Post # 1
Hello everyone! This is a lenthy, complicated story, but I would really love to get some imput from other members of this community regarding my situation.
Recently one of my good friends (of more than 14 years) got engaged! I am so happy for her and her fiance (whom I never met), but she did not ask me to be a bridesmaid, which hurt quite a bit. Granted, we haven’t lived in the same state for many years, but not being asked to be a bridesmaid did hurt my feelings and made me upset.
I was planning to attend her wedding, but now I’m not sure if I can. One reason is that my parents will be staying near me at the same time as her wedding. I should say that my parents aren’t visiting me, but they too live in another state permanately, and for about two weeks they are staying in a town about 2 hours from me. They expect me to go visit them for a few days at least during thier stay. The point is, I don’t think I can manage taking time off to visit my parents and traveling for my friend’s wedding. Also – our 10 year high school reunion, my 5 year college reunion, and another friend’s wedding (out of state, again) are all happening around the same time.
But, If I was made a bridesmaid I would have definitely attended her wedding! Is it wrong that not being a bridesmaid is a key factor in my decision not to attend? It just seems to me like I would have to do a lot of budgeting, and limit my visit with my parents, all so I can attend the wedding of a friend who didn’t think we were close enough to make me one of her bridesmaids.
Thoughts? I just worry that my decision is a selfish one, and I wonder if she will be upset if I don’t attend after I told her I would (before she announced her bridesmaids…)
Post # 2
It’s very wrong of you to be hurt over not being asked to be a bridesmaid. Honestly the variety of reasons you give against attending this wedding are all pretty weak; it really sounds like you’re grasping at any excuse you can find, when it all comes down to being hurt over something that, in the grand scheme of things, is insignificant. You don’t know why your friend has made the choices she has, and it’s not your business anyway. I would say to get over the imaginary insult, go to the wedding and enjoy yourself while you’re there.
PS lifelong friend’s wedding trumps a silly high school reunion anytime, so if you have to drop something from your calendar, the high school reunion should be the first to go. College reunion gets dropped next.
Post # 3
blushinggirl: Your decision is selfish. If the only weddings people attended were the ones in which they were in the wedding party, there would be no one in the pews at the church.
Post # 4
Your friend still thinks highly of you to include you in the guest list. Maybe she is having a small bridal party or doesn’t want to inconvenience you since you’re far away, who knows. At any rate, you have the right to accept or decline the invitation. It would be nice to attend, but if you have time conflicts, you don’t necessarily have to feel obligated to go.
Post # 5
blushinggirl: Decline timely and politely and send her a nice gift. Oh, and stop listing a lot of excuses. It’s obvious you’re not interested in going, so don’t.
Post # 6
Wait…so you’re close enough to her that you feel you should have been made a bridesmaid, but yet you are now ok with skipping her wedding all together? If you really were as close with her as you claim then something as trivial as not being in the bridal party wouldn’t stop you from wanting to support her on her day. You are being selfish.
Post # 8
It sounds a bit selfish to not attend her wedding if you say that you two are really good friends. Maybe the bride wants to keep her bridal party small. There could be various good reasons why you weren’t asked. Even if there isn’t, you don’t have a right to be someone’s bridesmaid.
I don’t think you should go to the wedding, not because you have a valid excuse, but because you don’t want to celebrate the special occassion.
Post # 9
I really appreciate so many of you taking the time to reply. I think a lot of you have confirmed what I was thinking – that I’m being a little bratty, and I should to make the effort to attend my friend’s wedding. <br /><br />However, It does hurt a bit when you think of someone as a close friend, and then you realize maybe that feeling isn’t reciprocated by them. It had me feeling that maybe she doesn’t consider me as good of a friend as I had always considered her – and that feeling does goes deeper than this one instance.
<br />So, with that in mind, I thought: why short-change a visit with my parents, who are traveling specifically to be close to me?<br /><br />Again – I really appeciate your replies!
Post # 10
blushinggirl: I don’t know why you are feeling that she doesn’t consider you a good friend just because you were not asked to be a bridesmaid. I have plenty of close friends who I did not ask to be bridesmaids simply because you can’t include everyone. That said, I don’t think you should attend her wedding because YOU clearly don’t value your friendship with her.
Post # 11
blushinggirl: you have no idea why your friend chose other people for her bridal party. It’s really judgmental and childish to assume it’s because your friendship means less to her than it does to you. For all you know, she specifically chose only locals because it makes planning easier. You need to check your attitude before you lose a friend.
Post # 12
blushinggirl: You are contradicting yourself. In you first post you said “I should say that my parents aren’t visiting me, but they too live in another state permanately, and for about two weeks they are staying in a town about 2 hours from me.” and then in your second postou say “So, with that in mind, I thought: why short-change a visit with my parents, who are traveling specifically to be close to me?”
So which is it? Either this a BS post or you are just trying to find excuses to enact revenge on your friend for not making you a bridesmaid.
Post # 13
- Wedding: A very pretty church.
blushinggirl: You said you would go when you thought you could, now with things the way they are (family coming, all that other stuff, time needed off work etc) you find that you can’t easily do it. Let her know in good time, send a nice gift. All I’ve read into this is that you consider agreeing to be part of the bridal party to be a greater level of commitment than just a friend attending a wedding. Well…it is! I don’t find there to be a huge contradiction in saying “It’s inconvenient so I’ve decided not to go, but if I had promised to be in her bridal party I would do everything I could to be there”, that’s very reasonable.
Is there hurt or petty jealousy hiding behind that reasoning? Only you know *shrug*
Post # 14
blushinggirl: sounds like you’re hurt about not being asked to be a bridesmaid and you’re (secretly) trying to get back at her by finding an excuse not to go. its vengeful and you’re looking for sympathy. if im wrong and that’s not the case, then you should consider not being asked a blessing. there are a lot of responsibilities of BMs and extra events (bridial shower, bachelorette party, rehearsal dinner, dress shopping) would only complicate your already busy schedule.
Post # 15
blushinggirl: You were upset that she didn’t make you a bridesmaid and now you don’t think it would be worth it to even go to her wedding? Your parents are there for 2 weeks, how much time are you realistically going to spend with them during that time?