At what point should I stop being irritated or give up….??

posted 3 years ago in Long Distance Relationships
Post # 3
Member
122 posts
Blushing bee

@Sharlene89:  Men love to say that women are rushing things. But honestly, it doesn’t take 3 years for a man to know if he wants to be with you or not. It just doesn’t take that long. He may not be ready for marriage now, but it doesn’t take 3 years to know if you are his wife or not.

 

The fact of the matter is that women have much more to lose then men committing so much into a relationship without commitment. Before I met my SO, I told myself that I am not staying in any relationship that he didn’t bring up marriage in at most, a year. I was 22 when I made myself that promise, and I met my SO at 23, 7 months ago, and a month in the relationship we were talking about marriage. I am still 23, and he is 28. This is because he is looking for his wife, and that is his next step for him, and he saw his wife in me and he wasn’t playing any games.

 

Back to my earlier point, women lose as they get older, while men win as they get older. (I wish I had a better way to put this, I obviously don’t mean this literally). By this I mean, our youth is precious. You are 25 and out of your early 20’s. Before you know it you will be 28 and then 30. What if he decides, when you’re 30, he still needs more time? What if he needs another 2 or 3 years? Bam, you’re 33. Then, he could decide he’s ready, and marry you. Or, he could decide he’s tired of you and wants someone younger. The older you get after a certain point, the less youthful attractive women become (generally speaking, things sag, wrinkles, etc) and the more distinguished and good looking men become. The older women get, the harder it becomes to have children, when men can have children until forever. Everything is geared in favor of men, and I think this is why they do not understand.

 

If he doesn’t bring up the future with you, your future kids, your future home, where you’ll be in ten years… if you guys don’t daydream about all your future possibilities together, it may be that he just doesn’t see you as his future, or he is not ready for marriage at this point. You have an option to either cut your losses now while you’re still young, or hang in there and hope that one of these days (or years) he sees your worth and marries you.

 

I’m sorry if I come off blunt, but I find on the bee that people don’t really keep it 100% real, and I always find it so sad when I read the waiting boards and see women waiting and waiting and practically begging their SO’s to marry them, as if the men are doing women a favor by doing so.Your man should feel like the greatest man on earth when he has you. I wish more women knew that YOU ARE THE PRIZE, not the men. 

 

Post # 4
Member
339 posts
Helper bee

I myself am in a long distance relationship but instead of 3 hour train, I have about 6 hours flying. My SO and I have talked about marraige from about year 1 but didnt have the serious conversation until 1.5 years. We’ve been together since Dec 2011 and by December 2014, if there is no proposal, I am walking. He knows this and I dont see it as added pressure, I see it as being upfront about what I want. That aside, 3 years is plenty of time to decide whether or not you see someone being your wife, you may not be married at that 3 year mark, but you should be at a point, if finances are right, to be thinking about settling down and purchasing a ring. I myself am 25, will be 26 in a couple months and like the PP said, i am closer to 30 than I am to 20. I want to have children at a healthy age, I want to travel the world with my partner, and the longer I wait for for commitment, the shorter the opportunity to actually do this.

I think you need to have a conversation with your SO, not one that he laughs and jokes about, but one about the future of your relationship. Who will be moving? Will the moving occur before you’re engaged? (sometimes LD gives us false positives about where we are at in the relationship because time doesnt always mean growth) Why you think you are ready for marraige. Is he ready for marraige? Does he want to marry you? Is there a timeline? what happens when the time comes and there is no proposal?

Just ask him everything you want to know and if he keeps joking, then he isnt ready for marraige and definitely isnt ready to be in a relationship with you. My SO and i joke around ALOT but when its time for those serious conversations, the ones where he knows I’m not playing, we have them. And i think its time you have yours!!!

Good Luck and keep us update!!

Post # 5
Member
523 posts
Busy bee

@mrsaxachef:  +1

Also long distance. We are closing in on 4 years together and I have to say that if I hadn’t gotten reassurances as early as two years ago that we were headed towards marriage I’d be gone.

It’s time to have a serious conversation about this. No joking, no evading. I think you should be 100% real and lay it all out for him. For a while, my SO was super all about of course we’re going to be together forever but when the practical issues (how long until the ring, marriage etc) came up it got REALLY vague.

Eventually I sat down and explained everything, my past with guys who would never commit, my fear that he was leading me down the garden path, my insecurities. I put it all on the table. He turned around and said without blinking a year and a half for a proposal and the wedding is happening as soon as we figure out when we can finally live together (he moved for school and I am probably moving for school as well).

If he can’t have that conversation at 28 then I don’t think he’ll be ready at 30. All those conversations about how women should live in the ‘now’ rub me the wrong way. That sounds like he doesn’t want to commit. Better to figure that out now then to continue waiting in vain 🙁 best of luck.

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