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You're right. It is not your place to say anything, despite what you may be feeling about it. It's up to you about whether you attend, but remember that you will likely have to answer questions as to why. Boycotting their wedding will not keep them from being married, so you can either choose to celebrate with them or not attend and have to explain to them that you think they're being irresponsible.
1: I've heard sevreal people talk about my future marriage and people have told it will fail because we are young. Me being 22 and him being twenty, but I know beat down in my heart that we will make it with hard work and compromise. With that said though no one has expressed not coming because they don't support me and my fiance, but I do know what it's like for people to think you are going to fail and personally why would someone want people their that are just going to be snickering and waiting or watching for it to fall apart. I would say don't attend not for your benifit, but for theirs. If it's a mistake...than it's their mistake to make no one elses and no one except the too people getting married should have a say in it. Just my opinion
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This is a tough one. I think by attending you are supporting the marriage to a certain extent, especially since often guests are asked by the officiant to support and uphold the married couple. That in itself can be a type of vow. I guess it depends on how close the bride or groom is to you and how important that relationship is, and if you are willing in the future to help that person by giving good advice that will strengthen the marriage.
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I don't think attending means you support the marriage necessarily - it can mean you support and love your friend. Its not your job to assess the union unless you are asked. If it isn't a good friend, then don't go. But you will probably not maintain the friendship if you boycott the wedding.
I second Janna. Whether or not you support the marriage or if you think it will fail or not, you should go out of love and support for your friend on the most important day of their life! If you boycott it, or even mention anything to them that you don't really support the marriage, things will not be the same between you and you friend. If you care about the friend, go to the wedding and just act like it is a big party and enjoy yourself! If you feel that strongly about the marraige failing, make up an excuse to skip the ceremony and just attend the reception.
I third Janna. If you care about maintaining a friendship with either the bride or the groom down the line, go.
He or she will need your support if things go south.
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I second HannahT's post - which fourth's Janna. :D
I've been there - worse, I was in the wedding party. I gave a speach about the "family" rather than the couple and just kept on smiling. They proved me wrong - well they broke up for a bit (trial seperation) but got back together. So you never know.
They cared enough about you to invite you, so be happy for thier happy day I guess.
Good luck.
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I think, as has sort of been covered, whether you attend or don't attend really depends. If you consider yourself good friends with either one of the couple, and you value that friendship at all, you should attend. (The same if you are immediate family, and you value that relationship.) After all, we love and support our friends and family whether they are doing something stupid or not - and when they do something stupid, we maybe try even harder to be there for them, as they are going to need us even more when it falls apart.
A possible exception would be beyond stupid - there are certain people who seem to make the same mistakes over and over, and past a certain point the line between "supporting" them and "enabling" them becomes pretty thin. You don't have any obligation to support a friend, or even a sister, who is clearly going for the third or fourth or fifth time down the path to ruin... although you might keep in mind that even people who repeat their mistakes are often eventually redeemed, and what looks like a mistake to you might be something different altogether.
If your friend is just doing something that you personally think is ill-advised - like marrying young, or marrying someone they haven't known for long - you might just try giving them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe you just don't know enough about them or their relationship to actually predict the future. Plenty of people do things outside the norm, and end up perfectly happy. A choice that you would not make is not necessarily a wrong one.
And if you somehow are invited to a wedding for a more distant relation (for instance, a cousin), or someone who isn't a close friend, and you really don't approve, I would say that you can probably make a polite excuse, send a nice card, and do something else with your time. You really don't have to take a stand - and in this type of case, probably nobody cares what you think anyway, so stating your opinion just makes you unnecessarily unpleasant. But in the case where you don't have a close relationship, and don't approve of the marriage, the right thing to do would be to decline and hope the couple can fill your seats with someone who wishes them well.
I went to a wedding for a couple whose marriage I didn't fully support (for a WHOLE long list of reasons...)
The reason I went was basically that it was one of my best friends' weddings, and I knew it meant a lot to her that I was there. I never said anything to her, because ultimately, it's her mistake to make, and frankly, what do I know? It didn't seem like a good idea to me, and if I were in her shoes, I wouldn't have been at the altar, but the point is it's her life, not mine, and there's a limit to how much judgement I can pass on a relationship I'm not in.
I think basically it comes down to how close you are to the bride/groom, and what it would mean to them if you were there (or if you weren't). I also think it's a different story if you're asked to be in the bridal party... to me, that implies a lot of support on your part. But overall I say go, celebrate, and hope you're wrong abou the relationship. Of course, if you think the relationship is unhealthy in a way that could be abusive, that's a different story and I think you should speak out.
free drinks, free food..it's a party...try to enjoy the occasion and treat it like a party...not a wedding....and who knows, maybe they'll last!
