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I'm probably going to get beat up for this and honest, I'm not trying to pick on anyone but there have been a few posts recently about women speficially ASKING their BF's for HUGE (1.5 to 2 carat) engagement rings. Am I the only one kind of well...stunned by this?
I mean, I can understand telling your bf, if asked, what kind of ring in general that you like as in white gold vs. yellow, the kind of cut (round, cushion, princess, etc.) and that sort of thing but to ASK for some huge rock seems to take a hell of a lot of chutzpuh don't you think? It seems a LOT of women have this notion that their ring HAS to be at LEAST a carat. Its pretty much asking your guy to spend a boatload of cash on you rather than letting HIM set the budget.
What do you think bees? Did you let it be known that you had expectations regarding the size of the stone? Do you feel like its even appropriate to discuss?
If a woman asks for a huge (expensive) rock, the man knows exactly what kind of woman he's considering marrying.
No, I don't think it is appropriate to discuss. He picked out a ring that was best for him at the time and definitely with you in mind. You should be happy with whatever he picked. The ring should be a symbol of love. The bigger rock doesn't mean he loves you more. I wish more women are considerate of this.
Quick aside - when my now husband and I went looking for rings I asked one of the lady's helping us if she had any Bridezilla stories and she told me about one couple who came in and the girl told her guy that she wanted a THREE carat diamond. When he said he didn't know if he could afford that she just tossed off with "I'm worth it." Can you imagine? That poor guy should run for the hills!
All I have to say to this is what my dad told me when I was little: "Asking aint getting."
I don't think it's innapropriate. Some women like big stones, some women are more comfortable with smaller rings.
A woman who wanted a smaller ring might feel uncomfortable if her diamond was too big for her tastes, just as a woman who wanted a larger ring might feel uncomfortable with a ring that was much smaller than she had hoped for. Communication is key in a relationship, with rings and everything else.
Look at it this way: the woman wears the ring everyday for the rest of her life, not the man. Therefore, she should get a ring that she loves, and the man (in my opinion) should be happy to accomodate that, considering this is the woman he chooses to spend the rest of his life with.
I'm not going to lie, I told Mr. Rainbow that I wanted a ring between 1.5 and 2 carats. That's what I like, and he was okay with it. Did it take him a little longer to save up for it? Sure. But he was willing to, because he wanted to get me something that I would love.
The ring he bought me is 2 carats (total weight). I wouldn't change it for the world, and he absolutely loves it. Everytime he looks at my finger he says "Damn, I did a good job".
Indeed he did!
@CorgiTales: LOL! So true...so true.
I mean, to each their own. You wanna marry Ms. "I need my 2.5 carats"? Have at it.
I let my FI know that I wanted something over 1.5 Cts. I have a relatively large finger and I work in an industry where its pretty standard. I knew he could afford it and he didn't take offense. For us it wasn't a problem but if he had been unemployed and I had brought it up it would not have been appropriate. He wants an expensive watch for the wedding day and I'm ok with him telling me exactly what he wants even if its extravagant.
I guess I was a little more involved in the process than a lot of brides and while I never said I want my diamond to be x number of carats, we did discuss all the four c's together including the size of the diamond as well.
I knew a girl once who told her boyfriend after my now husband and I got engaged - that if her ring wasn't at least 3 carats, it goes in the ears (i.e. earings). Now, my ring is pretty big, just over 2 carats for my engagement ring - but my husband and I were so offended that she made the comment in front of us! It was a bit of a put down. The sad part was that my friend (her boyfriend) totally bought into her logic as he was whipped!
I did tell DH that my ring needed to be better than his ex-wifes ring. Especially as he always commented on how great her ring was when they were married!
I think that it really depends on what kind of situtuation you are in. If your SO asks you for detailed input on your ring and/or what your dream ring would be and you have an open relationship and are honest, then you give an honest answer.
Not only that but depending on how well off your SO is, the kinds of presents you normally exchange etc, a larger ring may be "the norm" within that situation or his family.
There is certainly a difference between discussing your preferences and demanding a large ring. That is where the line is drawn, demanding a certain size goes too far. That being said, is it right to demand anything about an engagement ring?
Yeah I guess the difference is "demanding", I wasn't going to stamp my feet in a jewelry store if I got 1.47 carats. I just don't see the difference between asking for a certain carat size and asking for an eternity band or a halo setting or platinum. All those things are more expensive.
Err.....I asked (nicely) for my large ring set.
He let me pick out "whatever" i wanted. It doesn't make me some gold digger, though--he could easily afford it after being deployed for 15 months. Plus, I love me some diamonds (okay, jewelry in general) and I make a nice salary myself, so it's not like I was over reaching there.
He picked out a 1 carat stone and I picked out a 1.25 carat setting and 1.5 carats in wedding bands. Some people would say it's huge.
