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Let me start off by saying that my FSIL are not close. I have tried many times to befriend her, but I get a vibe from her that she doesn't care for me, so I have decided to back off and stop trying. She became engaged 6 months before FH and I did, and her and her fiance are including FH (her brother) in their wedding party, but I was not asked. When FH and I became engaged, I felt it was only right to include her in the wedding party. I wanted to try to establish a relationship with her, and I thought that this may make her feel special, included, and may bring us closer. Unfortunately, it has not. We are not mean to each other, we just don't click.
Did you include your FSIL in your wedding party even though you were not close? If you did not, did it cause tension with your in-laws?
Er, I did not answer your poll because none of those choices really apply to me. I am sure there are lots of girl who asked their FSILs to be in their wedding party because they get along, not because they were guilted into or are trying to keep the peace.
My FSIL and I are like you and yours. We don't hate each other, but we don't have a lot in common and I always feel really awkward around her, like I never know what to say. But... she is going to be my family now too so I did ask her to be a bridesmaid. I didn't feel guilted into it... I genuinely want to get along better with her! I'm glad I asked her, since the experience has actually brought us closer together.
We aren't having a wedding party, but if we did I would have chosen my FSIL as a BM. I've never met her and we aren't close AT ALL, but I thought it would be a nice gesture. If your FSIL could care less, I wouldn't bother.
I didn't vote because, although I did ask my SIL (brother's wife), and we are not close, we aren't NOT close, if you get what I mean. She's a sweet girl, and I didn't have many other women who I would want to be my BM, so I asked her. If we didn't have a good relationship, though, I would not have asked her. This is my brother's 3rd wife, and if he had still been married to his last wife, there is no way I would have asked her.
I didn't ask any of my FSILs because I am not close with any of them, and my FI is so much younger than all of them (16 years at the youngest), so it would have been awkward. Plus my FI is female, and if she wanted her sisters in the wedding, she could have asked them. ;)
@TinyTina: It's not that my FSIL and I simply just have nothing in common. We actually have a lot in common. It's the fact that I have tried over and over again to befriend her, and she remains cold to me.
I started getting a push after the BM dresses were ordered from my FI to have his sis in the wedding. His BM backed out, and he thought about having her on his side, which would be fine, but then that would leave my bro as the only sib not included. We decided to have my bro and his sis both do readings. Even though we are celebrating coming together as a family, she has a history of antagonizing me, and I'm more comfortable using the occasion to honor my best friends as "family".
@BridalBlondie: If she didn't include you her in hers, you're not obligated or expected to include her in yours.
@BridalBlondie: Ah okay. In this case I might not ask her to be a BM then. You will really need support of close friends/family in your wedding party, especially as you get closer to the big day. You also said she did not ask you to be her BM, so I would use that argument if you think not asking her will cause tension with your in-laws.
I really wanted just my MOH and his BM but it was pretty much made known that my FSIL will be in our wedding. Mainly by her. Was I obligated? No, but I know it made my FI happy and I'm trying to develop more of a relationship with her. I now have a bridal party of 4 b/c I refused to let it be just my MOH and her. I know she's excited but I don't expect much from her other than just showing up. Quite honestly, I don't think I want her at my bachelorette party. However, I really am hoping that this helps our relationship going forward.
I was in a similar situation (not close but for no aprticular reason and I wanted to improve our relationship). It seemed natural to include her, particuarly because DH included my brothers. She said yes, all was good and then she decided to pull out by telling her mom. I still don't know if I got the real reason but her mom says she was feeling uneasy about standing up in front of ppl (the BMs sat in the first row so this was not even an issue). Either way, it only made our relationship worse. So, if she didn't include you, it sounds like she has no interest in improving the relationship and my jaded opinion is to leave her out because if you don't click it could get worse.
