Weddingbee boards

Let me preface this by saying that I know it's generally rude to ask for a +1 when not given one, and I totally understand the guest list/cost per head/venue size concerns, and I'm probably going to get a lot of flak for this, but hear me out.

Backstory: SO and I have been together for 3 years and are most likely getting engaged this summer or early fall. He's moving in with me next month.

SO's distant cousin is getting married in September; SO just got the STD in the mail today. I've never met him or the bride, so they don't "know about me", i.e., they don't know that SO is in a relationship, let alone a serious one. SO and this cousin haven't seen each other or talked at all in the 3 years we've been together.

I know from reading so many posts on here that couples planning weddings HATE it when people ask for +1s, and I completely understand why...but I just feel like it's a little different when the person asking for one is in a serious relationship/will most likely be engaged at the time of the wedding, and the marrying couple is just distant family who literally wouldn't know about the relationship at all. SO and I are a package deal, just like any other engaged/married couple. And I'm sure that the issue is just that they literally don't know about me, not that they're trying to keep it "close family only"...SO and this cousin are not technically even blood related, so not by any stretch are they close!

Is there any possible non-rude way to ask/drop hints/inform this cousin that SO has a live-in girlfriend/almost-fiancee? He and SO literally never, ever talk, so it's not like he could call him or text him or even Facebook him to casually let him know (SO didn't even know the cousin had a gf, let alone was engaged and getting married this fall, until he got the STD today). Would it be rude to flat-out ask if I'd be invited? I guess I'm being a little preemptive here because we haven't even gotten the actual invite yet so who knows, SO might get a +1 anyway...but I feel like, if there is ever a time to ask it would be now, far before the wedding, rather than waiting till the last minute when RSVPing.

If this is still considered totally rude then I'll of course keep my mouth shut, but I'm just curious as to what everyone thinks about this. Please don't bite my head off :)

did the STD say it is only for him? Generally I'd just assume he's get a plus one.

@ohheavenlyday: Hmm, that's a good point. I hadn't thought of it like that before. I don't know if it is a venue size constraint issue (like I said, I don't even know yet if I'm definitely not invited) but that is something to consider. And thanks for not biting my head off :P I guess I always just get up in arms about stuff like this because SO's entire family has generally been un-accepting of our relationship thus far because we live and act like we're married, and yet in his family's eyes I'm just an insignificant trollop playing house with him and our relationship is trite because there is no ring on my finger, so anytime something like this happens where I don't get invited it feels like a slap in the face, even though there might well be a valid reason behind it.

The fact that they are not close makes it even more likely that they may still not want to invite you. Your FI is an adult he should be able to go to a family wedding without you. Like PP said you cant assume peoples situations and you have to draw the line somewhere. And even thoug im sure you are a nice person, a distant cousins almost fiance who i never heard of or even met would not make the cut on my guestlist. So i wouldnt say anything about it.

Your FI could contact his cousin to say congrats on the upcomming wedding and let them know how you guys are planning to wed soon. Then if they want to add you to the guest list they can. But i wouldnt try to force it.

@Frog E.: Heh, that is a good point, but some of SO's actual close-but-don't-see-them-that-often family will be there, so it would be nice to go to get to see them. (They live out of town so it's not like we could just get lunch one day...this will probably be the only time we'll see them for who-knows-how-long.)

@Atalanta: Yeah, the STD was mailed to him and addressed only to him. However I didn't really think that STDs generally indicate +1s? I could be wrong though haha. No one I've ever known to get married has sent STDs before this.

I don't think it is rude to ask especially if he dosn't know he has a g/f.  I've done it too to my cuz's wedding.  And one of my cusins also asked if she could bring her b/f, not even fiance to mine.  If you are really worried about it, maybe wait until you have the invite and are engaged.  If there is no +1 he can say, can't my fiance come?  That is reasonable.

@Ms. Polar Bear: That's kind of what prompted my asking this question, because I definitely fit into the "guidelines", and yeah, SO probably won't know too many other people at the wedding (and I KNOW he won't dance or have fun if I'm not there to dance with...everyone tells me that I'm the only person who has ever gotten him to dance before, and he went to one wedding without me a couple years ago and said he was bored out of his mind haha).

@snoie: I'm kind of feeling insulted too, I think that's why this bothers me so much. I see SO and me as a package deal, especially since we're thisclose to getting engaged, we just want to finish with school first (which happens in May for him and June for me). Wouldn't it be strange to invite one spouse but not the other if the couple is married? I see it the same way with longterm relationships/engaged couples.

yeah, I wouldn't take it personally, it's probably a budget issue, if you look up reception, this is half the vents of brides when people have unexpected guests it blows the budget out of proportion, making said brides want to rip their hair out

usually grooms brides allow engaged couples and married couples,girlfriends and boyfriends are a grey area especially if the couple doesnt know them personally; wait til the final formal invitation and see what is stated; if there's no +1 then boom cant ask for it

@SutSip: I didn't take it as being harsh, don't worry :) I do totally see what you mean, but SO really sounds like he wants to go to this wedding for whatever reason, so I don't think that him declining is an option. I'll ask him though to be sure since he hasn't actually come right out and said it.

@Frog E.: Well...for our wedding, we are planning on only inviting very close relatives, so a cousin of SO's that he hasn't spoken to in 3 years would not even be on the guest list. But if one of our closer family who did get invited asked to bring their longterm SO that we may not have known about, then yes we would absolutely invite them. Longterm couples are an all-or-nothing deal in my opinion.

And the convenient family reunion is not the only reason we'd want to go...we both just like weddings in general and enjoy celebrating with whatever couple it is (although, yes, it is mildly less exciting when the couple is not incredibly close with either of us).

@ilovenycmissie: Yeah, I totally understand that this aggravates the couples planning their weddings, which is why I wanted to ask and to go about this as sensitively as possible! I don't want to be the rude cow who invites herself without consideration to budget/venue/size/whatever constrains.

Update: Just talked to SO about it and his response was, "Well if you don't get invited I just won't go. Why would I go if you didn't?" Aww. Problem solved, I guess! And I guess it drives home the point that I should actually talk to SO sometimes before coming crying to WB haha. But thanks for all the replies ladies, I do appreciate hearing both sides of the spectrum. I'm sure I will be eating my words one day soon when I'm dealing with this for my own wedding!

@Miss Lilac: I agree.  I wouldn't go to a wedding for a cousin that I haven't seen in 3 years that doesn't even know that I am engaged.