Post # 1
Hi ladies…I posted a couple weeks ago about how I worried my FI was having some form of affair with a friend. ((http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/we-took-a-break-he-might-have-cheated-part-ii#axzz2VTnCfrXf))
since me seeing the “love my…” Comment, I brought it up to him, remaining really calm and saying what I saw and that he could deny it all he wanted, but it was really obvious what it meant. And that given the fact he ignored my pleas for an explanation, it made it that much more concrete that he was hiding this affair, whatever it consisted of. I did not ask for any details because really, what would they matter. I knew knowing if he slept with her or not would only hurt me more. i said I needed him to tell me it was over because of his actions. At first he got really shaky and started to cry, but not apologizing or trying to even explain it away. I said I had to go and he said he’d call the next morning. The next day comes and he does not call. He does not text. I finally call him at night and he quickly became like explosively angry at me, about my work, about past arguments we’d had and that he wanted to forgive me but couldn’t, that be knows he is horrible to me but doesn’t know why, having he had a horrible day, horrible month, and is having a life crisis. I kept waiting for him to bring up the other woman, and he did not. I saw that the conversation was going nowhere so kept silent. He told me he had to go, and abruptly hung up. That was 17 days ago. I have not heard from him other than an email he sent me this Monday that was a photo of myself at his house from 3 years ago. There was no text in the email, but the subject line was simply “x”.
and that is that. I’m trying to process it all, that even if it hasn’t been spoken, it is over. I thought maybe there would be (even if they were false) apologies or something. Nope. I am grieving everything so hard. I can’t focus at work. If can only relax if I take Valium. I can’t believe I caught him in an affair and he had nothing to say. Like….wow, how cold of a person is he? I thought cheaters flailed when they got caught. He has just disappeared, save for that random email. I’m sure he is doing whatever with his whore, but I have managed to not stalk him on any social media because I know it will only destroy me further. I’m so profoundly sad.
Post # 3
Well he was trying to put the blame on you, when he was clearly in the wrong. I’m sorry you are going through this, I can’t even imagine. Hopefully you have people to lean on during this time. Thank God you didn’t marry him, all of this would have been much harder. Stay strong!
Post # 4
What a WEIRDO he is! Glad you are out of it!
Post # 5
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
What a dick! All of his behavior since you confronted him really proved that you dodged a bullet. Stay strong lady xoxo
Post # 6
@anonconfused: I know this is really tough now, and it might be a long time before it feels better, but someday you will know you dodged a bullet. Marrying this guy would have been a huge mistake and now you are free to find someone who will be loyal to you and commuicative and treat you properly.
Post # 7
That’s one real M**%#$ [email protected]
I’m so pissed at him for you. I have no advice, because that is the worst thing that could possiby happen to someone. He cheats on you, leaves it open ended and doesn’t say he didn’t or did, doesn’t apologize for all the frustration&hurt (as I am sure this isn’t the first time you argued about it), and disappears? I hate him on your behalf.
Post # 8
I know relationships are never a “waste,” but that is what it feels like now. I poured so much time and money and love into it, only to have it shat on. I feel betrayed in the most extreme way possible. That I guess I never knew him, after 6 years he was a stranger capable of pain I could never fathom. I know I am mourning something that was never there, which makes it even harder.
Post # 9
I’m so sorry you’ve had to endure this.
You will heal in time and you will be sooooo glad you found this all out before you got married.
Post # 10
This is so sad, but at least you know now you weren’t crazy. Don’t label yourself as a stalker or anything of the sort for wanting to know the truth. You deserve every detail. I hate how men use the term “snooping” or “stalking” to shame women into not holding them accountable for the truth. I reamed my FI OUT for this a few weeks ago, as he saw the word “snooper” on TV and thought it would be cute to apply to me. I let him know that I don’t appreciate that at all seeing as how when he asks me a question, I respectfully answer it. If he needs to dance around the truth or change the subject, something is not right. FI apologized and admitted that it’s true.
Post # 11
I am in no way excusing his actions or the way he treated you when he spoke to you – because that cannot be condoned. But maybe he blew up the way he did because he is so angry, not at you but himself and he cannot express it properly so he tried to make himself feel better by shifting the blame to you? It is possible that he is so mortally ashamed that he has been caught (or even just that he could even do it in the first place) that he is crumbling inside. If he actually talks to you about the real issue then it is like he is admitting and and it becomes ‘real’ which may be very hard for him to confront. Again, I’m not saying that this is right – I’m just trying to understand why he would react the way he has.
I think he does miss you and loves you (evident by the photo he sent) but he has major communication issues. It’s pretty obvious he doesnt know how to talk to you about this and is really struggling to find any words at all now.
I feel terrible for you and I wouldn’t blame you if you could not talk to him again, but maybe you need to try to? Even if it is just to get some closure for yourself. You sound like you have been very understanding and level headed, I commend you for this.
Post # 12
It sounds like he is expressing all the things that are going on that he is unhappy about. An affair is usually just a symptom of greater problems – not the cause of the problem. Sounds like breaking up is definitely for the best – try and get some space and perspective. Hopefully whatever went wrong in this relationship will help you in your next one!
Post # 13
@anonconfused: i understand that it is hard right now but time heals. allow yourself to grieve and gain acceptance with this. trust me, you will feel like a new woman at the end of all of this.
Post # 14
@Excited2BeeMrs: i do think that he isn’t speaking to me, because what is there to say? he knows what the problem is, so why even talk at all? I wonder if this “life crisis” he speaks of is due to the relationships he pursued and how he must feel on some level this undoing was all his fault. he was telling two women that he loves them simultaneously. I get so sick thinking about the times he got off the phone with me and whether or not he was actually “going to bed early” or going over to her. I can’t believe the level of deception. of course though I lay awake at night thinking of ways I could have loved him more….things I should have done differently…maybe this wouldn’t have happened….like if i had accepted a job closer to him instead of a couple hours away, maybe that wouldn’t have driven him to this. but why should my career suffer? shouldn’t he have supported all the training I have to go through and be faithful? i said over and over he could always be angry about it but at some point he needed to forgive it since it happened. ahhh…I’m going crazy. I don’t know how to recover. he is in love with someone else, and I am alone with my cat.
Post # 15
@sablemuse: exactly! snooping shouldn’t be a problem because there should be nothing to hide! plus I will add for five years I never cared about girls commenting on anything of his on social media. this girl though…this girl was different. intuition. trust it.
Post # 16
Wow what a piece of sh*t! He’s trash and you are better off without him! I hope you are able to feel that one day. It’s all very fresh, so it’s natural to still be upset.
I noticed you mentioned Valium (prescription drug). If the feeling sticks, don’t forget to get with your doctor for help moving past this.