Post # 1
I finally got to have a conversation with SO’s older sister yesterday, after only meeting her very briefly a couple of times before. I was really excited to get to know her, as she has always seemed very nice and SO speaks highly of her.
Her husband and SO were hanging out in the living room and we were chatting in the kitchen. She has small children and we got on the topic of babies and whether or not I ever wanted a family. I explained to her that eventually I did and that SO knows that, then I whipped out my phone and showed her pictures of my dog, who I consider my child… lol.
After that things kind of got awkward when she told me that it is her “dream” that her brother settle down… but she absolutely cannot picture it. (He has been basically single…always… maybe a few casual flings in his 32 years.) She continued on saying that she thinks he is too selfish to ever settle down and that she feels for me and thinks that if I want that I should pursue it elsewhere. Ouch!
When we left I told SO what she said. He got really aggravated that she said it and told me not to listen to her. He is flighty sometimes, I can admit that…and to an extent he is set in his ways… but he certainly has NOT behaved like a commitment phobe toward me. He prioritizes our relationship and talks about the future with me.
It was kind of a slap in the face to hear those things from her… although I can appreciate her honesty. I wish I had asked her more questions about why she feels that way but of course I didn’t and now my opportunity has passed!
Now he is pissed off at her and I feel guilty that I told him what she said, along with confused as to why she said it.
Bees, if your SO’s sibling who you barely know was saying things like that to you, how would you have responded? And would you have told SO?
Post # 2
hmmm, i have no similar stories to that, but personally I would have been speechless for a second, saying that i should look elsewhere for marriage!!??? That would royally piss me off, my SOs brother could have definately said something like that ages ago, because my SO was a bit of a casual/friend banger.
But I guess I would say well maybe you and your brother should have a talk because I’m pretty sure his views have changed since you both last had a conversation on that topic.
Damnit! I hate the hindsight when you coulda said so many things!!!
I definately woulda told SO bee, I’ve told him stuff his Moms said to me that were out of the blue or disrespectful, and he has every right to be mad at his Sister for saying those disrespectful things to you!!!!!!!
Pretty not nice of her to say how ‘selfish’ he is too.
Post # 3
Anna113619: I think she really over stepped her boundries on this one by A LOT. My now husband would have been the same type of guy. Never really had serious relationships, always flings and no one he brought around much. Until we met. Our relationship was so radically different than anything he had ever had before, and now we are married with a baby on the way.
I most definitly would have told my SO what she said because this is your relationship and you need to be on the same page. If it were me, and I was keeping that to myself, it would negatively impact the relationship. I’m really shocked his sister of all people would be saying shit like that. Its something i would have expected from a ex, or friend of his who has feelings.
Post # 4
Anna113619: yes, but I’d take it with a grain of salt. Every relationship is different.
why not bring it up to her another time And ask her?
she’s working from different information than you are, so hopefully it’s from a well meaning place that just came out wrong.
Fwiw, a girlfriend of mine recently got married and Someone referred to her as (her DH)’s wife. It was clear that I didnt know who (her DH)’s wife was, even though I helped her buy her wedding dress, went to their wedding and hang out with them both regularly.
Point is, they are an amazing couple, I can’t think of anyone better for her but I can’t imagine her as his wife. that identity is still being integrated into my mental model of who she is.
It doesn’t make them any less married or in love. Maybe his sister has some cognitive dissonance issues.
Post # 5
- Wedding: September 2014 - Sunset Hills Country Club
Well, I am kind of on the fence. Obviously you know your SO and know how is with you, but at the same time his sister may have insight on him that you don’t know. I don’t suggest going to her for relationship advice. I wouldn’t think too much on it, honestly, his sister is going on past behaviors, and people change. You could be the one, and he may have decided he isn’t going anywhere. I hope you two prove his sister wrong.
Post # 6
Anna113619: I think it’s weird she said it, but it’s not really that weird that she might think that. He’s 32 and never setlled down, that’s not that unusual. I know quite a few guys who don’t stay with people for the sake of it. If they’re not feeling the relationship, they end it. This results in a string of ‘flings’ or short term relationships. If you FI isn’t that close with his sister she probably doesn’t know WHY the past relationships haven’t worked, just that they haven’t. She’s probably assuming he’s a committment-phobe and not that he’s just waiting for Miss right (YOU!)
Post # 7
When my DH and I had been dating for 8 months or so I went out for a coffee with his sister. I had met her once or twice and I really wanted to get to know her better. At that time we weren’t engaged and had only spoken briefly about marriage in the future. His sister said to me that in a way she couldn’t see her brother getting married…she wasn’t being malicious or unkind but she was basing it off what she knows him to be like…very quiet and private, only a couple of girlfriends. She wasn’t saying that she thought he would never get married, just at that time she couldn’t see it. She did say at the same time that if he ever did get married that he would be an amazing husband. So she was wrong on one account and right on the other! 😀
Post # 8
Anna113619: I think she was just trying to give you a friendly warning on his past behaviours. It probably means that she likes and respects you because I doubt she would take the time to say that to someone she didn’t like. If she didn’t like you she would have said things about you behind your back.
I think she took it as a chance to try and forewarn you so that just incase he reverts to his old behaviours you weren’t blindsided.
Sometimes when somone tells you things you don’t want to hear or won’t like it is out of corncern and not malice.
Post # 9
Definitely I would have told him, and then ignored it. Siblings don’t know each other that well all the time, and they may have a perception that lingers from when they were kids that isn’t accurate anymore. She may also be feeling jealous because she likes being the stable, secure sibling and to see her brother starting to settle down too makes her feel insecure. You never know.
Post # 10
I wouldn’t know what to think of that in terms of what kind of person the sister is, but insofar as you and your SO go, her perception of him and your relationship is irrelevant. If you are convinced that he’s committed to you and envisions the same kind of future as you do, then that’s all you need.