If he couldn't have afforded it, that would've been one thing. He was 100% comfortable with the price.
@LGenz: haha yea except an eternity band or halo setting might add like 1k. asking for 2cts vs. 1cts could easily add 15k. :)
And for the record, IF the guy asks what size you want I don't see anything wrong with saying what size you want. But if he doesn't ask I think you should keep it to yourself because asking for a size is essentially asking for him to spend x on you and i think budget is 100% the guy's domain.
I don't think there's anything wrong with discussing size...how is that different than discussing metal choice, cut, etc? Obviously there's an issue if someone is demanding that their partner spend more than he/she can afford.
I don't think its anything wrong with it, but then again I also don't think 1.5-2 carats is that HUGE - I live in NYC where I know alot of people with 2-3 carat rings easily ....So when my fiance is looking I gave him a range of what I wanted, we discussed it and then came to a resolution on what we think made the most sense for us.
I think that if the ring style you like features a larger stone, and you and your FH have talked about your style preference and he's on board, then go for it. My preferred style features a smaller total carat weight, because I'm klutzy and would snag a big one on everything ;)
Not a huge fan of demands and the "i'm worth it" argument though, which is demeaning in its own way (self-demeaning?). A person's worth should not be measured in carats.
I think asking for a ring in general is a little uneccessary... maybe pushing to be engaged, or a proposal if your guy can't take the plunge. You would think that if you are getting engaged that your guy knows you are either ...very simple, or dislike diamonds, or love big extravagent jewelry...so on.
I expected a simple ring, maybe around a carat center weight. I never gave him any ideas for rings or told him this because it simply had never come up! I ended up getting a very ornate ring with a lot of antique looking details and a fairly large (in my opinion) diamond in the center. It was much much MORE than I expected. So I think that from me not telling him what I want, or giving him my expectations -- I ended up getting more because he wanted to impress me and wanted me to love it!
I know it's to each their own, but when I see a huge ring I wonder about that persons priorities and values (to myself). My priorities are not pretty things to have and wear, but sharing a life together and having the things together that make our life great, like saving for a house instead of a big ring. Overall though I don't think it really matters either way. If a guy wants to marry someone who asks or demands a certain size ring, good for him.
I wanted a smaller ring, since I knew that DH wouldn't be comfortable proposing without an engagement ring. He ended up getting a .6 carat which was larger than I asked for. I would have been perfectly happy to wear a wedding band alone. I'm not really into jewelry or things that don't really have a function. As it is right now I have a $14 sterling silver plain band that I'm wearing as a stand in band, since I'm pregnant and my fingers swelled.
I think it's a little different when you both have Wonderful Careers and are on the same page about what you can afford. I'm thinking that the main people being targeted in a post like this are the girls who don't have a job and or know that the BF can't afford it but still demand some Huge rock even when they know they will go into debt to get it. That just ain't right in my honest opinion. Most of the girls I know who have always said "I have to have a huge diamond"; aren't married or engaged and usually scare most the guys away before they get to that point. It's pretty bad when you aren't even in a relationship yet and your already declaring that when you find the right guy the ring better be huge.....
HA!! When I was pregnant the same thing happened, and I bought $8 costume jewelry rings at Belk and would switch them out from time to time. I ended up liking them so much I bought some ring-fitters (since my fingers went back to normal size after having the baby) and still wear them from time to time.
I think it's important not to overstep your boundaries when discussing rings with your (soon to be) fiance, but what exactly that means will differ among people. For some people the size of the ring is a variable they discuss, and for others it's not. For some people a woman asking for anything at all in particular would be too much for the guy to handle; other women pick out their rings on their own. It's a matter of knowing your communication style and how much money he plans to spend.
@hilsy85: So true, so true. When I am on the Lex line, I see some ladies with some humongous rings. I don't really think on it one way or the other. I don't really think there is anything wrong with discussing what kind of ring you want or even asking (if you are the kind of couple that discuss stuff like that. Others want the ring to be a surprise). Was I shocked when I read those posts, not really. I was shocked at some of the ladies that came down like a ton of bricks on the OP but she was very gratious and non-defensive in explaining herself. If you can afford it and it's a priority for you guys, then go for it. And please, enough with the "Oh, it's a marriage and not the ring that is my priority" blah blah blah. People have different priorities and it is what makes you you! FWIW, I live in NYC and I don't have a ring.
Hands down agree w/ rainbow.
Why can't a women explain to her FI what size stone she prefers? She is encourged to voice type of stone, cut, color, setting, etc. but not size??
And like others said, there is a big difference between explaining what you like vs. demanding that it must be excatly this way.
It probably just depends on what your financial situation is. FI and I are just starting out in our non-lucrative careers, and it would have been awful of me to ask for a carat, much less two. But, that's just our situation. I do know a girl who told her BF she wouldn't marry him if the ring was under two carats, and that was her only stipulation on marriage. I can't imagine making the most important decision of my life based on carat weight alone :P.
