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I think if it was on a website or you spread the news by word of mouth it would be a nice gesture and I would happily contribute. Putting it on the invitation is a bit much though. I feel like gifts shouldn't be mentioned at all on the invite.
I think that sounds lovely, and I would have no problem donating to charity. If I received something like that in an invitation, I would be touched by the honesty and generousity.
I just think its rude to specifically ask for something in particular. Charitable donations should be made with a willing heart not because they have been told to do so by a couple getting married
I agree with @Natalieh86:
I don't have a problem with what you wrote, just don't include anything about gifts with your invitation.
I think it's kind of in between rude and not. Definitely don't put it in the invitations. And obviously don't have any showers. If I saw it written somewhere, I might raise my eyebrows and go "really?"
You listed "I would not give them a gift" as if that were a bad option, but what if I saw the charity, and it was something that I didn't agree with? Even if I didn't dislike the charity, I might just think, "well, I'm definitely not gettting them a gift since they clearly don't want any..." and I may or may not donate to the charity.
We did a charity registry and I'm glad we did it. It felt good to think about others during the business of wedding planning (where it's so easy to get wrapped in just the wedding).
I agree with the others that putting it on the invitation isn't kosher, etiquette rules say you shouldn't mention gifts at all.
@joy2011: I live in England so no bridal showers for me anyway! That's an American thing.Also, I don't think that the type of charity I'm talking about is one that people CAN disagree with. They take care of people who are dying. Surely everyone supports that. It isn't a contentious issue.
And for folks saying don't mention gifts with the invitation, that's interesting because that's when people usually do mention them in my experience - usually as part of the invitation. If you create a website, you have to bear in mind that not everyone will read it. For the older generations, especially, it can be scary and/or confusing so they sometimes steer clear of the internet. I have seen people have wedding websites where you HAVE to RSVP online though and I really love the idea as, for me, it just makes replying so much easier. But I would be worried to do that for myself in case some people didn't have access to the internet and it was a big hassle for them. I think I love the idea of not mentioning it all on the invitations, having people have to RSVP online and then everyone is bound to read the extra info (or I would do anyway).
BTW, i think what you're doing is very thoughtful and generous. It's a touching way to honor a loved one.
BTW, i think what you're doing is very thoughtful and generous. It's a touching way to honor a loved one.
@bells: But when people make wedding lists/register for gifts, they are asking for something VERY specific. Do you think that's rude too? I do think it's rude but it seems to be the custom and I thought everyone accepts that custom. Personally, it always seemed weird and expectant though.
We put it on our website. We listed our website on our save the dates and had a "reception" card in our invitation with general info about the reception and our website. The website was mostly helpful info about the wedding. According to the etiquette books (which I sometimes disagree with), this is an ok way to go.
Ideally you can spread this info through word of mouth, but considering we live in 2011 maybe a facebook status update would be better?
We registered with the i do foundation (www.idofoundation.org) so we could direct our guests to that website. There are other websites, www.justgive.org or www.globalgiving.org, as well. That way you can get notified when people make donations so you can send them a thank-you.
It went very well! Our guests thought it was very thoughtful of us. We also had a traditional registry at Bed, Bath, & Beyond so people who wanted to get us a traditional gift had that option.
Related to etiquette, the "experts" disagree on whether or not a charity registry is acceptable. this is one of the times I decided to ignore Miss Manners. If it's rude to tell my guests we would love a donation to a local food pantry to help the hungry in our community instead of a toaster, then I can live with being rude.
I don't see anything wrong with this - since most people put registry information on their wedding website, you can put a link to the charity instead of the typical registry.
I think anything in the invitation regarding gifts is rude. Including the little blurb you've suggested. If anything you can put that little blurb on the website if you intend to have one but don't write that in the invite.
Kate and William did this. If the royals can get away with it, then so can everyone else. I think it's touching and I wouldn't have a problem donating to the charity of your choice.
