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So, have any of you bees asked that if your guests are indeed planning on getting you something, that they put it towards a honeymoon fund or something??
Is that rude??
I feel as if I have seen it on here before, but not paid much attention, bc I didnt think I would be interested in something like that.
Its not rude! What you could do is a wishing well (http://mag.weddingcentral.com.au/weddings/wishing_wells/index.htm) They have poems you can include in you invitations that sound nicer. I think alot of people give money now instead of gifts. I've been to several weddings where is says right in the invitation "money, no gifts please" and no one seemed it was rude. I also let my parents know, so if family asks them for ideas, they can tell them cash if prefered.
Another idea is setting up an account for a honeymoon that people can donate too.
Everyone has different comfort levels with this. I personally could never do this. A honeymoon isnt something the guests should pay for. In the same way that you cant ask the guests to contribute towards the cost of the wedding, although I have seen a few people do that lately.
I created a small registry, and told my bridesmaids and family that we would prefer money because we don't really need anything. I just let it take its course from there. Some people bought us gifts, and some gave money.
Personally, I cannot wrap my head around the viewpoint of honeyfunds being rude. I don't understand the difference between asking guests to buy us dishes/a vacuum/a KitchenAid mixer/etc., and asking guests to contribute towards a trip we'd love and remember forever.
If someone thought that ALL registries were rude, since you're basically telling guests what to buy you, THAT I could understand. I disagree, but I understand it. But a registry is a registry, and if you'd rather have an awesome trip than household items you don't need, I think a honeymoon registry makes perfect sense. And as a guest at a wedding, I'd rather my hard-earned money go towards what the couple really wants, whether that's a honeymoon or champagne flutes.
A lot of what we *really* need are larger items, like furniture, since we're just starting out, so we have a regular registry and a honeyfund for people to chip in on actual furniture (instead of a honeymoon). Haven't heard anything negative about it so far!
I feel as if some people would like this, and some people wouldnt. I have mixed emotions on it myself. Even though, if people dont want useless "junk" then why not just give them $$$. But, I only ask bc FI and I werent planning on taking a honeymoon. However, that has changed, not per our request, and my mom got us a partial trip. VERY thankful. I wrote another post re this. BUT, we need money that we werent plannig on now to pay for the rest of the HM.
SO - like I found a site called honeyfund.com
anyone heard of it?? Just wanted to get bees point of views. :)
I've heard of honeyfund. I think it's a great idea. The only thing I don't like is how they take minimum 7% of the money your guests give you for hosting a registry with them.
A lot of the sites do charge a percentage - we went with honeyfund because gifters can still give you cash or checks with a printed "certificate" from the site (no percentage taken by honeyfund) or you can get your gifts through Paypal if they want to use a credit card (in which case you only deal with Paypal's 3% fee).
It "pays" to research the hidden fees, though!
@Ashley_B: I would be horrified if I received a "poem" asking for money in the invitation or any mention of any gifts whatsoever. I am cringing reading these poems!!
@ananeele: I wouldn't register on a website that takes a percentage of the money that the guests give. I think it's better to spread the info that you want money by word of mouth as you would spread the info of your registries. That way, you can choose to put it towards your honeymoon without having to go through a site that takes a percentage.
Etiquette changes over time, but very slowly. I am of the thought that it is always rude to ask for gifts whether that is physical gifts or money. Wedding gifts were always intended to help the newlyweds set up their home, not finance the wedding or the honeymoon. Many newlyweds today have already established their own home and don't need things. That doesn't automatically make it polite to ask for money instead.
If you don't want gifts- toasters, mixers, linens etc, then don't register. People will ask you or your family and you or they can just say that you have not registered anywhere. They will either get you a gift of their choice or send you a cheque.
I've been to at least 2 weddings that I can remember that have had honeymoon $$ requests rather than gifts....I don't remember how they worded it on their cards though. I NEVER found it offensive/weird at all.
In our wedding, we didn't have a registry because we wanted to VERY stubtley hint that we wanted money and it must of work because we got 80% checks and a few gifts (which we exchanged for things we actually needed).
