Attraction fading? Read me, Please. (Novel status.)

posted 3 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
Member
1582 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@lckishy:  Beautifully said, and as someone that’s gone through exactly what you’re talking about, I really enjoy the empathy and honesty.

Post # 4
Member
2311 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Aww! I am glad it is working out for you honey. And that’s some good advice there.

Post # 5
Member
1036 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@lckishy:  Beautifully written. Your perserverence and love for each other is inspiring and if anything, thats a great thing to hold on to.

Post # 6
Member
336 posts
Helper bee

I wish this was around when I broke off my engagement, due to the exact feelings you’re writing about…

 

Post # 7
Member
5 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I too am having issues, we have been together for over three years, it was love at first sight, absolutely never experienced a love like it before in my life. It was amazing, has been amazing. But recently, I feel a change.

We got engaged 09/01/2012, at that time we had been house hunting, and ended up closing on our home in Jan 2013. Since then, our relationship has changed. He’s working long days, sometimes nights, mostly 6 days, sometime 7 days a week. When he’s not at work, he’s doing work on the house. Which I appreciate, and love him for her. He’s extremely talented with wood work, brick work, anything! He built a deck for our home in the spring, over the summer, he worked on our yard, over the fall he build us a new fire place, and bar for our basement.

But relationship wise….. I feel very alone.

I feel we don’t spend any time together. We never have any intimate time, sometimes for as long as two months, and even at that I have to initiate. Which I have grown to resent him for this, and have spoken to him about. But nothing ever changes.

I should also mention, he had been engaged briefly before, which I’m ok with. We all have our pasts. But what bothers me, when we moved into our new home, I found a ring box, curious, I opened it, and there was a ring. With the center diamond missing. I have added 2 and 2, and concluded, my engagement ring has her stone in it. I hate that. I also seen how much he spent on it, and it bothers me that he didn’t spend a little more. That may sound materialistic, and I know it is. Truth is, I wasn’t feeling like this until last week, his friend who plans to propose on NYE was discussing the ring he is getting for his girl, its valued at more twice mine. My SO’s brother was also there, and they were all looking at my ring, comparing, and turns out, mine is the smallest. I just feel shorted.

My SO does have some debt, and other properties that drains his finances, which is why he has to work so much. I pretty much pay all our bills for our home while he pays his other bills, two rental properties, that I would if he would sell, just the market is horrible. Also, when we bought this house, we ended up owing $30k on taxes, which we are now trying to pay someback monthly, paying $300 a month, but dealing with a monthly penalty from the IRS for $268 per month, how do they really expect to pay that back? It’s just been a really stressful year.

I also hate that he is soooooooo close with this brother. Don’t get me wrong, family is very important to me, but I think its wrong to feel like they are closer than I will ever be to him?

He has habits that bother the crap out of me, talking while his mouth is full, not brushing his teeth before hopping into bed….. Growing a horrible beard….

He just irritates me recently.

I hear that the first year of marraige is the hardest. And I’m wondering, if because we have the house now, and are going through all of these financial adjustments, and stresses, the fact he’s working so much, that if that is why I feel like this? even though we are not married yet, and won’t be until summer 2014?

I love him, we will get through this.

 

 

Post # 8
Member
49 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I have to agree with the OP on everything here. This is great perspective and really well said. I’m on the married side – newly married, at that – so running away wasn’t an option.

For some newly married perspective (espesh for you, @yappygabby:): My husband and I just made it to 9 years since we met, but the last 6 months since we got married have been… difficult. 

There were the two years of wedding planning, (I resented him for not saving as much or working as hard) then the honeymoon planning (I resented him for getting a pimp ass bachelor party that sucked funds out of this), then job changes for us both… it was getting to the point of being more roommates than lovers. It sucked and while we were both worrying about it and aware of it, neither of us could do anything to really change it. 

But we started with some hard conversations, like,… I even lined up a spare room at my best friend’s house it got so bad…, but ultimately we both agreed that we wanted this to work. We knew we had to work for it and we both started trying REALLY hard to make the other a priority.

More importantly, we set aside three or four weekends over the last three months where we have refused to leave the house and just focused on each other. I bought an obscene amount of lingerie, we stayed in and stayed up all night. We got some new toys and some new videos, and basically just got excited about each other again. We both did things that maybe weren’t at the top of our satisfaction lists, but we knew the other needed/craved/had been lacking. (Sorry if that’s TMI but, hey it worked for us). 

We started texting each other teasing photos and loving phrases. He sent me roses. It was like we started dating again.

And now, things are amazing. But daaaaaaamn it took a lot of work and energy to get it back. A lot from BOTH of us. But he saw me putting in the effort and recipocated. I saw him putting in the effort and it encouraged me. And while we haven’t seen most of our friends for the better part of the last two months, we’ve seen more of each other (in a romantic, intimate way) than we have in a year.

So if you can’t run away, think about running even further IN. Just make sure you’re both commited to it. 

Falling in love with him the first time was amazing and EASY. Falling in love with him again, and again and again? Not easy, but even more amazing. 

Post # 9
Member
41 posts
Newbee

Thank you for this. I really needed to see this. It’s been really hard for us lately. We are not engaged yet, and we don’t live together bc we are both trying to pay off our debt. But it really puts a damper on our sex life (or lack thereof :(), we don’t get any privacy at all. He works long hours, he works like 60 hours a week and sometimes weekends as well. I work full time and go to school part time. We’re both exhausted, all the time. I feel like we have both become boring, uninteresting people with nothing to talk about. And it scares the hell out of me. We’re not even married and we don’t even have children yet. It makes me feel like it will only get worse, not to mention the fact that we are surrounded  by so many people who are married with kids and are miserable or seem miserable (mostly our Co workers that we see every day, who are in their forties or fifties.) I feel old. We’re both 26. When we met were so crazy about each other and inseparable, and the sex was awesome and constant… I never felt such a strong attraction to someone the way I did with him… And to have someone who feels just as strongly as I do, is a first. We still love and care about each other. But its dull now. Life in general, for both of us is dull. I have struggled with depression and I do feel that is part of it. I’ve been depressed for over a year. I just really want this year to be different. We love each other but I do feel like we take each other for granted. We’ve both stopped trying bc we are both comfortable and exhausted and busy. But we don’t even hang out with our friends as often or do fun things for ourselves. Reading this really helped me to feel better. It showed me that love isn’t always going to be effortless. No matter how exhausted we may feel, we have to keep trying and we shouldn’t stop pursuing each other just bc we already have each other. 

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