@VickyAurea: It may not be the mission of the charity that people may oppose. I am quite particular about which charities I give my money to, as many charitible organizations spend too much money on overhead. I will only support charities that spend <25% of their fundraising on overhead.
I think it is rude, not because you are doing something nice, because you are. But because charities are a very private issue. People are very loyal to their charities, while this charity is obviously one you and FI support, others may not agree.
I don't think its rude at all. Its a kind thing to do. How about a charity box. We thought about doing the same thing for Japan at our wedding.
Initially I was thinking "how rude!" But the request was phrased really well as came across as a sweet request. I would probably either just not give a gift, as th couple requested, or if I thought the organization was one that I might want to donate to I may do that. Looking over someone's registry full of $40 carrot peelers gives me a bad taste in my mouth anyway!
how in the WORLD could someone find it offensive or rude? When my best friend's mother died, rather than send her flowers, I gave to charity in her name. she called me a few days later and said "you always know the right thing to do." At Christmas, we ask that people NOT send our children gifts, but donate to the foster home two of our children lived in before they were placed with us. Each year, my kids are asked to donate 10 hours of community service to the local children's hospital that cared for their brother in his time of need. My father has asked us to donate to Make-a-Wish foundation every year for his birthday because they did something wonderful for my mother before she died. For our vow renewal we are asking that people give to charity in my mother's name rather than gifts.
I am honestly wondering how being selfless enough to ask for others to donate rather than for trinket gifts is rude.
Reading your post, I think that's a very classy, sweet, and meaningful gesture.
There are some cases where I like the idea -- yours is one of them. I think anyone who has said that it would be tacky to ask for either didn't read your post or is focusing on the etiquette aspect of not asking for it in the invitation -- which I agree with.
I hope this doesn't make me sound awful, but just for the sake of the thread - I don't always love it when people ask for charity donations. No one in my circle is so wealthy that they couldn't benefit from a gift for them/their household, and that is something I would prefer to be able to do for people I care about. I am not a wealthy person but I give as much money as I can afford each year to a charity that is important to me, and there are some pretty questionable charities out there. Especially in these hard economic times, if it's not a charity that has a reputation for low overhead and demonstrated results, I woudln't be very excited to scrape enough cash together for a nice wedding gift only to send it into an organization I don't know much about. There's lots you can do to mitigate that, though -- have a registry for people who dont' want to donate to the organization, offer more info about the organization in addition to your already explaining why it's meaningful to you, etc.
Again, I think the way you're thinking about it is very classy and thoughtful. Our recent wedding was a very emotional event for many relatives who are still mourning the loss of my father. We all missed him that day and finding tasteful ways to remember a loved one is always a nice gesture, I think.
I agree with some of the other posters that it's kind of a gray area. My FI and I were recently given a 1 gift option for a couple friend of ours and were very taken back by how rude it was. We felt like we wanted to have choices in what we did with our money. However I feel it was probably in the way they had worded it. I think with careful wording it would be OK and it may also be better if you include some ohter options as well. It is a lovely idea I just feel like you may need to tred lightly.
I personally feel that it is perfectly acceptable! I would put it in the invite as a separate enclosure and/or on a wedding website.
EDIT: I wanted to add that in this day and age, people who attend weddings SHOULD be giving a gift to the couple. I love that you are making it easier for your guests by giving them this option. Yes, you are telling people to consider doing something they may not have necessarily done on their own, but a charity is a charity and a donation is a donation. I really love your idea and truly think you should go with it!
I think it's totally fine. The way you have worded it works for me. Good for you!
To those PPs who have mentioned only supporting charities with low overheads, please don't rule out perfectly legitimate charities because they have a higher overhead. As someone who worked in this field I can tell you that there are MANY charities/non-profits that claim to have low overheads when in fact they don't (it's paid for in other ways & not required to be reported), or who claim to have low overheads but underpay their staff so much that they live in poverty while working overtime. What charity you give to should not be based on overhead but the impact they have on those they are trying to reach.