It is rude to ask for money and that is what a HM registry is. People aren't actually buying you a night in the hotel or a massage- you are getting cash. Tacky and I would side eye and not contribute to one if any of my friends had them.
I really like the idea! If a friend set one up, I would rather give them an awesome experience instead of towels. My family is just getting around to understanding regular registries though and we didn't want to confuse or offend anyone any more.
@Ms Bookworm: agreed.
I think wedding gifts are intended to help the newly weds in their new life. Not specific to houseware. FI and I already have everything for our apartment. And I mean everything. We are a military couple, so registering for a bunch of stuff that we have to carry from place to place is not the best idea for us. We set up a honeymoon registry.. but its like.. not donating money.. its a dinner here.. a couples massage.. a cruise.. etc etc.. so guests actually feel like they are buying an event instead of a toaster.
@CallmeC: out of curiousity. If a friend did have a HM registry and you were attending the wedding.. what would you gift?
Unfortunately, etiquette really does not permit you to assume that your guests will give you gifts (although most of them indeed will), and it does not allow you to ever mention gifts -- in any way -- in or on a wedding invitation.
I agree with the PP who said that you may allow your immediate family and closest friends to "suggest" cash IF people approach them directly to ask what you may want or need.
I think it's a great idea! A friend did this earlier this year (along with a traditional registry) and I went to the honeymoon fund immediately. I like knowing that I contributed to their fabulous trip to Hawaii over a boring set of towels, lol.
I don't like being "asked" for anything, gift-wise, so please don't put a poem or anything in your invite. Either spread it by word of mouth that you'd prefer cash, or do a registry like the honeyfund, and then spread THAT by word of mouth.
ETA - I always give cash at a wedding anyway, as do most of the people I know.
@Ashley_B: Maybe I am being a hypocrite because I just explained why I DON'T think honeyfunds are rude... But I think a "wishing well" is rude. Explicitly asking for cash is impolite, IMO. It's even worse when asked through a cutesy poem. *cringe*
Letting your guests choose whether they want to buy off a small "traditional" registry (at Target or Bed Bath & Beyond or wherever) or off a honeymoon registry is fine - but saying "money only" is not.
Also, I disagree with those who say that a honeyfund is asking for cash. Yes, of course technically, the items bought off a honeymoon registry are given to the bride & groom in the form of cash - BUT, with the intent of it being used to purchase what was gifted. It's like temporary cash, to be spent on the gifted experience/activity/item ASAP (during the honeymoon).
That's my two (or ten) cents, anyway.
I would gift something off of a gift registry unless they had no registry at all and in that case I would give cash. People see HM registries and think because they exist that makes them okay and etiquette wise they aren't and never will be. I choose to follow what is proper because frankly my grandmother would spin in her grave if I didn't ;)
@CallmeC: So if they only had a HM fund and no other registry.. you would roll your eyes at the registry but give cash anyways? lol come on.. something is slightly off here.
@Ms Bookworm: whats a wishing well? I agree with you BTW, I doubt guests (mine anyways) even know that cash is involved! All of my guests so far think its the coolest thing ever and prefer to gift a sunset cruise than dishcloths that we already have lol.
I'm wondering who it hurts to have a HM registry. Etiquette? Meh, I guess I'm just an etiquette rebel. No one (should) be offended at silly things like that. Life's too short and there's more important things to get your feathers ruffled for.
@MrsNeutrino: Well, Ashley B up above suggested doing a "wishing well" and linked to this: http://mag.weddingcentral.com.au/weddings/wishing_wells/index.htm. I've personally never heard of it, but it's too much of a blatant cash grab, IMO. At least with a honeymoon registry, guests are able to pick out something fun for the couple to do.
