(Closed) At this rate, Fiance and I are likely to elope rather than deal with his family.

posted 5 years ago in Family
  • poll: Would you invite an estranged sibling to your wedding to avoid drama with other family?
    Yes : (6 votes)
    16 %
    No : (22 votes)
    59 %
    Would depend on reason we're not speaking to them : (9 votes)
    24 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    11234 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2013

    Sorry, but he tried to kill them. So no, sorry, not invited. I don’t give a fuck about etiqutte and “oh you HAVE to invite so and so because blah blah blah.” When it comes down to it, this is YOUR day. I’m sorry, but his parents are delusional. 

    Post # 5
    Member
    2462 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: August 2010

    if you don’t want to elope, don’t–and don’t “punish” the rest of your guests by eloping because his brother is creating so much drama. just remember–you’re not the one putting your fiance in this situation, his parents and brother are.

    Post # 7
    Member
    67 posts
    Worker bee

    Have the wedding you want and invite who you want!  That said you need to be sure the your FI is okay with not having his family there. FIL are clearly letting the brother’s problems run (and ruin) their lives.  

    Post # 8
    Member
    1828 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: December 2013

    Have your dream destinaition wedding and don’t invite the brother. It’s that simple.

    And before thinking that it’s an easy thing to say for someone not in your circumstances…I am. I am having a DW and my sister is definitely NOT invited. My parents (read mother) have said a couple things so far but it’s been mild because I have not shared many of our wedding plans with them for similar reasons to yours (she has tried to take over even BEFORE we were engaged) but I know when I start giving them finalized details that she is going to freak out. Oh well, it’s our wedding not hers and we are paying for it.

    NB: My sister’s live-in alcoholic bf assaulted me and other things when my children and I were living with them (very long story) and she backed him up saying that I caused it…yeah I poured the booze down his throat (full sarcasm intended). She also was verbally abusive and caused problems with my children as well. I haven’t talked to her since I moved away from there and have no intention of changing that. My parents are upset about it and my mother keeps trying to convince me that I should just ‘get over it’ but never ask my sister to because she’s got ‘issues’ and if they ask her she will never come see them again. I have to look after me and my children and not worry about anyone else.

    Post # 10
    Member
    9234 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

    I think you should keep your dream wedding, invite who you want (FI’s family but not the coke-guzzling one), and if they don’t come, fuck em. 

    Although, to be fair to your fiancé, you rally shouldn’t let any of this start a lifelong family feud. I can see cutting off the brother, but I would still be the bigger person and keep the rest of his family on your lives even if they do boycott the wedding.

     

    Post # 12
    Member
    3569 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    When it comes to the brother you are hundred percent right. Your Fi needs to be firm. A lot of time when families have an addict it basically the whole family being sick and not realizing what is normal. I volunteer and work with trouble teens and I seen it all, you can tell parents until they are blue in the face don’t give your kid money, stop bailing them out, when you do these things you might as well be injecting them with drugs. It’s the wrong kind of love and support to give to them, and some families sadly never learn.

    Your Fi can’t control what his family does, but he limit his interactions with them for example next time you go to visit, don’t stay at their home, leave when BIL shows up. Let his family know you cannot put your other guest at in harm and if comes down to it let them know you will call the police if brother shows up. It’s really sad for everyone involved.

    As for the money, sorry his parents are not obligated to pay for anything. Quite frankly I don’t think it’s something that you guys have the right to be angry or bitter about. They worked for their money and they have the right to spend it how they like even if it is bailing coke head brother out. Some parents don’t believe in paying for their children’s wedding, and they feel if you are an adult its your responsibility. I have to agree  with fmil in law on this.

     

    Post # 14
    Member
    1828 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: December 2013

    @Peacockfeather:  LOL  Yeah…as bad as it sounds I think the same. Sometimes it feels better to just know that you are not the only one dealing with all the crap. I would just stand strong…that’s what we’re trying to do…and tell them it’s your wedding and your money so you will do it your way. The only choice they have is whether they attend or not.

