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My FI and I have lived together for enough time that we have everything we need. We definately don't need more crap. Our idea is that we ask for money instead of gifts. We decided that we would put the money we received from the wedding into a house down payment savings. My bridesmaids are throwing me a bridal shower in two weeks. How do we get this message across in the least awkward way? I would rather not lie and say it was for the honeymoon.
This is widely regarded as an etiquette no-no--the best way to do it that I can think of is by word-of-mouth. People generally give money at a wedding anyway, so please avoid doing things like a money registry. ;) I've seen those before, and it's not pretty.
EDIT: And to be honest, I'd be pretty appalled if the B&G asked for money to fund their house OR their honeymoon. My gift in that case would not be money but a book on etiquette.
I think it is in very bad taste to ask for money.
I also don't think there is any way that isn't awkward to convey that to people.
I will give you fair waring. This is a very heated topic amongst the bees. You will probably get passionate responses on both sides.
My FI and I are doing a House Fund also. Everyone in our families know that we have been saving to buy the house I grew up in for quite some time. Some websites that have been recommended to me by other Bees are:
www.honeyfund.com (there is supposed to be a house fund option, too)
Most of the sites do have a service charge, but usually in the 3-8% range. Think of it like sales tax. The giver has the option to pay the fee, or it will be deducted when you cash out.
We will probably do just a small registry for some good knives (mine are shot) and some other small items. This will be for the hard-line traditionalists.
I would ask your bridesmaids pass the word along to guests that you are saving to buy a house and would be grateful for contributions to your "nest egg".
Good Luck 
We went the word of mouth route. We had a traditional registry for those who really wanted to buy a tangible gift, but our moms did a pretty good job of subtly suggesting that we have a lot of stuff, and would appreciate a monetary gift.
I went to a wedding recently and on the invitation it said "monetary donations well appreciated" I am with you and I dont want additional crap in our house..I am still on the fence as to what I should do though!
If you don't want the items, why not just not do a registry of any kind? People will likely take the hint and just write you a check.
I think this is a cultural thing. In my home country everyone gives money (or gold easily convertible to cash). I don't see why it's tacky. But since people seem to regard it as so here, I would second Scottielass' suggestions. It's not really lying, everyone knows the money they paid for "scuba diving trip" or whatever on Honeyfund is not really going to go to that.
@pat291: Oooh. I would find that to be really tacky. "Donations" makes it sound like you aren't asking for a gift, but that you are instead a charity. The actual definition of donation implies charity and or "a good cause." Not the same as a gift.
I don't think there is a good way to handle this in terms of a shower. Showers almost always feature the bride and/or groom opening presents. I don't think opening cards with money and annoucing how much everyone gave you would work. I just don't think people will be happy giving money for a shower, and if they do, I wouldn't expect them to repeat that at the wedding.
Meanwhile, for the wedding, I think registering for a honeymoon fund or something like that would be useful. But I just don't think it's right to dictate how your friends and families choose to celebrate your wedding.
We had a little thing in with our directions that suggested that if people wanted to give us a gift we'd appreciate it if they would consider a voucher for a national furniture retailer as we're trying to furnish our new house. It's done regularly here in Australia so it's not really considered offensive or rude. However, I have seen invitations with the couples bank details so people could deposit money into their account which WAS pushing the friendship - even in my laid back Aussie opinion!
Well, a lot of people will want to buy you stuff regardless. Especially any older family members. Where I live, a lot of people go with gifts to the shower and then bring cash and a card to the actual wedding.
Maybe your family and bridal party can inform guests who ask where you're registered that you really don't need any household items, but you'd prefer money to get your life started together.
Don't register anywhere, and instruct your BMs to tell people you'd prefer cash IF THEY ASK. But I wouldn't go about broadcasting it. Plus many people will probably give you cash for the wedding anyway.
Bridal showers are really supposed to be about the gifts, and sitting around watching you open cheques would be a bit much. :P My friend recently had a bridal shower with a wine theme. Everyone bought her a bottle of wine, and by the end, she had quite the nice collection!
We originally just wanted money because I have owned own houses for 5 years and have MORE than enough stuff. BUT I knew some people just dont like to give cash so we decided to register and I was really surprised at the amount of stuff we actully found we needed/ wanted.
I would suggest making a small registry because you will have people who only buy you gifts espically if you are telling people you want cash (people really dont like that) at least with the registry its crap you picked out not random stuff people buy fr you.
We felt the same way, no need and no space for gifts. We didn't register, but we also didn't have any showers (despite my mom's and FMIL's friends dying to throw us one).
Is there any way your bridesmaids could throw you a Luncheon instead of a shower? You most likely won't get any gifts, but at least you won't get gifts you don't want or need.
Other than that, my brother reigstered at Bed, Bath and Beyond, and he said when they returned their duplicate gifts, they were given cash, so that's an option!!