That's a toughie. If it's a friend or relative of yours, and you haven't expressed your concerns up until this point, then unfortunately it may be too late. I don't think anyone gains anything by you sitting the wedding out though. Even if you feel like the match is a mistake, it's not your decision to make, and the best thing to do it just grit your teeth and be supportive. If it truly is a bad match, the parties involved will realize it sooner or later.
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Just remember this. You are not responsible for other people happiness. Therefore, whatever decision they make in regards to their future you have to respect. I had a situation among my group of friends where the groom marries the girl who he cheated on his fiance with. It was really awkward since we all hangout together. In this case, I decided to stay neutral and not attend the wedding. Like you said it's not your place to say anything. If you don't feel comfortable being there then don't put yourself through it.
I've definitely been in that situation ... I went to a vegas wedding and let's just say ... the guy was a convicted criminal and hardcore drug addict. It made me so sad. I wasn't going to go but I was kind of guilted in to it, and it was literally the bride, groom, a friend, and myself (does that put me in the wedding party?) They've since split up for the better. Had to draw the line at signing the license though!! No one could talk her out of it though, and I didn't say anything. A very sad situation.
You don't HAVE to go, of course, but it would probably be nice if you did. Not everyone has similar ideas on what marriage means to them, and I do hope everything works out for the best for you and your friend.
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One of our groomsmen is gay and brought his partner to the wedding. He is a former LDS guy who seperated badly from the church. This was one month from the election and he lives in California, and he knows that both of us and all other guests present support a proposition that I am sure he despises. They came and laughed and smiled and enjoyed themselves, even though they were surrounded by people who don't agree with their views on life.
It means so much to both of us that we were able to have them there. Go and support your friend.
i would agree with cheyenne. It's not about shirking off explanations but seriously i wouldn't want someone that thinks our marriage is going to fail at our wedding. The couple is not only paying for your meal, but they want people who support them around them. So I would decline, and honestly it's not like their response card has a space for an explanation of why you can't attend.
This is a tough one. I actually had to give the speech at my friend's wedding--and it was the same situation. We all knew that the wedding would fail (of course, we tried to be optimistic). In the end, we had to support our friend, not our friend's decision. That was the most difficult part, but in the end, that's what friends do; stick by you when the agree and disagree with your choices.
Good luck!
Your situation may be different, but I was invited to attend a wedding where I thought the marriage was the worst idea ever. It was my best friend too - she was marrying a really bad guy after only dating him for a few months. I initially expressed concern over the speed in which the relationship was moving, but told her she was an adult who could make her own decisions and knew what was best for her. Although I didn't support the marriage, I supported my friend, and I felt that ultimately everything would work out. At the time, when I was wondering whether to attend or not, a coworker of mine gave me this advice: if you tell her you hate him and refuse to attend the wedding, the friendship is ruined and she no longer has you to rely on. If you let her make her own decision, at least you'll be able to be there for her when it falls apart.
As it turns out, they didn't get married because she made the decision that he was a rotten person. However, your friend in the situation (bride or groom) may not realize this until after the wedding, and if you're close to this person, he or she will need a friend to be there when everything falls apart. If you ruin the friendship now by publicly declaring your disapproval, that's one less friend he or she will have to help later on.
I am in agreeance with the other posters... go, have fun, and hope for the best. Of course if you are strongly opposed to the relationship and are not worried about the ramifications of boycotting the wedding, do attend. But know that you may not be able to repair your relationship with your friend if you do that.
Honestly I dont know how you can call yourself a friend if you just grin and bear it. Real friends are honest with one another, care and look out for each other. If she is a close friend I would make sure you have an open discussion with her. Not in an attacking way, but make sure you voice your concerns. A lot of couples know they have problems to begin with, but get married thinking a ring will magically change everything... Less than a year later they're divorced. I wouldn't try to talk them out of it, but if something is eating at you, you should definitely talk to your friend. Let her know that you'll be there for her and support her in whatever way she needs, but your not sure if getting married is the best thing for her, then ask her how she genuinely feels about the situation. What if they do get married and get divorced down the road.. dont you think she'd ask you then why you didnt try to talk some sense into her. As long as your reasons are substantial and not superficial, I would def have a heart to heart with your friend.
Tough one. I went to my 19 year old cousin's wedding 2 years ago and that marriage failed after 3 months so I know where you're coming from. There were enough other people "questioning" the marriage that I didn't feel like I needed to add fuel to the fire. They were going to do it anyway, and they were the ones who had to learn what marriage really meant the hard way.
