Post # 1
Pretty much everyone on here is in a serious relationship regardless of your waiting, engaged, married status.
So how do you make sure to avoid inappropriate situations? And what do you consider inappropriate?
Since I am a career woman in a male dominated industry, I have come across several situations I had to turn down that I was conflicted about in order to ‘honor’ my FI. For example, when I was interviewing for jobs, a potential new employer (male) asked me to drinks after work for the interview. Sounds fishy, but totally normal in my industry as it is so hard to keep interviews with competitors a secret. I still got the job offer, but ended up turning it down for something better. But the point is I didn’t feel comfortable going to drinks just the two of us since I am in a serious relationship.
Am I crazy to think this way? Anyone else careful about these things?
Post # 3
The best advice I can give is reverse the situation. Anytime you are questioning the morality or something put your husband in your place. Would you want him getting drinks with a woman, work related or not. That’s what I do when Im in a buckle and it always feels like the right thing to do. Good luck. : )
Post # 4
you arent crazy. I work in finance on wall street, so Im with ya on the whole male dominated industry thing. Things like this arise often in my line of work. I just made it known that I was in a serious relationship. I wore a really nice fake engagement ring AT ALL TIMES. And I am very agressive and type A, so when someone does/asks/says anything inappropriate, they arent shocked to get a snide or sharp comment from me. Now, there are times when I will go to drinks with clients or coworkers, just the two of us, but more often than not it is someone who my husband has met or it will be immediately after work and I am home by the time husband gets home. Its a fine line, but stand your ground and just make it known that you are unavailable. ITs part of your job and industry, its to be expected. But you are an adult, and just because there are only two of you doesnt mean that it is inappropriate
As for what I consider inappropriate, I consider touching/flirting/some comments to be inappropriate. Drinks, dinners, and entertaining come with the industry
Post # 5
I don’t consider that an “inappropriate” situation by any means. I work in an all-male field also and it’s very much the norm to do drinks after an interview or something of that nature. I go out to dinner with men for work and stuff like that. It’s just business. Now if he was flirty with me, a) that’d be gross cuz i’m 23 and likely they are 50+ and b) i’d put a stop to it. It’s also sort of obvious I’m married.
My husband understands that I work in a male-dominated field. I don’t see him ever being threatened by me opting for drinks with coworkers (i go out to lunch with them, too) or feeling like I didn’t respect him. Maybe I don’t understand the concept of “honoring” him when this is MY job and he’s aware of the tags that come along with it.
If the situation was reversed, I’d be miffed. I’d be like, “dude why didn’t you go?” and if he gave me a line about respecting me and honoring the fact he has a wife, I’d probably just be like, “um, whatever, that could have been a job and if you can’t appropriately interact with female coworkers, they probably won’t want you”.
Lucky you you still got the offer! But stuff like that is a dealbreaker. They want to know you can have a one-on-one interaction with a member of the opposite sex (particularly in male dominated fields if you’re a woman) and handle yourself appropriatlely, not fall back on the husband card.
Post # 6
I’d probably hesitate if it wasn’t work related. Like a male coworker wanted to go out regularly for a drink just the two of us. But for a job interview or other things for my job I wouldn’t have a problem when he goes and I don’t have a problem going.
They all know I’m in a relationship so it’s not been a problem because like ejs said they’re usually much older. But as I’ve gotten to my late 20’s older men have been more forward, it was like I turned 27 and all of a sudden gray haired men decided I was old enough. Anyways that was a side rant, it usually doesn’t happen. And most often advances are done slightly subtly at first and so that crap is just cut off immediately, there’s no semi-flirtation. Not that I’m mean, I can shoot the shit about a lot of things other than sex or anything flirtatious, so the topic is rapidly and some times pointedly changed.
Post # 7
I can understand but I do no think that simply going to drinks if work related is innappropriate. I think there is a line that once in a serious relationship you have to consider how the other person would feel.
Post # 8
I didn’t think it was innapropriate until I read Blondie’s answer and then a spark inside me changed my mind. LOL I forget to turn the tables sometimes but really, there are ‘harmless’ happenings that can really be bothersome and hurtful!
Post # 9
I always do the “reverse the situation” thing as well. In this situation, I don’t see it at all as inappropriate, and if my husband said he got drinks after an interview because it was work-related, I wouldn’t be miffed in the slightest. I also agree with ejs that it was probably some sort of test to see how you handle yourself in social situations, which is often important in many careers.
I think there’s a fine line between inappropriate, and not being able to do certain things just because you’re in a serious relationship/married.
Now, if this guy had started flirting with you, that’s a completely different story.
Post # 10
I would not have turned down drinks following a job interview. It seems like it was a professional get to know you before I know if I can work with you situation, not a date. For me, the line is in the action/conversation. When there is alcohol involved I think it is important to keep your guard up but also often harmless to drink with male colleagues at a work event. I used to work in the corporate travel industry which is suprisingly male dominated but my company was mostly female. There would often be cocktail receptions and people would stay after the reception ended and continue conversations. Only once did I have an issue when one of the guys from another company (out of my region, I only met him that night) happened to have a room on the same floor as me. My other colleagues got off the elevator and he and I were left to get off on the next level (when I realized our rooms were closeby). As I came to my room first I said goodby and he leaned in to kiss me OUT OF NOWHERE. He was significantly older than me and we didn’t even have any one on one conversations, mostly he was talking to my boss all night so I didn’t see that coming at all. I ducked out and went into my room and quickly locked the door because it creeped me out. I’ve never had any other incidents that I would consider close to line crossing.
Post # 11
My FI and I definitely use the “reverse it” rule as well. Now he is a little more possessive than me so he has to really look at the reasons why he would object to me doing something to make sure he really feels its inappropriate or he is just being overly possessive =) I have gone to lunch, dinners, and drinks with male co-workers and vendors and it hasn’t been an issue. He has done the same with female co-workers. We know the boundaries.
Post # 12
I work in a male dominated office, so I’ve been out with male coworkers by myself several times. I also used to teach businessmen, so sometimes I had to go drinking with them. I don’t see any problem with this, nor do I have a problem with FI going out for drinks with his female friends (he has 0 female coworkers). I think as long as the people we are out with know that we are in engaged, it’s not a problem. However, if I were to find myself trying to hide or downplay that part of my life, or if I found out he had done so, that would be the start of a slippery slope. My moral compass has always been this: If I feel the need to hide something, I probably shouldn’t be doing it.
Post # 13
I also work on Wall St, so most of my coworkers are men. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with one-on-one drinks with a guy, and I wouldn’t mind if FI had to do something like this with a girl. Now if it starts happening weekly, it gets into inappropriate territory, but if you turn down one offer, especially while interviewing, I think it doesn’t send the best message about you as a professional.
One of my coworkers was just talking about a business trip to Vegas, during which they hired strippers for all the guys, and one personal male stripper for her so she wouldn’t feel left out 🙂 She did not enjoy the male stripper but she definitely didn’t make a big deal about it. It just comes with the territory if you work in finance!
Post # 14
I am so glad to get all these different opinions! The problem is, it’s not always an easy answer as I feel conflicted turning down drinks or lunch as it may have a positive impact on my career, but then I imagine FI going alone with another female (work or not) and it makes me a little uncomfortable. I’m also very conservative, so I do get sensitive about my actions towards other men. Let’s face it, even when you’re wearing a ring or they know your SO personally, it doesn’t stop them from flirting and I’m just not okay with that.
BTW – the intervew was drinks, it wasn’t drinks after the interview. Since it was a competitor, it had to be after work. Totally normal in my industry.