Post # 1
A little back story, FMIL married a man when FI was 3 who adopted him. They went on to have a daughter together (FSIL); however FI was treated very differently. Because of this his Maternal Grandparents basically raised him, making him very close with them. His grandparents do not approve of his “dad” because of his numerous bad financial decisions that they helped them out of (declared bankruptcy 3 times and just lost their house which FSIL and FI bought back for them).
FI’s family (Mother, Father, Sister and her family, along with his Father’s family of like 50+ people) will not attend our wedding unless we do not invite his maternal grandparents. FI refuses to take sides because he is very close with his grandparents. FSIL is leading this charge and basically said that FI needs to side with them on all family matters (meaning that he needs to hate his grandparents too). On top of that she doesn’t understand why we are having a “real” wedding because he’s 35, I have a child from a past relationship, and we’ve lived together for 5 years already. We’re also selfish because we’re spending a pretty penny for the wedding but can’t help out his parents MORE financially (never mind the fact that he helped buy their house!).
FMIL has no backbone and basically goes along with whatever FSIL says to do. It makes me sick that she doesn’t stand up for her own son and I’m completely flabbergasted that they can’t be adults for one flippin’ day and choose to ignore people they don’t like (and I’m saying this as the child of a divorced couple who refuse to be in the same room together but are graciously sitting next to each other at the wedding because they are there for ME).
How the hell do I tell FSIL that she’s completely off her rocker? This is causing so much stress that we’re considering calling off the wedding (still getting married, just no reception).
Sorry, this turned into a lot more of a rant then I expected…
Post # 3
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
Real advice? Elope and avoid all of the family drama. Otherwise, he will have to pick sides or they will do it for him and then still blame him for it. Sadly, some adults cannot grow up and be mature for a single wedding day.
If you absolutely must continue with the wedding invite them all and let them decide whether they want to attend or not. Make sure they know you want them there and that if they decide not to attend that it’s entirely on them. Keep in mind that all parties may choose not to attend the wedding so I hope you have other guests.
Post # 4
I agree with PP. Eloping can still be beautiful and amazing and it sounds like a wedding at home would end up miserable. I would take your daughter and any other close family members that want to come and go get married!
Post # 5
Refuse to be blackmailed and invite who you want. Tell FMIL and other family members that you refuse to be blackmailed, you will invite who you want, and you won’t force anyone to sit with people they don’t like.
p.s. I can’t condone eloping. That’s punishing everyone else (FI’s maternal grandparents and OP’s family) for FI’s family’s behaviour.
Post # 6
@paula1248: +1. Especially if you guys want to have a nice celebration and reception. If his mother, stepfather and sister won’t come to your wedding because he wants his grandparents there, then it will be their loss, and I guarantee you they will be regretting it eventually.
Post # 7
FI has an aunt who is similarly “banned” from the rest of the family. While I’ve never met her, I’m insisting that she be invitied. Why? I don’t think it’s good karma to start a marriage on other people’s fights.
There’s a chance she might not come, and if she does I’ll make sure she’s seated… very far from the others.
Post # 8
@beachbride1216: Sadly, some adults cannot grow up and be mature for a single wedding day. OMG this is so true. Sad but true. Good advice!
This is a horrible situation OP and I feel really bad for you. The only advice I can think of is to either elope and have a lovely, intimate wedding, or invite who you want: I invited 2 brothers (my cousins) who don’t talk and they both came and we just seated them separately. If people chose not to come then it’s their choice and they’ll miss a lovely wedding. I know the latter is easier said then done, but you will know you’re not in the wrong and it sounds like grandma and grandpa will come.
Er, and what is a “real” wedding according to your FSIL? So FI is 35, you have a child from a past relationship, and you’ve lived together for 5 years already…and? :/ She sounds a bit nasty IMO.
Post # 9
I answered this on your other post. These people sound toxic and your FI needs to decide if he wants them in his life. They have not taken care of him, his grandparents have.
I recommend you stay out of this and let FI do all the talking to his sister.
If I had 50 people trying to hold my guest list hostage I would call their bluff and invite someone else. Between the info here and on your other post, these people truly sound toxic.
Post # 10
Invite who you and FI want and if they don’t attend because his grandparents are going then that is their issue, not yours, his or his grandparents.They need to grow the fuck up.
Also FSIL needs to STFU and stop trying to tell FI and you want to do with YOUR money! If she wants to keep bailing FMIL & FFIL out financially then fine but she and they shouldn’t expect you guys to do it more than FI already has.
Post # 11
Unless eloping is something you both want to do and you don’t feel like you should do it to avoid family drama, I would avoid eloping. Eloping when you really want to have a traditional wedding will build it’s own resentment, so it might be a quick fix to the problem, but it won’t solve it in the long run.
I would just invite everyone (grandparents, mother, stepfather, FSIL) and let them figure their own shit out. If FSIL puts her foot down and refuses to come (or let anyone else come) because the grandparents will be there, then that’s their problem. You remained neutral and did not take sides, so their actions are their own. It sucks, but there is no way you should exclude the grandparents (who seem to love and support your FI) just to appease a bitchy FSIL.