@slicey19: You make a good point. She knew at the time of her engagement that her brother was going to propose to me in a few months. If she wanted to become closer to me, she would have included me. I just don't get it. I have tons of friends and get along with everyone. For some reason, she is just very cold and condescending to me. I have seen her be so friendly and loving towards her friends and family, and then totally ignore me and stick her nose up in the air. I have to wonder if it is because she has always been the center of attention in the family, and I have a very outgoing personality, and I love to make people laugh and have fun. My close friends and my mom feel that maybe she is threatened by me, and doesn't want any focus being on anyone other than her. She has even gone as far as telling her mother things about me to make me look bad. I try to be so nice to her and never say a bad word about her, but it's hard when you feel like someone doesn't like you and is out to put you down and make you look bad.
For our wedding party, we only had the closest of friends. We talked about having brother/sister/SIL in the wedding party itself but decided against it. My husband didn't want his brother in the wedding party. So, we made BIL and my brother ushers. My SIL was a reader for the ceremony. She did the prayers for us. My brother and his wife also ushered my nephews down the aisle since they were the ringbearers. We weren't guilted into it because she had me in her party 4-5 years ago at the time. All in all, our division of tasks worked out well for us. .
I'm in the same position as TinyTina. I get along okay with my FSIL. We don't have a lot in common, but we are going to be family so I wanted to include her. I think it was a good choice. I know that if I had a brother I would want my FI to at least consider him for a groomsman, so I kind of take it in that way. I think you have to take all the relationships into consideration. If you're really against it, then don't do it. But I think it's good to at consider it.
I was worried about this same thing, though our situation is a little different because FI and FSIL are 16 years apart. At 42, I was pretty sure she would not want to be in the wedding party but I didn't want to offend her by not asking her! Luckily my FMIL told me her daughter felt she was past her bridesmaids days.
I'm still trying to think of some other honor we could give her so she still feels a part of it without necessarily being in the wedding party. Is there maybe something else she could do besides being a bridesmaid? Like @carrieknitscake: suggested, maybe your FSIL could do a reading or something like that. You know the situation best, though, so if you don't think reaching out to her would bring you closer, I think you should do what feels right and causes the least family drama!
I chose not to mostly because of logistics. I like my SIL and would have gladly had her as a bridesmaid, but the distance (6k miles) made things difficult. But she also wasn't all that sure of standing up in front of people, so what we did was have her pass out the programs and bubbles. She was happy with that. :)
I am not having any of my SIL future or other as BM's. Sorry no those spots were and are for my dear friends and niece
@BridalBlondie: I am in the same exact situation as you. FSIL got engaged before me, did not ask me to be in her bridal party, She has asked FI to be in her BP. (she already asked me what dress she will be wearing as a bridesmaid even though I have not asked her to be in my BP.)
I have decided that I am not making her a BM unless FI insists. I may make her an usher so she has to stand in the back of the church. Yeah I can be a jerk sometimes.
No, my FSIL is not in our wedding. This is MY bridal party so the only people who are going to be included are those who I want to include. I love my FSIL but sometimes she's hard to handle. We butt heads every now and then so I wanted to keep that drama out of my wedding planning.
She was married a few years ago and I never expected her to ask me to be a bridesmaid nor did she expect me to ask her.
Okay, so I actually didn't invite my future SIL to be in the bridal party. First of all, I don't really know her and what I do know, I don't like! My fiance didn't ask my brother to be a best man and we both decided that we only wanted to ask the people that we felt very close to. In the end we felt that was the best decision for us. Turns out that it wasn't an easy one for his family to accept....
We have been engaged since August and they have brought up this "issue" multiple times. I tried to include the SIL in other wedding day stuff like doing a reading, attending my bachelorette party (a spa retreat for me and my favorite people - maids and not maids alike!) and that was a total bust. She's snubbed every offer and have been "offended" by my offers. Whatever.
Bottom line: thank GOD she lives on the WEST COAST and we're in Virginia!
@LetsGoPens: It really makes you feel shafted when they ask your FI to be in the BP and totally ignore you, doesn't it? It's really fun when they all sit around and talk about bridal plans in front of you while you sit there twiddling your thumbs. Yet, God forbid you don't include them!