Do you have a wedding website? I would politely ask there. I think the whole idea that making clear what you'd prefer being rude is from a time when people didn't live together before they got married. I really do not see how asking for money for a HOUSE (the best, most useful gift you could give anyone) is so freaking appalling.
I think that word of mouth is the better option when it comes to hinting at money.
@Scottielass: Hehe, agreed.
Gotta say, though... I'm on the LOVE IT side of this argument.
I think a lot of "etiquette" went out with the 90's.
I've seen the phrase "no boxed gifts." It's a little subtle though, you might get gift card... or worse, nothing!
If you dont' want actual gifts then either don't have a registry or don't have a shower. Most people should bring you money to the wedding then. However you can't really have it both ways and have a shower getting checks and a wedding getting money. Family/friends want to see the bride opening gifts at a shower. If you wanted to have a lucheon you could and then if people ask your mom or bm's where you are registered they could say you don't really need anything but are saving for a house, maybe that will help?
Bridal Showers are for gifts not money. I think word of mouth is fine for the actual wedding day gift but I would never give money at a shower. Even if a bm told me that the bride wanted money I would not give money.
Is it that you don't want gifts? Or that you want money? It is an important distinction to make. My fiance and I do not want gifts, not really, we already have a lot of stuff and when we move in together we want to make our home together, building over the years (we have all of the basics between us). We would glady accept money if any of our guests would like to gift us money (we are not having a register) however we also know that some people are not comfortable with that, so on our invitation we are going to include a statement along the lines of, "We have chosen not to have a gift registry, however if in lieu of a tradition gift you would instead like to make a donation in our name, we would like to support the Make-A-Wish Foundation (UK)". It gives people the option that way, to either get us a gift of their choosing, give us a gift of money, or donate to a charity we support. Would something like that maybe work for you? When I generally go to weddings and get gifts for bride/groom I do not spend a lot of money and I think sometimes they would rather have that thoughtfully chosen gift than a few tens of pounds. It really is (and should be) the thought that counts.
P.S. If you get gifts and you reeeally don't like them... there is always eBay.
bad news bears: there's no way you're getting cash at a shower. It just won't happen. People love to give gifts so register for a few that you can live with - maybe table linens or a few fancy items you don't already have. Or some new updated things like tupperware or wooden spoons. Even things like aprons, stationary, luggage, candle sticks and vases are nice and people love to give!
I don't know anyone who gives money for showers! For wedding presents, yes, but the purpose of showers is to be "showered" with gifts (not cash!). If you don't want the presents, you probably shouldn't be having a shower. I personally think its rude to even spread it through word of mouth that you want money. Maybe for the wedding that is ok, but not the shower. The only time I give anything besides a gift for a shower is when I am travelling for it and don't want to deal with lugging a gift, and even then I give a gift card to where the couple is registered.
just a note of caution: some people will want to give you an actual gift no matter what, and if you have no registry, that can make for a lot of crystal vases and other stuff you don't want or need. i'd suggest having a small registry (there's always a few things you could use) so that the people who feel strongly abot giving gifts rather than money will have some guidance on what to get you.
We are going to register for a few items, but will let our family/wedding party know that what we'd really like is cash, or gift cards to big box home improvement stores. We have all the stuff we need. We have more stuff than we need. We really want is to remodel our home.
That said, I would be really annoyed if I went to a bridal shower where no gifts were opened...only cards with cash. If all you want is cash, don't have a shower. Showers are for gifts.
For the wedding, you're probably fine if you don't register. For the shower however, that's a gift opening occasion so you either don't have one or have a modified shower. If you love to bake or cook, have a recipe shower (where guests bring their favorite recipes to share). Maybe have a wine or beer tasting (hey, people might bring you a bottle as a gift!). Or, just gather the ladies in your family and have a tea party, maybe even a cookie party (either everyone bakes their favorite to bring or the hosts get a bunch of different ones from a bakery).
We got about 95% gifts at our shower. The rest was gift cards to the places we had registered at. no cash. At the wedding we got about 85% cash and the rest were gifts. I agree to have your immediate family and bridal party spread the word. I don't think it's wrong at all to prefer money for a house fund, but anytime you specify what kind of gifts in writing that you prefer, you're on that line of bad etiquette. And the shower is a place for gifts. It's no fun to sit around watching a bride open a dozen cards with cash. Maybe there are some things that you and your fiance could use around the house? It's more common to register for more than jsut typical kitchen stuff. We registered for tools, a grill, photo frames, lamps, storage stuff and organizers, etc... And if you want to redecorate a room, it's a great opportunity to do so.
How many people and who is coming to your wedding? We were in a similar place and when we got married, but everyone who attended our wedding had been in our house, knew our circumstances, etc. and they all just gave us money anyway because we "had everything" - there are ways to spread it through word of mouth to make it sound less "bad" - (for the record, I do not think it's "bad" at all, but people are weirdly sensitive & highly defensive about money) for example, what @SapphireSun mentioned
I understand where you're coming from, but I agree with Noritake that there isn't really a good way to ask for it without it being awkward. If you need to do it, then word-of-mouth might be best.
