Post # 1
Now me and SO are preparing for our engagement, aka paying off the ring, sorting something nice to do on our anniversary as he wants to romantically ask the question, and he’s asked me if he can ask my parents first.
Initially I said no, as the idea that I would need my parent’s confirmation is ludicrous to me and I didn’t want my whole family to know before it happened – selfish as it is, I wanted to tell them myself, and see people’s reactions!
But I realise that his desire to ask is more important than my preference that he doesn’t. We’ve discussed it, found a bit of a compromise, and he’s going to ask for their blessing rather than their permission. He’s also going to ask them not to tell my entire family as nothing’s set in stone (even though it totally is).
Now he’s going to ask them when he comes over this weekend – and I need to find some kind of excuse to leave the room for a good twenty minutes to give him time to get up the guts to ask.
Also, share your experience! Did your SO ask your Dad/parents, and if so did he ask for permission or blessing?
Post # 3
Haha, there is no way that my FI would have asked for anyone’s permission or blessing. We don’t believe in it for several reasons.
1. It wouldn’t matter what they said, he still would have proposed, so the lip service seems disingenuous and disrespectful.
2. It cheapens the idea of getting engaged/married. If I can’t say yes to him without my family’s approval am I really doing it of my own volition? It takes away from the idea that I am in love with him and saying yes to him.
Post # 4
@BuBuBubbles: These are the exact reasons I was against it, but it’s important to my SO and I suppose it’s whatever makes him happiest. It won’t change the question or the answer, and we’ll do it regardless but if it makes him happy…
Post # 5
I think it sounds fine to just phrase it as asking for their blessing rather than their permission. I kinda wish my fiance had asked my parents first, but that’s mostly because they would have loved to know what was going on (they had been waiting on a proposal!), and he was open with his parents about wanting to propose, so I think it’s fair that both sets of parents get roughly equal notice.
That’s great that you guys have reached a compromise though! Nice work!
Post # 6
I think it’s cool that you compromised, but can you explain why your desire to not be made to feel like a commodity that’s being traded is less important than his desire to ask? I just think, that in general, anytime there’s a tradition linked to “women as property” the woman’s feelings should honestly trump the guys’ opinion on the matter.
Post # 7
My SO really doesn’t want to ask my Dad’s permission, and fair enough, I don’t want him to either. But we’re both very close to our families and my Dad would be crushed if my SO didn’t at least speak to him before proposing. So he’s going to ask my Dad for his blessing and that’s it. My Dad is very conservative and always mentions how we should wait so and so years to “have our happily ever after” even though we’ve been together for 5 years and living together for 1.5yrs (we’re 22). So I think not asking his blessing would cause a lot of drama that I don’t particularly want to deal with.
Post # 8
@crayfish: I suppose I just realised that it’s 2013, nobody in that room actually believes or thinks that I’m their property. As far as I’m concerned it just seems like going through the motions, pointless, but since it’s important to SO I guess it can’t hurt to let him have the conversation since the whole ‘ownership’ thing isn’t relevant to us. I still don’t like the idea that much, and I would have preferred he didn’t, but if it’s just an empty conversation then I can’t imagine it’ll hurt to let him do it. Does that make sense? 😀