Post # 1
I have been thinking of asking a bridesmaid to step down and attend as a guest.
I understand this certain topic comes with a preparation to end a friendship. I had asked this “friend” of mine to be in my bridal party when I was newly engaged because I kind of felt obligated to. We’ve drifted a lot over the past couple of years and I’m finding it a little difficult to remain friends with her over certain things that have happened.
The point is, I’m not doing it to cut ties with her, but I think it’s just the easiest thing for her right now. She’s gone through a lot of personal issue the past couple of years, it seems she’s struggling financial-wise, is a mom to three kids and I think right now her main priority is to get her ducks in a row. She doesn’t need the stress of finding a dress, shoes, accessories, etc.
I understand this is awful. I never knew about “proper wedding etiquette” until I joined wedding websites and I’ve been trying to figure out a nice way to put it, but I just want her main focus to be on her future and her kids – I want her money to go towards herself and them.
Have you ever had to ask a bridesmaid to step down? Did it end well?
Post # 2
Have you asked her about it? It sounds like you are assuming she can’t handle being a bridesmaid because of what she’s going through, but maybe she can. Maybe she’s looking forward to some adult time away from the kids.
And yes, you will probably damage your friendship if you ask her to step down. You sound like you care about her current situation, it doesn’t sound like you want to damage the friendship.
Post # 3
fma2018 : It will not end well unless she wants to step down. Assuming she doesn’t have the money is condescending since she accepted the offer to be in your bridal party.
If you don’t feel close to her and you do not want her to be in your BP, you have the right to ask her to step down. It is crappy (unless you two had a fight or something).
If you ask her to step down be prepared to lose the friendship.
I feel your pain, I made a bad decision when I selected my BP. I ended a friendship during my engagement, the wedding had nothing to do with it. Our friendship was over and I did not want anything else to do with her.
In your case, it sounds like you want to still be in her life. My advice is to think it through.
Post # 4
Sansa85 : I know I’m assuming but from what I’m told, she lives with family right now and her family is moving to another city to which she refuses to move with them but that leaves her with no where else to really live. She’s limited to where she can live – legal reasons, and with her legal background, it seems almost impossible to move somewhere unless the court approves of it. There is no known date when her family is moving, could be weeks or could be months but that’s why I want her money & focus to go towards more important things. We spoke about it a while ago and I mentioned it and she said no but that was before she lost her job and found out her family was moving.
Post # 5
But this way it makes it sound like you know what’s best for her while she herself does not. That idea can definitely lead to some hurt feelings.
Maybe talk to her to ASK if being a BM is too much for her and that you’d totally understand if she wasn’t up for it. But don’t ask her to step down unless she makes it clear that that’s actually what she wants to do.
Post # 6
There’s zero reason to ask her to step down if you’re just doing it as a favour to her.
You can just as easily let her know that you’re aware of her circumstances and will understand if *she* eventually decides to step down because it’s a burden for her. If it comes time to buy dresses and she isn’t able to go ahead with it, she’ll let you know.
Deciding *for her* that you want her money and time to go towards more important things is just patronizing.
Post # 7
fma2018 : I would, rather than ask her to step down, offer to pay her way through it. It shouldn’t cost her anything to be up there with you. And she has no obligation to attend events other than the wedding day.
Post # 8
fma2018 : if you aren’t doing it to cut ties with her and you think she can’t afford it why don’t you just not place a financial burden on her? You don’t have to pick expensive shoes or dresses, better yet if you require her to wear a specific dress you could buy it.
Post # 9
Talk to her. Let her decide this on her own or you can help her out with her attire or even let what happens happens and see how things fall into place.
Post # 10
I don’t understand the whole “no matter what it won’t end well” thing. If I were in her shoes and you approached me about stepping down, I would be so relieved that you brought it up first and I wound’t think the friendship would be ruined. I would probably think “wow even during her wedding planning she’s thinking of me”. I don’t know thats just me. I think you should talk to her and see what she feels is best, stepping down completely or having you help her pay for her dress.
Post # 11
I think it would be best to offer that you’ll pay for/help pay for her BM things. I wouldn’t assume that she doesn’t want to participate without talking to her first.
Post # 12
No matter how you try to reason it, it’s still a friendship ending move. It would be insulting to assume she can’t figure out what’s best for her. If she is struggling and can’t afford to be a bridesmaid, she will tell you. You should privately ask her budget anyway and if possible find an affordable dress or help her pay it. If you make the move to have her step down, it will likely not be taken well.
Post # 13
Let her decide what she can and can’t do and where her focus should be. It’s not up to you to make these decisions for her. The opening of your post states that you’ve drifted apart and you’re having trouble getting over an incident that happened, which is what I imagine is your real reason for asking her to step down. Her circumstances are just a convenient way for you to remove her from your wedding party while looking like you’re doing it for her own good. Asking her to step down will impact your friendship. If you’re prepared for that then fine, but don’t pretend you’re only doing it to look out for her best interest.
Sometimes relationships change and you move on from them. That’s okay.
Post # 14
fma2018 : If you honestly think you’re doing it for her sake, then don’t do it. It’s insulting for someone to tell a grown adult “You’re too poor for this. You might not think so but I can see it, so I’m deciding it for you.” There are all kinds of ways she can be a bridesmaid without spending a fortune. You could buy her dress, you could let her wear a dress she already has, you can choose $20 dresses from TJ Maxx. Don’t pretend you’re doing her a favor by asking her to step down because she can’t afford to be your bridesmaid.
If you’re doing it because you only asked her “because I kind of felt obligated to. We’ve drifted a lot over the past couple of years and I’m finding it a little difficult to remain friends with her over certain things that have happened.” you’re allowed to but you should admit that’s the reason and understand that it may end the friendship. If you’re ok with that, go ahead and ask her to step down but please don’t pretend like you’re doing it as a favor because you’re better at managing her finances than she is.
Post # 15
Offer to pay for her dress and stress to her that standing up next to you is all the gift you want from her. If you don’t make it expensive to be your BM, then it shouldn’t be a problem for her.