Post # 1
After reading horror stories about BM’s not being able to pay for dresses or not knowing they should pay to do the bachelorette party, Is this a tactful way to let them know what they should know about before agreeing to be a BM?
I am planning on mailing them a package, including a little card asking them formally, a framed photo of us, and a short newsletter. In the short newsletter I am planning on putting the important but currently unreleased information including:
- Where it will be at / When, when the rehearsal will be
- What kind of style me and FI are going for
- Picture of my ring
- Ideas I have for DIY
- Color swatches of our colors
- What I will be paying for – Hair, and I may pay for shoes and makeup
- What they should expect to pay for – Dress picked by the bride, Bachelorette party, hotel
Any thoughts on what I should include that I have missed / should not include?
Post # 3
I like that you are going to list the things they will have to pay for – will you already have an idea of the dress they are going to have to buy? I only ask because a price range might be good to include.
I don’t think it is necessary to include the pic of your ring. Also, if you expect them to help with the DIY stuff, I’d make that really clear.
Post # 4
i don’t know if you should “expect” them to pay for a bachelorette party…it might come off as demanding. the b party is something they should want to do for you, not something you insist upon or list as something they need to pay for…IMO…
Post # 5
I would probably include expenses in the card – not the newsletter although I do love the newsletter idea. In the card, I would just say something like you know it can be costly for the dress, hair, hotel, shower and bachlorette party but you hope they can be a bridesmaid in your special day.
Post # 6
I would honestly be annoyed if my friend sent me a letter with a picture of her ring, asking me to be a bridesmaid, and oh, by the way, you have to pay for your dress and my bachelorette party. It would look to me like she felt entitled.
I don’t think they have to do anything, but I’m not a stickler for tradition. I think that the bride and groom should pay for dresses/tuxedo rentals if they want a certain look.
Post # 7
Yea, I like the organization of this but I don’t really like the…..feel.
It’s all a bit….”I’m Cindy, your cruise director. Dress fittings will happen at 2:35 on Tuesday on the Lido deck. Be there or be square!” if you know what I mean.
Post # 8
@JenniBride: I don’t have an exact style but I won’t expect them to be expecting to pay more than 100$ maybe ill put in approximately 150 to be safe.
I am not expecting any of them to any of the DIY I have in mind, my MOH lives 5 minutes away but she doesn’t like crafts, BM 1 lives 2 hours and would help if I asked (and I might), BM 2 lives 1,000 miles away so she hasn’t seen my ring and will likely not be around to know much of the details, So I want her to feel involved.
Post # 9
I agree – minus the expenses… you dont want to scare them off – I am sure they are mature enough to have an idea of what being a bridesmaid will entail
Post # 10
I think all the details (at the point of asking) seem a little impersonal when done via the mail. But, you know your friends best!! Have you thought about a phone call (for those that live far away) perhaps followed up with the formal ‘ask’?
I love the idea of a newsletter to keep the wedding party apprised of wedding related activity, though!
To answer your question:
I think 2-5 are a little unnecessary at this point.
Definitely 1 – include any events you want them to attend, so they can know what to expect
Definitely 6 – Let them know what you plan on taking care of for them
Part of 7 – let them know they will be responsible for their dress cost and you will try to keep it under a certain amount (unless you have something in mind, be careful of quoting as it always ends up way more w/ alterations). Do you care about what shoes or jewelry they wear? Include that cost as well.
Bachelorette Party – I’d make that an optional item and if you have something in mind, you might want to mention that – but at a later time. Not when you ask them.
Post # 11
Not sure how I feel about the Bachelorette Party being on the list of things that they are responsible for… but I am doing something similar to this. I am having a destination wedding, so I have a lot of expenses to go over as well as travel requirements. I sent a “Will You Be My Bridesmaid?” card first… and when I talked on the phone with each of them, I gave a brief idea of the biggest expenses (i.e. plane tix, hotel) and who would be paying. But I plan on mailing my first newsletter to them all next month and it will outline the things I will be covering and the things that they’re responsible for… as well as the date & location of the wedding, the dress designer and color I’ve chosen.. and other important details. But.. i’m not including “optional” things like Bachelorette party, showers, gifts, etc…
If they haven’t seen your ring and have asked about it, I think the ring pic would be nice.. otherwise.. it’s a little odd.
Post # 12
I just don’t want anyone caught off guard and say “Sure” and then realize crap I can’t because of ______…. I have said yes to a bride before I got engaged and had no idea what the bride expected, and it was awful because it was awfully expensive.
I understand it is a commitment, and I don’t want anyone to back out. I would rather scare them upfront. haha I want them to understand it is a commitment because from what I’ve read on these board is it is awful when someone steps down.
I think I will include a picture for my BM who lives far away, because she will want to see my ring.
I guess I am bridezilla…. I can’t afford for everyone’s dress or a night out.
Thanks for everyone advice
Post # 13
I think I would ask them by sending the card and then when they call to talk to you about it and accept you can go over what the expenses might be. I think I would roll my eyes if I received what you are thinking about sending but it also depends on your relationship with them.
Post # 14
I’m going to be completely honest here, I’d likely decline if i knew it was made so blatantly clear to me what you WEREN’T paying for. I understand that every bride is different and would be willing to pay for different things, but i think the least that you owe potential bridesmaids is a phone conversation where you discuss what they feel they are able to contribute, and what they feel is appropriate. If you feel you cannot meet halfway on money stuff after discussing it like adults, then they should be in a position to decline your invitation to be a bridesmaid. I think its unreasonable for you to make YOUR demands clear and then expect them to either pony up or decline, without them having a say in the matter.
Also i think making it clear that you expect them to organise and pay for a bachelorette party is a bit like someone demanding a surprise birthday party – not the kind of thing that the guest of honour should have any say or pull about, and will ultimately end in disapointment.
SOrry if this comes off as harsh – just trying to put myself in the shoes of potential bridesmaids in my group of friends, and how i think this would be percieved. It all depends on the people, so if you think they’d take it well then more power to ya!
Post # 15
I guess I am bridezilla…. I can’t afford for everyone’s dress or a night out.
Don’t overeact because you don’t like the advice. I think the reason people are nay saying the bachelorette party is because it’s optional, intended to be planned by the bridesmaids for you as a present of sorts. It’s not a “required” part of being a bridesmaid.
Post # 16
It seems a bit cart-before-the-horse to me. Are you expecting them to help you with planning/DIY? If not, I would leave points 2-5 out of it; to me that’s the kind of stuff you talk about excitedly once they’ve already agreed to be in your wedding.
The best (and most courteous) way to make sure no BMs end up having trouble paying for their dresses is to ask each girl separately what she would be able to pay, and shop accordingly.
I’m assuming you’re asking these girls to be in your wedding because you really like them, not for what they can offer planning/money-wise, and hopefully you know them well enough to already have an idea of whether they’re likely to flake out on you or not…so I guess I’m just asking you to take a step back and think about whether this preemptive strike is really necessary.