Awkward: how to request money rather than gifts

posted 3 years ago in Money
Post # 3
Hostess
9907 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

@prahajess:  well – just an FYI – both of these are ridiculously hot topics on the bee and you could end up with a rather heated argument on your hands.

My 2 cents

1. you shouldn’t mention gifts at all, period, it’s impolite (and a little tacky).  If you don’t register for gifts people will either buy you something or give you cash.  We’re hoping for money but have registered in an attempt to avoid too many really obscure gifts.

2. Cash bar – personally, I have no problem with cash bars.  Where I’m from and in my social circle they’re pretty expected.  It really depends on what your family/friends expect at a wedding.  If you can’t afford a full bar, consider beer and wine only, or even just a signature drink.  I wouldn’t recommend going into debt for your wedding.

 

Post # 4
Member
687 posts
Busy bee

I don’t believe anyone should go into debt for a wedding either. People on here are horrified by cash bars, but I don’t think most people in real life are such guestzillas. As @bibbleskip said, you could have an open bar with just beer and wine and it would be cheaper for you. 

Unfortunately there is no good way to ask for cash. Just don’t register anywhere and people will be more likely to get the hint. I’m in a similar position– I’ve been living with my boyfriend for 6 years, we’re in our late 20s, and we have a small apartment. We don’t *need* anything or have room for anything and we try not to be wasteful so I would feel bad getting rid of a perfectly good set of dishes to make room for new ones. 

Post # 5
Member
6505 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

Don’t register. People should get the hint. Don’t mention gifts anywhere.

Is there any way you can at least offer beer and wine?

Post # 6
Member
127 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I’m in Australia and over here it is VERY common and accepted to have a wishing well set up at weddings where guests can leave a cash gift rather than presents. My friend recently got married and there was a little note which said “A wishing well will be set up at the reception where your well wishes can be received”.

 

We are also going to have a wishing well. It seems to be a little taboo in other places though…

Post # 7
Member
752 posts
Busy bee

@prahajess:  It’s generally considered tacky to ask for anything; some people even take issue with listing registry information. (Although I listed registry info on the invite and got lots of good feedback from family/friends; it depends on your social circle really).  

I suppose if it were me and I’d have to go into credit card debt for the bar, I’d either have a cash bar (which is a polarized-at-best topic on the Bee) or just do a reception with apps and maybe one cocktail.  Or a late morning ceremony followed by a simple reception with punch, cake, etc.  Bottom line being, I wouldn’t go into cc debt just so people can drink.  

Post # 8
Member
1822 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013 - Pavilion overlooking golf course scenery, reception at banquet hall

The most polite way is to not have a registry and just hope for the best. Maybe let your parents know, and if anyone asks them directly they can hint at it one-on-one with that person.

Cash bars are totally fine. If even beer/wine will put you in any debt, dont do it. Debt is not the way you want to start a marriage! I don’t need alcohol to enjoy myself, and if I did I wouldn’t think twice to buy it myself, especially if my plate was free!

Post # 9
Member
2100 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@prahajess:  If you have to put “awkward” before asking something like this, I wouldn’t do it. One doesn’t specify what kind of gift. If someone asks, then you could say something. 

Post # 10
Member
896 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

@prahajess:  You should not mention gifts at all, and as you have already acknowledged, you should only have the wedding you can afford.  If you can only afford an elopement, then you elope.  Your other option is waiting until you can afford the wedding you want.  

Post # 11
Member
641 posts
Busy bee

People on the bee hate HATE people when brides pretend they are aware of the existance of gifts, and mention them in any way. Personally, I’m a pragmatic kind of girl, so I’d rather a bridal couple be straightforward and polite, rather than expecting me to quest to find their mothe so she can reveal the right gift/registry to me like it’s some goddamn Lord of the Rings wedding spinoff.

That being said, my reccommendation is to word it is “The bridal couple is not registered. The greatest thing you can give us is your attendance, love, and support.” Most people get that no registry means if you gift the couple, gift them with money. You may have a few people ruffle up at the mention of the word registry in ~writing no less!~ But that’s just a risk you’ll need to take.

 

Don’t go into debt for booze!! What kind of venue are you at? Can you provide a couple signature pitcher drinks and call it a day?

Post # 12
Member
11379 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

i wouldn’t mention anything about gifts or money.  as pp stated, don’t register and your guests will more than likely give you cash.

Post # 13
Member
1887 posts
Buzzing bee

@MrsBeck:  +1 on don’t register and offer beer and wine.

Post # 14
Member
281 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@prahajess: I would avoid registries and any information about gifts/money in invites. You could mention is in passing to close family such as you mum and FMIL that you do not really want gifts but would appreciate money to go towards ______ if guests want to give you anything.

Do not go into debt for booze.

Weddings do not have to be big expensive events. I’m sure your guests will love yours as a celebration of the love between you and your FI. You do not have to throw the party of the year.

Can you provide 1/2 a bottle of wine for each adult. Here cash-bars are the norm but you do get a welcome drink and a couple of drinks with the meal. Our package with our venue provided 1/2 a bottle of house white or red per person which is more than enough for people who drink sensibly. There is a cash bar for anyone who wants more or something different.

Many of our guest would drink an open bar dry if we had one (even guests who drink sensibly at any other time) This would be embarrassing for them and us and bad for their livers.

 

Post # 15
Member
6644 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Definately do no mention no gifts.  As for cash bar, where I am from that is the norm even though on the Bee it is sooo frowned upon.  

 

 

Post # 16
Member
624 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

@Bracelet00:  People on the bee hate HATE people when brides pretend they are aware of the existance of gifts, and mention them in any way. Personally, I’m a pragmatic kind of girl, so I’d rather a bridal couple be straightforward and polite, rather than expecting me to quest to find their mothe so she can reveal the right gift/registry to me like it’s some goddamn Lord of the Rings wedding spinoff.

ROTFL!!!

 

@prahajess:  If many of your guests are going to be flying internationally for your wedding, I think you’ll be mainly getting money gifts anyway.

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