Let's be realistic - 50% of all marriages end in divorce. It's not pretty, but it's a true statistic. Sometimes people fall out of love, different things happen - people split up. Some people take marriage very seriously and treat it as a covenant - others do not (hello? Liz Taylor!). People have to make their own choices and their own mistakes too. I think you should go, unless you want to bring this issue up with your friend and you might lose a friend.
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I'm in the go and stand by them camp.
Last November my FH was an usher in his buddy's destination/Vegas wedding which ended 2 months later. He knew it probably was going to fail from the start but he still went, supported his friend and did what he could to help them make things work. (A while later he admitted to the bride that he had known all along that it wasn't likely to work and recieved a "why the hell didn't you tell me", but I think that's probably unusual.)
And just two weeks ago he was supposed be a groomsmen for a younger friend of his whose odds weren't very good. Fortunately, the wedding was called off (less than 2 weeks before the day), but we were still going to go and help as we could.
Our fingers are still crossed for his little sister who just got married a month ago...
It depends on the person though. For some people it would feel dishonest to stand up for the marriage when they believe it won't work out. You'll just have to do what feels right to you.
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I have been thinking about the same thing lately. My sister is planning her wedding and I don't approve of the marriage...at least not right now. It's not that I'm against the guy, it's just that there are some rather large issues that I think they should work through first, before getting married. I will not be standing up as a bridesmaid, but I will attend the wedding, to let her know that I will always be there for her no matter what.
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I would try to talk to your friend prior to the wedding, but not in the way others have suggested. The point of your conversation would not be for you to voice your misgivings but rather for her to explore her relationship in more detail, for her benefit. You would want to ask her to address her expectations, the realities of her situation, and whether the realities live up to the expectations. You want her to sift through the evidence that everyone else can see and see if she comes to the same conclusions as many other have. She might not, but you will know that you have done all you can.
The key to getting her to do this is to focus on your support as a friend and whatever you do to not give her unsolicited advice. I'm sure she's heard it all before and would react poorly; it might irreparably harm your friendship. If she doesn't want to talk or gets skittish, back off and respect her boundaries, just as eventually you will probably have to respect her decision, even if it's one you don't agree with. Ultimately all you can do if offer yourself as a sounding board for any misgivings she may be having and suggest areas to discuss (i.e., ask her, have you talked about what are dealbreaker situations for you two? as in, under what circumstances would she contemplate divorce.). That keeps you minding your own business but involves you actively versus passively being her friend.
I posted earlier saying I thought the OP should attend the wedding, but I just wanted to second chelseamorning's excellent advice-- give your friend the opportunity to talk about her upcoming marriage on her own terms. Let her know you're there for her. And ask her how she's feeling and what she's thinking, but don't be leading about it-- let her do the talking!
p.s. I wanted to add that I think after talking with your friend as I described above I think you should go to the wedding to support her too.
I think you can be there to support your friend even if you dont agree with the marriage. Afterall thats what friends do, and whatever the outcome you should be able to be there for her without the 'told you so' attitude. I think you will regret not going. You dont have to be false on the day, just think of it as being there for her.
hope that helps x
Honestly, I couldn't attend a wedding I didn't believe in. Guest attendance means you're supporting the marriage.
I attended the wedding of one of my best friends, having voiced concerns (years before) about her choice of groom. A few weeks later, we both attended the wedding of another mutual friend, and friend #1 had a giant breakdown about how we were all so much happier for friend #2 than we'd been at her wedding. So -- going isn't always the best idea, I guess, if you can't keep the smile on your face sincere enough.
Ok Angel, guest attendance does mean you support the marraige. Not approve of it. You should support your friend and wish them the best regardless. If they wanted your opinion, they would ask for it.
I was told my wedding is doomed and a friend of mine will not attend. That makes me upset with the friend, not evalutate my relationship. If you really want someone to rethink their decision tell them that you will support them either way, but that you have some concerns you hope they'll consider.
I'm in the middle road camp. Is there a way you can have a heart to heart, but preface it with saying "no matter what, I will be here for you and support your decision... but first can i just say..." and then in the nicest most concerned way possible explain your feelings. There is a thin line between concern and judgment ... and many times, outsiders don't see what happens in a relationship behind closed doors... so i think if she genuinely sees the concern, feels the love and knows its only b/c you love her and not judging her... then maybe you can speak your peace and just support her decision...?
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How does everyone feel about attending a wedding you don't believe in? aka: you are almost certain it will fail, they have no idea what they are doing, and it's pretty obvious that think marriage is not a "covenent" but rather a contract they can break. Am I being too judgemental? I don't think its my place to say anything to either of them or to try to talk them out of it, but should I really be there to support their union when I don't believe in it? Note: I am not the only one with these feelings.