Post # 1
Me and my partner are both working however I am currently on maternity leave after having my daughter and have a five year old. My auntie has a habit of calling upon us without contacting us first. Half the time she will just walk in the house if the door is unlocked. It always seems at inconvenient times like tea time. One time she stood over us in our small kitchen at our old house whilst we were having our tea and keep distracting my 5year old from eating. I had to tell her to have a sit in the living room as we felt completely uncomfortable. We had both been at work all day and were wanting our tea in peace.
She will try to stay for long periods of time as she lives on her own and is lonely. Normally my mam stays 20minutes max and calls first. Its very difficult as sometimes you want to relax and wine down on a evening or im busy getting the kids bathed and ready for bed.
The other day I was in bed as I had been up with my newborn during the night and was catching up on some much needed sleep. my partner had taken my baby out. My auntie arrived unexpected at my house and tried the door. She was knocking and got no answer,she then starting going wild banging on the front room room windows and the door for 15 minutes straight. I refused to answer the door as she had woke me up I wasnt very well and I was annoyed with her behaviour.
She had bought something for the baby and my son but I didnt see them harm in ringing first. Shes extremely over sensitive and you can even say anything to her.i told her I was asleep and her attitude was I could of answered the door but she could of picked the phone up and rung first. She doesnt have children of her own and has never married.
Advice would greatly be appreciated.
Post # 3
@mandy86: Even if she is extremely sensitive, I think that you need to sit her down and tell her (nicely) that she really needs to ring before she comes over. I would stress “we love having you come over, etc.” but since we have two young kids, we really need to know about visitors prior to their arrival so it doesnt disrupt the baby napping, our schedule, etc.
She may be a little upset or hurt, but it’s just rude. She will get over it and hopefully follow the rules. I would also stop answering the door when she comes over unexpectedly (like you did when she woke you up).
And- keep the door locked always!
Post # 4
I don’t think there is a sensitive way to deal with people who are so insensitive. However, you could start by being politely insistent about her needing to let you know before she calls round. Anyone with any sense knows that you don’t just fetch up at the house of anyone with a new baby but clearly, your aunt does not have a well developed sense of the appropriate and seems to lack social skills.
So you have to say that you may well not be able to answer the door if she just arrives because you might well be resting or dealing with the baby, or needing some quiet time. If she phones first then you can arrange a mutually convenient time but you cannot cope with unexpected arrivals.
If she’s over-sensitive then sure, she might well get huffy. But it might well be that coping with her in a huff is a deal easier than coping with her unwanted and unexpected arrivals. So I think you’ll have to be firm and lay down some ground rules.
Post # 5
If she’s that lonely, perhaps you could visit her sometimes so she doesn’t feel the urge to drop in on you? if you’re feeling really devious, preferably do it past her bedtime unannounced. I’d also recommend asking an older relative for help in talking to her – I’m assuming one of your parents is her sibling, so perhaps ask them.
FWIW, I think ignoring her was a good way for you to stand your ground with her. If at one point she shows up at an inopportune time, just let her know you can’t talk right now, and you’re happy to hang out some other time if she calls first.
Post # 6
@weatherbug: ive told her before, my mam has but she does what she wants. The annoying thing is when she got no answer she starting ringing my mobile I dont know why she couldn’t do it first place. It was lovely of her to get the kids something and is she extremely kind hearted. However because she does live on her own she doesnt know what its like to live with someone or busy raising children whilst trying to work. Half the time get in from work start tea, tidy up and do some washing before my partner comes in from work. It can be very tiring so to then have to entertain guest on top of that is abit much. My mam will stay for a cuppa and then leaves as she knows ive got stuff to do.
Unfortunately my auntie my mams sister sees this as a personal attack. My partner is starting to get really annoyed as his family and the rest of mine contact us first prior to visiting. We could be doing anything. I try to make sure I lock the door.however on the odd occassion I have forgotten.
The length of time shes stayes has been another issue calling late on an evening when im trying to get my 5year old to bed.
Post # 7
You’ll need to keep telling her then until she gets the message. Only somehow you have to break this pattern or put up with it. However, she does sound like a lonely person who needs company so I wonder if it would help to arrange convenient times for her to visit? This might break the dropping-in habit but would still give her something to look forwards to so far as seeing you.
Post # 8
@Steampunkbride: she does have very poor social skills and can put her foot in things. Sometimes she can be extremely embrassing e.g telling other peoples children off. She is very selfish at times and can almost expect the red carpet when she arrives. I felt ive had to feed her and decreased the portions of food. My partner was not pleased as he expected a good sized meal after a hard days work.
@abirdword: I dont drive and she lives in another town and would be difficult to get to with two children. Majority of the time shes out and about and visits people to past the time. Sometimes my mam says I pick on her and other times she understands what I mean but I know my mam wouldnt be happy if she woke her up. My auntie always says shes depressed however she choose not to get married and have kids.
Post # 9
@mandy86: I see her being over sensitive as an advantage. Tell her she is rude and to call first or you will not answer the door. Hopefully she’ll be so offended she will stop calling altogether.
Post # 10
It doesn’t seem like there will be a nice way to tell your aunt not to visit you without calling first. I would make sure the doors are always locked and the curtains are closed anytime you think you should be expecting a visit from your aunt. I wouldn’t answer the door for her, and if she becomes upset and calls you I would simply tell her that you aren’t home, and if she had called first you would’ve been able to tell her that and save her the trouble of traveling to your home.
I would also perhaps try establishing a day of the week and times that you are able to host her that is convienent for you and your family. Give her ONE day per week and maybe an hour if you can handle her for that long. If she tries to stay more than the amount of time you told her she could I would make up something that you have to do to get her to leave. This may not work though since you did mention that you don’t drive, so it would probably be hard to say you were going somewhere unless you are living within walking distance of shops or doctor’s offices.
It seems harsh, but my parents had the same issue with my mom’s uncle coming over constantly unannounced. We eventually started ignoring his knocking on the door, and he got the point that he needs to call before he comes over.
Post # 11
Sensitive or not, it’s time to tell her she cannot stop over unannounced anymore. I would make a habit of not answering the door, even if you are home, if she continues to come by unannounced.
Post # 12
@MexiPino: I dont want to hurt my auntie. shes been extremely supportuve over the years and ive grown up with her. I wouldnt want to hurt her feelings. We just wanting some warning first and for her not to spend hours at my house. It can be a little over bearing.
Post # 13
Its hard I spoke to my mam her sister before about this and I think she had a word although she initally took offense at me requesting she called first.my parents can be a little funny and can take offense to things but thats another thread lol
.Previously we have ignored the door but the amount of force she used was ridiculous i was actually furious. I dont drive but my partner does and works late but she could see the car on the drive. I dont want her to stay away just call first.I dont think im asking much. We have a life together too and trying to raise a family. Sometimes when she does come round she trys telling me what to do with the kids even though she hasnt had children herself which annoys me. My eldest child tends to be naughty as she panders to him.
Post # 14
Ugh she sounds overbearing and just no fun.
I would just continue with maintaining the boundary.
Seriously if she doesn’t call first just DON’T answer the door. If you do that consistently she will just give up eventually. Surely any person would get bored banging on someone’s door for 15 minutes after a few times.
And just be honest. “I’m sorry Aunt but I am trying to get (son) to bed now. I am really busy. Why don’t we schedule a visit at (x) time?” and “I’m sorry Aunt but (husband) has had a long day and this is not a good time to visit.” DO NOT LET HER IN.