- 5 years ago
I’m not sure what I am trying to get out of this… I think i just need to let some things out… i’m not sure. I found this website randomly a little over a year ago while helping my MOH plan her wedding and remembered coming across the pregnancy board. I have been lurking for awhile but I just feel like I need to share some of my feelings because it has been hard to do so with those closest to me lately.
I am gong to try really hard to make a long story short. My DH passed away about seven months ago. The pain I felt was indescribable and I was a mess, obviously. I put on a brave face, as I always have, and kept my feelings mostly to myself. I found out I was pregnant a few weeks after his passing. What was supposed to be such an amazing time for a woman really turned into what felt like a lifetime movie for me. On some days I felt incredibly blessed that I had a piece of my husband with me and on other days I couldn’t function because I was so angry at the world for taking him away from me. The worst part was telling people- most people don’t know how to react. Some say congratulations with a scared look on their face others said I’m sorry. I don’t blame them. I wouldn’t know how to react either.
My husband’s brother has really been there for me this whole time even before I found out I was pregnant. I guess we both feel his immediate loss the most as all of his other siblings have spouses and children as distractions (he is divorced) and after awhile people get on with their old life where the both of us are stuck. My husband’s brother was his best friend and we were really close. I guess we have both leaned on each other and it has made the grief part easier but now it’s blurring the lines.
Right after my husband passed he started staying at our house on the couch to make me feel safe. I protested at first but it really was nice to have him there so now he has upgraded to a guest bedroom. Once I found out I was pregnant he would take me to some doctors appointments but wait in the waiting room. Nothing has been said but I feel like he is hoping this will become more and sometimes I feel like we are even flirting. It’s great having him around because some days he knows exacly what to say to take away the pain but I do feel guilty. He does always say that he would be happy to be the “father figure” for the baby but I never know how to respond. In some respects, I am scared because he is just like my husband and I feel like I could (maybe am) fall for him, especially when my emotions are so high. But is this the right thing? I feel like the closer we get the more I move on from my husband and I’m not ready for that and I don’t know if I ever will be. At the same time the last dr’s appointment I had my mom took me, and I was wishing it was his brother instead. I don’t know what to do. I feel so lost. I think I could handle raising a child on my own but I would like my baby to have a father figure. I’m not sure if I am using this as an excuse for me wanting a partner. I really don’t know. Do I talk to him? I am scared if I push him away it will change our relationship and my relationship with his whole family and I want the baby to know them. As my due date is approaching I feel like I want to make a decision on this. I’m sorry if I am a confuisng, rambling mess I have just been waiting so long to get this out.