@Soon-to-be Mrs. Chuckles: The sad thing is, I used to like her, but the more I know about her and the more time I spend with her, the more I am starting to dislike her. Mainly because I NEVER try with anyone. I have always been the kind of person who says, if you don't like me, oh well! Yet, with my FIL's I have really tried. It is extremily frustrating and irritating that I have bent over backwards to be this chick's friend just to have her ignore me. It's like I am expected to perform a song and dance at her command just for her to talk to me. Not happening! :P
@BridalBlondie: Are you following me? Our situation is exactly the same, I think you are folowing me hahahaha. Her family talks about her wedding all the time and how it is going to be the "best wedding ever" and how she is going to be the "most beautiful bride ever" She has always been the venter of attention and boy is she taking advantage of it now.
I feel like she doesn't care that we are going to be family. What made it even worse is that she is having 9 bridesmaids, only one of them is family. It makes me feel like she doesn't think I am good enough to be one of NINE!!! She is getting married soon and she has not asked me to do one thing.
I keep telling myself that by not being in her bridal party I am saving about $1000. (with her $250 BM dress, her multiple bridal showers and her multiple bachorlette parties)
@LetsGoPens: No, YOU are following ME! LOL! Ahh it feels so good to have someone to vent with!! I keep telling myself the same thing too. She actually told me I will have to take time off of work to go to the Bach party with her and her friends. Yea, so you can have extra money to have a better party? Ummm, thanks I'll pass.
Her family is ALWAYS talking about how great the wedding will be. Our wedding is going to be about 6 months later. I really wish they would take into consideration how their comments feel. NO bride wants to constantly hear about how someone else's wedding is going to be "the best." The attention ALWAYS has to be on her, and if it isn't believe me...she will MAKE it about her! She is soooo unbelieveably draining.
But, it still hurts my feelings that I am constantly being snubbed. I have been around her and her friends before at family functions and I get along very well with her friends. She makes a point to talk about how close they all are and all the things they do together right in front of me. It kind of feels like we are back in high school and she is trying to be the "cool girl" and make a point to exclude me from the inner circle. (sigh)
@BridalBlondie: It is really nice to know that I am not the only one going through all this FSIL drama.
Luckilly I haven't heard anything about being invited to the bach party. Hopefully I won't be. If I am I may have a "migraine" that night. I think you should have a "migraine" the night of your FSIL's bach party. About taking time off of work, I would tell her that you are having an important meeting that day and you can't get out of work.
It does hurt a lot being snubbed. I feel like a horrible person saying this but I want everying dealing with my wedding to be better than hers. I want a better dress, I want a better venue, I want better food I want better deals than her. I feel so immature saying this and thinking this way but it makes me feel better.
Lets just hope and pray that FSIL's don't get pregnant before our weddings, I can't imagine the mess that would make. If FSIL does anything crazy and you need to vent feel free to PM me, I am on here all the time.
i have 2 sils, both of whom were bridesmaids; i wanted my bro's wife to be a bm, and my bro to be a groomsmen, so i felt like i had to ask dh's sil too. she's nuts though, and can be dramatastic. luckily my moh and other bms were amazing at insulating her from me
i did becuase i felt it was the right thing to do. i had only met her a few times, but they live in CA and i know the family felt very left out of hubs first wedding. plus i was including my sister and my SIL (brother's wife - who i def butt heads with a lot) and hubs was including my brother as a groomsman. i felt like i couldn't have my current SIL and then exclude my FSIL. you're going to be family. plus me and my sister are STILL hurt that my bro/SIL didn't include us in their wedding. i mean at the end of the day, its no skin off my teeth and it helps everyone feel included and important. why not??
@LetsGoPens: OMG I feel the same way. It's like Bridewars or something! It makes me feel like a bad person too, but I am working that much harder to really wow everyone since her whole family is convinced that she will have the best wedding ever.
Your comment put a visual in my head of FSIL waddling down the isle in her $4,000 wedding gown 8 months pregnant when she is trying so hard to be fit for the wedding. Is it wrong of me to find this somewhat humerous? I kid, I kid....