I agree--there's a difference between a personable discussion on size versus demanding a certain size because it's culturally impressive or because that's what you're "worth."
But then again, if there's a girl out there who DOES demand a huge rock simply because it's impressive or because she's convinced it's related to her own value, then I'm sure there's a guy out there to fetch it for her. And I hope they live happily.
I think it's fine to say "I want a big ring" if he asks you what kind of ring you like. BUT, I think it's wrong to expect a man to be "happy and accommodating" of your wishes for that huge ring and get it for you JUST because that's what you want, because maybe he places a different value on the ring. Maybe he doesn't believe in spending 5 months' salary on a ring or whatever. So, I think it's perfectly fine to express your wishes, but it shouldn't be a given that your FI will just go along with whatever you want because "it's what the woman he loves wants."
I think if you're to the point of getting engaged, he probably knows you pretty well and has seen your taste in jewelry. Will he take it upon himself to get you something you'd never pick out for yourself due to size or cost? Maybe. Maybe he'll ask one of your friends for some help or even one of his. You may have mentioned jokingly how much you'd like a 'rock', and maybe that's what you'll get! I think there's a huge difference in your guy getting you what he thinks will make you happy and that he can afford and someone setting a demand for what she wants. You can ask all you want, but it doesn't mean you'll get it.
Unless you're very jewelry savvy anyway, how many people really know how big a carat is until they actually shop for one? I've been married for a long time and have no problem telling my husband what I want, and was the same while engagement ring shopping. I wanted an emerald and that's what I got . Its what we picked together.
i just heard from one of my gf's that her roommate (who's been dating her now FI on/off for 9 years+) that she wouldn't say yes to anything less than a 3 carat solitaire.
she got it, and her parents and her FI are giving her a no-budget wedding too. :O
all i did was tell FI that i liked the style of the tiffany novo. and he chose everything else: platinum, 2ct, paved band, matching wedding band. <3
i don't think i'd want an engagement ring i gave demands about...
I think it's also important to realize what may be huge to one couple may not be huge to another...people have different perspectives and can afford different things.
Itss perfectly OK to ask for a size. I do think it is relative to a person's income. If he is making 50K a year is a 2 Carat ring asking too much? Yes, if he is making 150K, then probably not. Its about % of income.
People ask for Coach purses on a regular basis for $200. They are asking for someone to pay for the brand name vs. a Guess purse from TJ Max for $40. I dont see asking for a particular size ring as any different. Its something that you are planning to wear on your hand the rest of your life. If people spend hundreds or thousands of dollars on a wedding dress for one day, it is not too much to have a request for a ring (again you wear everyday and again within reason related to income)
But at the end of the day it should be a request or preferance, not a demand. And they should be happy with what they get.
I think its important to discuss expectations about the ring. My finance talked to me about how much he was planning on spending - mainly because we live together already and make all our major financial decisions together.
I didn't ask for a particular diamond size. I got a beautiful ring with a .49 carat diamond and two small emeralds. He told me that he chose a .49 over a .50 because he could get a much better quality diamond for the price with the .49 and the difference in size wasn't really noticable. And I love it so much. The diamond is gorgeous, the setting is unique and perfect.
But... I can understand how some people might be expecting a larger stone. When I look at the city I live in, the work I do and what kinds of rings my friends have receiced - my ring makes sense. But if I lived in a bigger city and we both made more money - I would probably want a larger stone. Unfortunately... thats just the way the world works.
But demanding a large stone is rude and inappropriate. Especially if the couple's financial situation doesn't allow for that kind of purchase. When people come on this forum and complain about diamond size - I think we all need to realize that there are people on the Bee from all over the world and everyone is in a different financial situation.
@hilsy85: That's very true. Some people might be shocked by a large diamond, but two carats, to me, is normal. Everyone's perspective is different, and my ring was something we could afford. Nothing wrong with that. Why pass judgement on those with larger rings? I don't pass judgement on those with smaller rings. It's a personal choice, so really, who cares? Why get worked up over something that has no effect on you?
@ohheavenlyday: I agree :) A ring is an investment and both parties need to be on the same page, and asking shouldn't be a "sneaky way to demand"
Also, the OP was expressing fustration with women asking for a large ring, and personally I don't see anything wrong with expressing or asking; I DO however, see something wrong with expecting or demanding.
As a couple of the bees from NY have mentioned, 1.5-2ct is not huge in some parts of the country. Where I live if someone can't even afford a ct. then they probably cannot afford the cost of living and therefore would not be able to support themselves after they got married. In my area anyone I know who has under a 1ct can't even afford rent and lives in a house that their parents own or with their parents once they are married.
With that being said I think it makes you a b*tch to say you must give me a 2ct ring.
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