    I honestly don’t know what is going to be said by my parents when the final arrangements are done and invites are sent but honestly…I’m not going to let it bother me. Their choices are their choices…they have to do what they think is best. Just the same as my decision to put my sister out of my life has been the best choice for me and my children. It’s not something I wanted to do…it’s something I HAD to do for my own personal wellbeing.

    As a PP said, the family dynamics are messed up and there’s nothing you can do to change/fix that as long as people are enabling the ‘bad’ behavior. The only thing you can change/fix are your own responses.

    Good luck with your wedding planning. Feel free to PM me anytime and we can commiserate together! lol But for now, I have to navigate through Christmas Day tomorrow at my parent’s…might be interesting!

    Post # 15
    Member
    1497 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    If it were an argument, it would be one thing. But good Lord, he tried to kill people! What if he actually did manage to murder someone? Would his parents still be bailing him out?

    Honey, they are not worth it. This is YOUR wedding, you do what you want to do. Have your dream wedding at the resort. Invite the guests you want to invite. You have NO obligation to invite a psycopath. They cannot force you to invite someone, especially someone who has caused your FI harm.

    I understand that your FI may be hurt if his parents do not come, but I think they have already caused him enough hurt, and it may actually be better if they are not there. Does your family know the whole situation? Maybe they can take on a more parental role for him, by showing him that he deserves to be treated with respect and kindess.

    Post # 16
    Member
    872 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    Winston Churchill said, “You have enemies? Good, that means you stood up for something once in your life.” 

    This is exactly what you’re doing, you’re standing up for your fiance, your fiance is standing up for you, and the both of you are protecting your wedding, and wedding guests. Imagine if this guy does come and he trashes the place? Or causes damage in some sort of way, you’ll be stuck paying for that damage, or losing your security deposit!? Do you really want that kind of fear during your wedding day? No bride, no groom, no one should be worried about that. 

    This “man” tried killing his own family! What about that is right? That isn’t okay in the least. We’re not inviting two of my fiance’s brothers because one stole $500,000 from his mom and dad, and the other brother is just plain, flat out evil towards my fiance, but his family still wants us to invite them just because they are family. Family doesn’t do this, normal, healthy families do not try and steal, manipulate or try to kill each other! 

    You’re right, this is your wedding and you have to stand up for it and you are allowed to set your own rules. This is apart of the politics of a wedding and families involved with the wedding. If the mom and dad do not come that is going to hurt, but their prioritizes (sp?) are all out of whack, and if they are going to pick sides then that is something you cannot fix, because if you bend to them this time you will end up bending to them and this psycho for the rest of your lives together, they can either accept and respect your choice, or they can be childish, it is not your job to try and fix their minds, you’re not a therapist or an ambassodor. 

    Maybe they will cool down and will come to the wedding, but you two are not wrong for not inviting him. I understand you don’t want drama, and you don’t want people to be upset, but guess what? Someone is always going to find something to complain about and find something not to like about you. People are going to cause drama wether or not you caused it or not. Sometimes people just suck. 

    My fiance’ had a brother like your fiance’s brother, except he had mental illnesses, and was in and out of jail, on and off of his medications and he harmed himself all the time, he was destructive, he was scary to be around, and the family bent over backwards for this guy no matter what, and when we wouldn’t bend to his childish demands we were looked at like monsters, but in all honesty, we valued our lives to the point where we didn’t want to get hurt by this guy. When his family got burned by the brother, they just kept enabling him, it was horrible. >_< Sadly, he passed away earlier this year because he harmed himself to the point his heart gave out. 

    Keep standing your ground, sometimes people don’t like the truth, and people who stand up for it, but these are the things you gotta do! 

    The topic ‘At this rate, Fiance and I are likely to elope rather than deal with his family.’ is closed to new replies.

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