I , personally, am very strict on what charities I give to. I vett my charitables extensively, so if a couple I was attending their wedding asked only for money to go to a charity that did things I don't agree with or am morally opposed to I might not be offended but definiately put off by it. Also, (as a PP said) alot of charities are feel good charities and seem to have good intention while putting very little of the money to research, patient care, etc. Alot of the actual money raised goes to administrative cost with most of them.
@tksjewelry: I hear what you are saying, but if my friend/family member asked me to donate to a charity because THEY wanted us to, I wouldn't be opposed to it. It's their wedding, and if that is what makes them happy, then I want them to be happy.
@bride2bejc: I was just going to say the same thing. It's great that everyone has charities they personally prefer and feel loyal to for whatever reasons...but the bride and groom are asking for you to support something important to THEM on THEIR day, in lieu of physical gifts. A one time donation, for their sakes on their special day, shouldn't be an issue for ANYONE really! Would you rather buy them a toaster they will return or re-gift? What would you feel better about? I think it's a beautiful idea, and shows the selfless side and generousity of the bride and groom, which on a wedding day that is so focused on 2 people, is wonderful unto itself.
Maybe a way to satisfy the masses is to request donations to a charity of their own choice, and then suggest your personal choice for those who don't usually donate, or prefer to support the bride and grooms charity of choice. Maybe the bride and groom could have a table or board with info on each charity that was donated to so people could see what was supported.
I donate to charities of my own free will and to the charities/organizations of MY choice. I personally would find it rude and odd. I would bring a wedding gift (either cash or something from the registry) because that is how I was raised.
As another poster said, it may be their day but if I do not like that charity I am not giving them a donation. Now if I give the bride and groom a cash gift of $200, I certainly can't control what they spend it on but I hope out of respect for me, the thank you card wouldn't be a "haha we gave your monetary gift to the charity we like"
On our web site, we listed our registry locations and the charity we chose.
We wrote, "Below you will find our registries. While everyone loves getting gifts, we are encouraging our friends and families to make a contribution to the Wounded Warrior Project." I included a link to the WWP like I did the other registries and explained what they do. My now-husband is a Marine, so it wasn't an out of the blue charity. We got a wonderful reception - people commented on how thoughtful it was for us to think like that. A handful of people gave us gifts and contributed to WWP. A number of people just donated (WWP provided a print out that they put in cards). I see nothing wrong with this. I think if people are offended by something like this, or this charity, they should have RSVPd no to my wedding.
We had Marines at our wedding performing the sword arch that weren't able to stay for the reception (because the wedding was small) and we donated in honor of our sword arch marines and I handwrote them a thank you for their time, participation and service and that we made a donation in their honor.
Like I said, if you feel it's right, go for it. You know your audience. I was so pleased that we were able to make a difference for one charity on our wedding, and it helped us limit the number of gifts that we really didn't need. If you don't register for anything, people are "offended" too. You can't win with some people...life lesson ;)
Mentioning a charity you like isnt requiring anyone give to them, it's just a suggestion, I see it the same as a registry. People can do what they want with the info. The only thing that I might think is slightly rude (but I can see why someone would mention it) is saying what gifts you don't want, which is what the note kinda does.
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This post is purely for curiosity's sake. I'm just a waiting bee but lots of the etiquette posts on here have got me thinking. Just wondering, what would you think and do if you got invited to a wedding and part of the invitation said this?
"Whilst guests are in no way obliged to give us a gift, we understand that some people may want to. This section's for them! Having already lived together, we have acquired most things that could be considered traditional wedding gifts for a newlywed couple setting up home. Therefore we don't have a wedding list! If anyone would like to give us a gift, we would love charitable donations of any size to be given to [charity name] in memory of [SO]'s mum who we're sure would have loved to see us get married. This charity is very special to us as they cared for her at the end of her life and made those last days worth living. Anyone who wishes to donate to [charity name] can visit our donations website to make an online payment, with the option of remaining anonymous, or can give us a cheque addressed to [charity name].
Would you think it was rude? Would you donate to charity? Would you get them a different gift or no gift at all?