We're in a somewhat similar situation. We registered at 3 different stores b/c I was having a bridal shower. We got a lot of stuff at the bridal shower, so I just assumed that people would give us money at our wedding. (also, almost every wedding I've ever been to- 95% of the guests give cards with money- not actual gifts). People aren't doing that though, they're sending us gifts instead. Every day I go home, and there are things waiting on the doorstep for us. We really need the money more, but I don't feel comfortable telling people what they should gift us.
My advice to you is- if you don't want gifts, either don't have a registry- or if you do have one, then just delete the remaining items so people will most likely give you money.
Etiquette-wise, it's a slippery slope. Good luck!
It is never acceptable to ask for cash. Plus many people do not give cash gifts for any reason.
@selene221 - I don't think you're being fair when saying that it's "never acceptable to ask for cash". It COMPLETELY depends on your situation.
We are having a smallish wedding, only first degree relatives and longest time friends and family friends.
They know us and know our situation (two independent households merged into one), and it was perfectly acceptable and not awkward at all when they asked "are you registering" to answer "no, we have 2 of everything we could ever need. We would really prefer money to put into our house".
If you're having a large wedding where you're not close to many of the guests, or if you're having a shower, I agree that it's not ideal. But please don't over-generalize by saying that it's NEVER acceptable.
I'm having a wedding with close friends and family. We're at eighty people right now. All of my side are okay with cash instead of gifts. It's my FI's side that I'm concerned about. I know there is no way to go about doing this without it being awkward. I would rather have an awkward moment and receive what we need than make everyone comfortable and throw away these gifts that we have no room or need for. Both of our families are not traditionalists in the least and I'm sure they'll understand. The thought behind a gift is precious but we're two adults who have lived together and consequently do not need more things. How does this sound:
FI and I have lived together long enough to obtain all that we need. We are saving for a down payment on our first home and welcome any contributions in lieu of gift-wrapped presents.
It's pretty obvious that now a days people prefer money. However I feel it is POOR TASTE to flat out ask for it. Understand that especially "bridal showers' giving money isn\t the norm. Bridal showers are for gifts and then the wedding, is usually for money. I believe that under no circumstance (whether culturally or whatever excuse you have) should any invitatin say 'monetary gifts only'. It is tacky! Just have it spread casually by word of mouth. An as a word of advice...ALWAYS REGISTER, as there are always people out there who simply don't believe in giving money as a gift. You don't want to end up with a crap gift afterall. ;-)
I didn't read all of the other responses first so my response will probably be redundant.
I think it's a huge no-no to ask for $$. I went to a wedding last year and on the invitation it said "monetary gifts preferred" and I thought that was so tacky! My fiance & I have lived together for four years so we, too, don't really need any household gifts. I think that 99% of your guests will take into account, when shopping for your gift, that you've lived together already and, as such, likely don't need much houseware items as gifts!
Again, I am going to ask them for money even if it is considered tacky, which is not the issue right now. My question was how do I go about doing it. What would be the least awkward(I know there isn't an unawkward route,hence the "least awkward") way to ask. Please throw in your suggestions.
People are going to buy you actual gifts for a shower no matter if you ask for cash. That's what showers are usually for. I only got one monetary gift at my shower out of like 100. If you don't want a bunch of stuff you'll never use, then maybe you shouldn't have a shower. Do the people throwing your shower know you want only cash, no gifts? Now, if you're talking for a wedding gift, you could do something like the housefund thing someone mentioned earlier. I think that would be acceptable.
Showers/weddings should not be about profiting....I think it is pretty sad actually to WANT money that bad. Goodluck.......
I just received a wedding invite that had an insert that dealt with this. They put:
Dear Family & Friends,
We are saving for a down payment on our first home and welcome any contributions in lieu of gift-wrapped presents.
Thank you,
John & Jane
This is the third invite I've gotten with that note. The first one startled me a little but it just wasn't a big deal. Then, where I live, there is always registry information included in the invite.
I have lived on my own for 23 years and have lived with FI for almost 8. I had someone ask where i was registered....i politely told her i was not registered anywhere because i've lived on my own since i was 20. My future FIL asked what we wanted as a gift because its better to get a gift then money....to myself i thought "thats your opinion". He said to think of something and thats kinda awkward because FI said do we think of something for $20 or for $100. I would never tell someone to give me money, at my age i would probably say we don't need anything even tho i know most will give money.
@Kitty Kat: I don't think this is a case of profiting. Even receiving gifts is type of profiting. It's not about WANTING money, it's about NOT NEEDING gifts. Give the poor girl a break. She is asking for advice, not judgement.
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