Honestly though, if you ever need to talk to someone I am here as well. She pretty much does something to irritate me every 2 months or so. I will be sure to send you a message and update you.
I haven't read all the responses yet, but here are my thoughts: I did include my FSIL, and we weren't particularly close at the time, but we're closer now. We're in really different places in life. (FI's brother is 10 years older, so they've been married for a while and have a house and children.) We probably wouldn't be friends if we just met at work or in a class or something. I asked her b/c of family pressure from both sides - my FMIL leaned on me, and then when I complained to my mom she said "You should, it's the right thing to do."
Your FSIL is going to be part of your family for the rest of your life. Your children and her children (if you both have kids) will be cousins. You're going to be going to family holidays and baptisms and weddings and funerals together. I think it's worth continuing to reach out... hopefully she'll get it eventually.
While my FSIL and I do get along, I would not have asked her to be a bridesmaid if it were not for my fiancé. He asked if I would ask his sister to be a bridesmaid and I said sure, I'll ask. No drama. No regrets. But if fiancé did not ask, I would have asked a friend instead.
My husband doesn't have any sisters, so this wasn't an issue for me. Had I not had anyone else, I probably would have asked one of his brothers' wives, as I like them both a lot. As it stood, though, I had my two best friends, and my stepsister.
The latter was the one I chose to keep peace in my family, even though she was one of my biggest stressors. I had other very close friends I would have preferred to ask, including my stepbrother's estranged wife (but I think my stepmom's head may have exploded), but it would have led to a lifetime of drama.
If nothing else, hopefully your FI appreciates the gesture.
Well, my DH has 3 sisters, and a few SILs. I included one sister and one niece of my DH. I was not included in my DHs brother's wedding although he was the BM. This was before we got engaged. I did not include her; if I were to include everyone, it would've been a 20 person bridal party ;). Only you know what is right for you. If she is your BM, then let her be and continue being the bigger person. But, don't keep trying so hard. Back off and let her try some. There's not much you can do to befriend her if she isn't willing. Sorry you're going through this :(
I am not close with my FSIL at all, but I did ask her to be a bridesmaid because I felt it was the right thing to do. I also didn't want any future drama with my in-laws. So far, I don't regret it all. I am in the same situation as you, I too have tried to befriend my FSIL, but we just don't click and have completely different personalities.
My SIL's were a little upset that they weren't in our wedding party, but they and their husbands played a very important role as our host couples.
You shouldn't have anyone that you aren't very close to in your bridal party. It's your day, and those girls should be your closest and dearest friends. Obviously if she's already in your wedding you can't go back on the request.
I would never have included anyone in my wedding party just to "keep peace". They are there to support and make the day special, as well as represent the bride and groom when they are unavailable. I needed people I loved dearly and trusted entirely to be a part of our party.
@Cremebrulee41: I'm sorry to hear you are going through that. You are not alone, trust me!
There is no drama with my FSIL and we get along just fine, but the main reason we are not close is because she is so much younger than me/us. She's 19 and although we live in the same town she's more wrapped up in college life than boring late 20-somethings :)
However I chose to include her in my bridal party...somewhat out of a sense of obligation.
She was my MOH because she was the only one who stepped up and helped us with everything even though she didn't approve of our living situation. She is a major christian and didn't like that we were living together before getting married and that we already had a child but she was there when my real sisters weren't. I would have had my husbands SIL as my other brides maid if she hadn't been our photographer.
I think in your situation, I wouldn't ask her to be your bridesmaid. I asked my FSIL to be part of my bridal party and sometimes have regrets because we're so different. Many of things I like she finds corny and we're not compatible much. She'll say stuff like "Oh..that's cute, it's not completely corny" and it does hurt my feelings. I would go with what you're happy with instead of regretting it later on.
No. My FSIL is going to do a reading instead. She has 5 kids (3 young) and is going to have her have her hands full!
I chose "other" because FI is having his sister on his side of the wedding party as a Groomswoman. We figured since it's his family she should be on his side. And on my side i'm having a Man of Honor.
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