@Ms Bookworm: oh! haha thats pretty funny. They are pretty much saying.. theives! over here! LOL! Isnt that the same idea of a card box..pretty much
@hisgoosiegirl: yep yep! In addition, registries are suggestions anyways.. not a gun to anyone's head lol (especially that B***H named ettiquete)
We just aren't doing a registry. We have lived together for two years and both had households before we moved in together, so we are beyond set. If people choose to buy us a gift, then they buy us a gift, but if they give us money it would be a great way to donate towards our honeymoon! I opted NOT to register for a website because I don't want 7-10% of the money going to a company when people could just as easily put their card/money into a beautifully made card box for less than $30.
@hisgoosiegirl: and @MrsNeutrino: many brides have a completely different view of that "B***H named ettiquete" when it comes to their guests RSVP'ing on time, not adding univited guests to the wedding, guests getting drunk and falling on the cake etc etc etc.
Funny how etiquette is important to them then.
@julies1949: I'm feeling a spinoff coming - "What etiquitte is never ok to ignore?" I bet there would be a lot of varied responses.
this is what I plan on doing!
@julies1949: Well, firstly, that was a joke. Secondly..(for me at least) it is a whole lot less about etiquette and a whole lot more about common decency. If someone is being inconvienced/hurt/upset by something it would be an issue.. but if people are upset about certain etiquette for etiquette's sake,, its a little redundant.
We're using honeyfund! You can actually put different things on there as well! We paid for the upgrade because I didn't want the ads on it.
It's really nice!
PM me if you want I'll fill ya in and send ya ours!
Here is a compromise: register at Bed, Bath & Beyond. You can return everything on the registry for cash. Just make sure to get stuff that is rather generic, so your friends won't know that you returned that avocado green mixer, etc.
Then you can also register for a honeyfund and hope that people take the hint.
a friend of mine did honeyfund and loved it .. i enjoyed getting them drinks at a bar one night :)
I did a registry at Honeyfund.com. It doesn't take a percentage (one of the few sites that don't), the only thing that comes out is 3% paypal fees if someone pays with a credit card. So far I've only had positive feedback on our registry. This is what I found regarding etiquette of a honeymoon registry, "A honeymoon is a perfectly appropriate gift to request," says Peter Post, president of the Emily Post Institute, a Burlington, Vt., etiquette think tank. "There's no objection to it from an etiquette point of view." I think it pretty much goes with what Ms Bookworm said, if it's ok to register for physical gifts, then I think it's ok to register for a honeymoon.
I actually have some stuff at walmart on a registry, as well as target, then did a gift card registry for Bass Pro and Sunoco, as well as a couple of others.
It all boils down to people will give what they want to give whether you put it in writing, word of mouth or on your website.
Mine is listed on Registry page of our website along with the wishing well poem. In the mean time I am 44 and FI is 48, we have lived together for almost 3 years and have all home items necessary. What we have registered for mostly is the fun stuff we would like.
@julies1949: Ah, but see - you missed a crucial difference. Who does having an HM registry hurt?
all of this:
guests RSVP'ing on time, not adding univited guests to the wedding, guests getting drunk and falling on the cake
is in a different category. At least for me. Because now that's inconveniencing myself or my guests. Personally, I don't see an HM registry as inconvenient. You don't like it - give cash or don't give anything.
Like I said.....better things to get your feathers ruffled over. But I've read quite a few of your posts and I know that we will have to agree to disagree on many things.
@MrsNeutrino: agree! Common decency - that's a good way to put it. Being upset at something not because it's actually offensive but 'just because' you aren't supposed to do that? Meh.
@hisgoosiegirl: yep:) agreed with everything you said. Times change and so does the custom. Who would have thought that a cupcake tower could be subed as a wedding cake? me oh my!
I don't think having a cash registry has anything to do with etiquette or being rude. I think it is more a sign of the times. More people live together before they are married so they have already built a life together and have everything they need (in terms of house wares). I think couples would prefer to get a gift that is truly meaningful to them (i.e a honeymoon or money for a house) than a bunch of kitchen appliances they don't even need.
I personally am using Deposit a Gift (which I love) so that my fiancé and I can begin to save for a house together. I don't think that is rude at all. I think it is a great step in the right direction for modern couples.
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