Post # 1
I’m going to be in a wedding next year and the bride (one of my close friends) has told me an idea her mother had that she agrees with. Now, this plan is not proper etiquette and I know this.
They want to invite more people to the ceremony than the reception. They want to have a huge ceremony and then have a huge awkward gap between ceremony and dinner so that people don’t “expect” to be invited to dinner or something. They would send out separate invites for people that were invited to the reception.
I’m not sure what to do! I know this is TERRIBLE etiquette, but I’m not sure how exactly to TELL her this when she is so… well. She believes that everything will always go her way. What would you do? Say something and risk being “that bridesmaid” or say nothing and risk them being looked at as cheap or rude, though it isn’t really my problem.
Post # 3
I probably wouldn’t say anything. Even though I think thats a terrible way to go about things I would just let her make her own wedding decisions.
Post # 4
Ehhh… yeah that’s awkward. But, I would honestly not really say anything unless she specifically asks what your opinion is. It’s not going to reflect on you, and I wouldn’t run the risk of making her upset by stating your opinion if it’s not asked for, ya know?
If she does ask, I would definitely say that you have heard that isn’t good wedding etiquette anymore, and they might offend some of their guests by not inviting them to both. And, there will DEFINITELY be some party crashers, whether intentional or unintentional… then after that, just let it alone, there’s only so much you can do!
Good luck! 🙂
Post # 5
@AmeliaBedelia: It depends on how close you are to her, and if you think she’d be receptive to what you have to say. What does your gut tell you?
If it were one of my close friends I would probably say- “Hey, just throwing a suggestion your way, you of course can ignore if you wish, but…etc etc.” I think if you worded it in a nice way, and as a suggestion rather than a criticism…would she really get angry?
Post # 6
@PuntaCanaBride: &@piglet_625: Yeah that’s sort of what I’m leaning towards. I know I for one was not into unwanted opinions, though none of them were etiquette-based. I think leaving it alone unless asked is what I’ll do, though I am sort of embarassed for her.
@Evie19: We’re what I would call semi-close. It’s an old college roommate. I’m not sure if she would be receptive simply because she has the support of her mom and her FI. I think for now, I’ll leave it alone. It won’t be until next summer. If she asks me specifically or says something that would imply advice was okay then I will definitely do a little “Well, that may be confusing for your guests, and how do you choose…”
:/ Meh. I hate awkwardness. Lol.
Post # 7
@AmeliaBedelia: Yeah, I hear ya. If she probably wouldn’t be receptive there is no point. And if you aren’t super close, it could definitely be akward. I hope she sees the light by herself, thats a big faux-pas!
Post # 8
Maybe you could anonymously mail her a photocopy of Miss Manners or Emily Post freaking out at the prospect. 😉
Post # 9
@mightywombat: Haha. I have a copy. I could just happen to have it with me one day while trying on dresses or whatever. :p
Post # 10
I was invited to just the ceremony of a friend’s wedding, but it was because they couldn’t afford to have everyone come to the reception. She’s from a large Italian family and profusely apologized for not being able to invite me, but she was being forced to invite cousins, etc. and there just wasn’t enough room for all the friends they wanted to bring. Since she wasn’t footing the bill, she had to concede to her parents.
Of course, she actually EXPLAINED this instead of hiding it. And honestly? People will talk. How is she supposed to prevent people from saying “Well, see you at the reception!” and then having people go “What reception?” and then get mad that they were only invited to the ceremony. ESPECIALLY if any of these people are from OOT. I just think it’s incredibly rude to not be up front with people.
Post # 11
I’d just be honest, and explain that it might cause headaches she probably doesn’t want to deal with on her wedding day. If she doesn’t want to take your advice, at least you tried.
Post # 12
If you are not very close friends, I think you may need to let the bride come to the realization (hopefully!) on her own. It is a bit awkward to be aware of the faux-pas and not be able to relay the information.
Are the bride and her family having a large ceremony and a smaller reception due to financial or religious reasons?
Post # 13
@MOHme: Religious, no. Financial, maybe. I think it’s not a necessity, but it WILL save them some money. Know what I mean? I am a believer that you have the wedding you can afford though, so maybe I don’t “get” it.
@MissKatelyn: Yeah if she were going to be up front about it then I think it would be less awkward.
Post # 14
I think this may be more common than it appears. I was just at a wedding last night were some guests were only invited to the church and the dancing part of the reception (so excluded for dinner). I thought this was terrible and aparently some of the B-list guests did as well and turned down their invites but there were others who completely understood and were happy to attend the church ceremony and return several hours later for dancing. In this case the couple served sparkling wine and canapes after the ceremony in the church garden where people hung around for about an hour. The gap between the ceremony and start of the reception was about 4 hours so there was also time for the bride and groom to hang around with guests before taking photos. It appeared they had about 200 people in church and under 100 for dinner. I counted about 10-15 post dinner guests all who were local friends/former colleagues. In this case they told the guests they simply could not accomodate everyone for dinner but would like to celebrate with them and it seemed to work out. I don’t think I would have been able to do that but at least, I think it is best to tell the guests they are only invited to the ceremony so they don’t find out by accident. Another wedding I attended for a cousin of DH excluded many aunts and uncles from the reception but invited cousins because they wanted a party atmosphere and prefered to invite more younger guests. DH’s mom attended the ceremony with us and then went home, she seemed to understand as they are not very close to begin with. Honestly, I don’t think you can do anything about your friend’s decision other than gently suggesting she consider not hiding the reception from her ceremony only guests and hope for the best.
Post # 15
I’m not big on etiquette, but this is pretty bad. I’ve actually seen it done and I don’t think explaining yourself makes it any better. If someone throws any kind of event where they invite people they are a “host.” If you can’t host all the guests equally you invite less guests. But, I would also stay out of it. It’s her wedding- she and her fiance can do what makes them happy.
Post # 16
I have no idea what Ms. Post would say about this situation, but I don’t know that it is necessarily “bad etiquette”. I agree that it’s not ideal, and I would not do it myself. BUT – why do you think that reception cards are traditionally separate from the ceremony invitation? It’s because not everybody would also be invited to the reception.
My sister is getting married next year in our hometown church, and she, my mother, and my father are all very active in the church, participating in several choirs, etc. So they have a lot of church friends. Many of these church friends, esp. all the older ladies, would love to see my sister get married. However it’s not practical to invite all of them to a reception. So they will get the invitation to attend the ceremony, but not the separate invite to attend the reception. Not ideal, but this is not a “new” thing, And it is probably becoming less common as more couples do not get married in a church and instead have ceremonies at the reception place with the party starting right away (which is what I did, several states away from my hometown so I could avoid this problem ).
Anyway, I think you could ask kindly ask her what she thinks the reaction would be of the people who are only invited to the ceremony. If she can’t deal with how to handle it, then she might want to re-think it. Otherwise I would leave it alone, you may not know the whole backstory.