Aunt telling family she's coming to my wedding even if not invited?!?

posted 3 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
866 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@cdenise89:  If it would bother you that much for her to come, I would confront her about what you have heard and explain to her why she is not invited.  That should take care of it.  If you are worried that it won’t, you can hire some security and tell people they have to bring their invitations in order to be admitted.  That is probably the only way to keep her from coming unless you are ok with making a scene and telling her top leave at your wedding.  It is time to weigh what is really important here.  Tickets to the wedding and no aunt or a casual atmosphere with a possible party crasher.

Or, you could try the passive aggressive path and make sure there is only enough seating and food for the invited guest but, if she is the kind of person to come uninvited, something tells me she is also the type of person to get a seat and some food.

It all depends on how far you are willing to take this and just how much you really don’t want her there.

 

Post # 4
Member
484 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@cdenise89:  does she know where/when the wedding is? Someone would have to give her the info to show up… maybe just pass the message not to tell?

Post # 5
Member
1470 posts
Bumble bee

@cdenise89:  You said your aunt’s sister…I don’t understand…is this your mother’s sister? or your dad’s? Or your aunt-in-law’s sister?

Either way…I’d get my mother to call her and explain to her that the guest list is really small and unfortunately you all had to make some tight cuts.

Post # 8
Member
6859 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I completely understand that you have a different relationship with your two aunts, but in my experience it can  cause hard feelings in a family when lines are not drawn the same way.  For example, it’s a lot easier to say, we are keeping this to parents, siblings and grandparents only, than to play favorites among the cousins.  At my wedding there were, in fact,  a few cousins we would not have invited if it wasn’t for the feelings of the  grandparents, aunts and uncles.  

If this aunt wants to be there so badly, only you can decide if it’s a battle worth fighting.

Post # 9
Member
1327 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

Uhg, what a b*tch.  The worst part is I don’t know what you can really do about it.  The best thing would be make sure everyone in the family is aware of the situation, and they are not to tell her the date or location.  Even then it sounds like she’ll find out.

Unless you want to hire security, and let her make a scene when she gets kicked out, the other thing I would do is not have any extra chairs.  If she shows up just basically ignore her, don’t try to accomodate her, and if she really wants to be there she can look like an idiot and sit on the floor.  It’s petty and passive aggressive but that’s what I would do (because I’m a petty bitch lol).

Post # 10
Member
1470 posts
Bumble bee

@cdenise89:  Gotcha! Is there any way you can talk to your “good aunt” and ask her to just explain to her sister that this isn’t the occasion to bust up?

Post # 11
Member
3249 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@cdenise89:  She is being completey rude, and disrespectful.  It will be even more so if she follows through.  With that said, your friends/family are right – if she does show up, be gracious, and magnanimous.  Make a big display about getting her a chair and a place setting, and making sure she is comfortable, and not feeling cramped.  It’s a small wedding with only very close people invited, so they will all know what’s going on.  You come off smelling like a rose garden, while she comes out smelling like a farm.  You will only spend 5 minutes talking to her; we had the owner of our venue (a) dressed in jeans and an untucked shirt, with the sleeves bunched up, and second button undone to our black tie and/or period attire preferred reception, and (b) his partner showed up at the end of the night in a plaid flannel shirt.  It was ok.  It was still a wonderful, wonderful day.

 

Post # 12
Member
1269 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

@Duncan:  The owner of your venue and his partner seriously saw it fit to eschew period attire in favor of common flannel at your reception? There aren’t enough strands of pearls in the world for me to clutch right now!

Post # 13
Member
4819 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I would explain that to my venue that all guests should be on the guestlist and names at the door should be checked. Anyone not on it don’t get in. Period.

Post # 14
Member
3249 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@vmec:  This depends on your type of venue, and you would have to realize that refusing someone entry – someone who thinks they are entitled to enter – IS going to cause a scene.  Yes, her company may be intolerable, and her rude behaviour even more so, but I think it is better to look back on the day and go “that was weird that she came; pretty rude” than “oh my God, that whole ordeal with her was awful and almost ruined the reception.”

Post # 15
Member
3249 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@starla:  Well, the second guy was probably thinking “I’m just stopping in at the very end for five minutes” and, as for the guy who we dealt with throughout, I think they’re the most formal clothes he owns.  He normally comes to work in plunging v-neck t-shirts, baggy shorts and flip flops, so closed toed shoes, long pants, and long sleeves is a big step up for him.  He was an absolute pain to deal with the entire time.  But the band was amazing, so that’s ok.

Post # 16
Member
1535 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I’d bring along a fold up table with a pb&j sandwhich just for her if she shows up

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