- 5 years ago
I’m a regular poster under another name. . . feeling like my regular username leaves me too open to discovery by people I know IRL. This is going to be long. . .
I have a problem. My SO and I have never been invited to my parents’ place for a holiday, and it really really bothers me. The reason for this is that my mother hates my SO for very irrational reasons (she cannot deal with a harmless activity of his– [ETA: it’s shooting paper and metal targets] which I, and 99% of other people, have no problem with). There have been all kinds of attempts on my part and my SO’s part to help my parents, especially my mother, feel less hostile towards him (my father I think likes my SO generally, but feels he has to support my mother in her extremely irrational non-acceptance of my SO). But it doesn’t seem like any of our struggles with the situation have worked, since my mother still is unable to get past the one thing about my SO, and insists on believing that one activity determines who the whole person is (which is SO NOT TRUE!).
Basically this has translated to me frequently going to holdays at my parents’ house alone, in the almost 4 years I’ve been with him, in order to avoid super-drama. He has gone to my extended family’s events since the beginning, and that’s great and everyone else loves him, but my parents won’t have him at their house for smaller family holiday things. But, last year I refused to go to my parents’ Thanksgiving if they wouldn’t invite my SO as well. They didn’t invite him and I didn’t go, and it sucked.
I would like to be able to celebrate hoidays with my parents and my SO and have everything be OK. I have explained to my parents numerous times that they need to try and accept my choice of partner, but because of the one issue my mom can’t deal with and/or ignore, she won’t just realize that there’s so much more to him– he’s an interesting and very amiable and personable guy with a lot of things in common with my parents, and I think IF she bothered to get to know him, she’d like him– or at least, be nicer to me about him.
I don’t want a repeat of last year’s holiday awkwardness this year. My SO was insulted about all of it (as well he should be), my mother and I get super stressed and upset at each other whenever holidays come up, and I think it’s completely wrong to have to abandon my SO to spend a holiday with my parents. He and I are a unit, and we should be able to celebrate holidays with my family as such.
I am thinking about how to try to ensure that he and I are able to celebrate a holiday with my family this year and in the future, because this all feels so wrong. Obviously I can’t force us on my parents if they REALLY don’t want to have anything to do with my SO, but they know how I feel and I think they want to do the right thing. . . my mother’s hangups just make that almost impossible. I’m thinking I’m going to write them a note that says something like: “I would really love to be able to celebrate [holiday] with you and my SO this year. I think it would help us all toward being happier and more normal towards each other. I also need you to know that my SO and I are a committed unit, and it isn’t right to expect me to always leave him behind on holidays. I would like nothing better than to be able to happily share a holiday with my family and my SO, and I believe it is possible for us. It makes me sad that so far this hasn’t happened, and I would be very happy if I felt that from now on it would be OK for us to share special times. Please consider this– I think it would help all of us.”
OK, so, what do you think? Of what I should do? Of that note?
Please help! I need to try and have the holidays for my family (including my SO) be less awful!
Thank you. . .
(Please don’t tell me that I need to put my parents aside since they are behaving badly/not accepting of my partner; I’ve tried and tried and tried that method and I’m not happy with it. Aaaand we can’t really invite them to our house, because we have 2 cats and my father is extremely allergic to cats– even if he takes his allergy meds. Thanks!)