(Closed) Atonement – from my mother

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
6598 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

I think you are right to go with your gut on this one!

I hope you will get peace with the whole situation soon!

*HUGS*

Post # 5
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

if you really really want to, i suggest you respond to your mother and flat out ask her if she is prepared to say sorry and acknowledge how she hurt you in the past – not specifics but to acknowledge that as a parent, as your parent she failed you

but, i also wouldnt hold too much faith/emotional being in the answer or the future becasue you have to take baby steps for something like this and expect to be disappointed

i think once a person is an adult, they can choose for themselves if someone is worthy/important to be a part of their family or not and sometimes cutting all ties is the best long term decision for their heatlh & well being

i wish you all the best and sending hugs and positive vibes

edit: and my sister cut all ties with our mother almost 15yrs ago and to be honest if i was bothered i would do it also but she hasnt hurt me as much as my sister. i have very little contact with mine because as a person – shes just not someone i like to be involved in

Post # 8
Member
1765 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I’m so sorry to hear this.

I will say that, as hard as it may be, for your sake I would just ignore the email; it seems like you have resigned to do that, but don’t doubt yourself. Look at the mental anguish that just the email has caused–you don’t want that life ever again, and you deserve SO MUCH MORE.

Do you have any other positive female forces in your life, like your FMIL?

Post # 10
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

Wildstyle… i had a c onversation with my brother a while back – we basically were talking about how we both felt our mother romansitised our upbringing because she seemed in total denial to how we felt about it. 

both my parents were alchoholics and verbally abusive, our dad is dead (no great loss there) and my mother still hasnt changed but now she bitches and moans to her friends about how ungrateful and useless her children are.    my thoughts are love and respect has to be earned and she hasnt acted in any way that means i dont really care about her.  if she died tomorrow i would be a bit sad but not overly – shes made her choices and mistakes and this is the price of those choices

you meet people in your life and you can say as an adult you dont like them or what they represent so you can choose not to share your life with them – i see no reason why someone cant do this with a family member, whether they gave birth to you or not

goodluck sweetie – i hope youre ok

edit: oh i will say this, by coming from a less than perfect upbringing we seemed to have made better choices for spouses/careers ect. between the 3 of us siblings we have 50yrs of marriage, no divorces (touch wood) and all of us have done ok so having it tough as a kid does have its benefits i guess – we seem to pick & stick with conviction so i wish you many years of happiness with your FI

 

Post # 12
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

one more point – my very best friend had alot of issues surface in regards to child abuse when she went thru planning her wedding, she was sexually abused as a child/early teen but she didnt talk to anyone about this until it was too late and it did destroy her relationship – she has since had therapy and gone on with her life and is happy and a new mum now

so… if you feel its causing you any issues please speak to someone professionally about it – you have too much to lose by bottling it up

 

Post # 13
Member
256 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I don’t think you should feel guilty for not responding to your mother.  It seems like all she wants is to continue the cycle of abuse.  If she does not realize / recognize what she did to you, I see no reason for you to let her back into your life.  I do believe you should forgive, but so that you can move on, not for her sake.

Post # 14
Member
7976 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Forgiving her and being back in a relationship with her are two totally different things! If you’ve been at peace with it all for years, it sounds to me like you HAVE forgiven her. But that doesn’t mean you have to see her, invite her to your wedding, or anything else.

Have you considered telling her that you have moved on from the past and don’t harbor any resentment towards her, but for the sake of maintaining your own emotional health in the future you don’t think reestablishing the relationship is a wise choice at this time?

Post # 15
Member
1901 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I agree with Miss Paris and Daydream. When you forgive, you do it for your own sake, not the other person. You can’t completely heal from your experience until you can forgive. When you think about it in this way, it may help you decide what to do.

Post # 16
Member
647 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Eloping made some really good points.  *hugs*, what a tough spot to be in.  Do what your gut tells you.

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