 now, and the entire time they were dating, he freaked out over discussing marriage, but when she asked him at one point in the relationship where he saw himself in 5 years, he said, “married” and she knew that it would be with her and then he proposed to her. 

Also, a couple of years is so vague, it could mean different things to different people.  How about, “I see myself married by the time I’m 30(?), but would like to live with someone for 1-2 years beforehand.  I understand life doesn’t always work out as planned, but that’s just what I have in mind.”  Something like that?

Post # 11
5288 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

Well, I will be honest. I am a (reformed) “writer of my feelings” too. I can write, and write, and write about my feelings all day long as it feels safer than actually talking directly about them and risking tears or rejection.

I get it on that level. And I can tell you right now that if I got that letter I would feel overwhelmed. I am going to take a wild stab that you are someone who very much likes to process their feelings in their head and I can TOTALLY related to that, but it can also lead to sounding like you are making an argument as to why he should agree with you, and it results in a lot less genuine honesty about your actual emotions. And, I don’t even think you know yet what you even want, or at least are not being upfront. You go from saying you want to be married. But, then you say it is just a piece of paper you can be happy being engaged forever. I get the feeling you are afraid, and so are giving him lots of outs or yourself lots of reasons why this is not pressuring, but you also are not really being 100% honest about what you want. You are also still, in this letter, trying to control his own reaction “try to understand”. That is not up to you, you know? Do not take this the wrong way, but I tried to put myself in his shoes and I felt that letter was a bit manipulating in that it was kind of expecting ME to tell you “yes, you have won me over and I want to get married!” but you weren’t really totally being upfront with me – you come out a bit wishy washy (I expect to avoid being rejected) but it ends up also being confusing.

You should NOT be telling him how he feels (none of this “I know that you think” stuff). No. Whether you are going to do a letter or talk to him, or do an interpretive dance, own your feelings, and let him own and have his. Otherwise, it does sound manipulative and dismissive.

I am coming in with some bias. I did write a letter once like this to my then-common-law partner. It was a bit different, but it was written out of near desperation as he was not communicating with me and I wanted to know if we have a future together. Like your letter, it kind of wishy washy and had a lot of disclaimers like “I know you are not ready, and that is okay as I am not ready TODAY but in a couple years I think I will be…blah blah blah”. That letter was very, very beneficial, but not in the way that I think you would hope. More in the way that in writing it, and giving it to him, I realized that I should not need to write letters to someone who is supposed to be my life partner in order to be told I was wanted, needed, and we had a future! It also put things all out there for both of us, and we broke up soon after. No regrets.

When I met my now-husband? Not once did I never need to question where things were, be insecure about our life together, wonder if he saw me in his future. I have never felt like I needed to write him a letter so he could hear me as even when it is hard for me to talk about my feelings he is patient and we get through it. World of difference and now, looking back, I can’t believe I ever had such low expectations for healthy and honest communication. I am not saying that the very act of writing a letter means that somehow you should not be together, I am just saying that this is an opportunity to really communicate and to be honest with yourself about what you really want, and whether you really want HIM or the idea of him (and marriage).

My suggestion? Don’t given him the letter. Say straight to him “I want you in my life for the rest of my life (assuming you do!), and I would like us to get married in the next few years (or whatever). What do you think about that?” It is still direct and it still owns your feelings, and lets him own his. After three years, I don’t think it is at ALL unreasonable to be able to just talk to each other about a future together. If you really believe marriage is a joint decision (and I know I do) and you are NOT just waiting then you need to actually practice that. You need to tell him YOU want to marry him. You can’t push him into a joint decision, but you can let him know where you are, and let him decide for himself.

Take out all the things about rings and dates and wedding dresses (not that you mentioned dresses) as those are all pretty superfluous to the issue. Your future, and a marriage, is not about a ring. If you both find you are in agreement about marriage, then you can talk about rings and what you would like to do together timeline wise, but to throw that stuff in about a ring before you even know you are on the same page is overwhelming, distracting and kind of skirting the real issues.

I get the sense from the letter that you ARE scared of rejection and scaring him off and my younger self can relate to that…but, honestly, after three years, asking for some honest and direct communication should not scare him off. If he does say he is not interested in marriage you are not going to be in a worse place than you are now, you just will now know how he really feels and be able to make decisions for yourself based on that knowledge, instead of “guessing” what he might be thinking.


Just my $0.02 to take or leave as you wish 🙂

Post # 14
1562 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@lolaswann:  Did he respond yet?

Post # 16
1059 posts
Bumble bee

@lolaswann:  Sounds like you resolved it pretty well, and that he’s on board. =)

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