Post # 1
So my cousin who is 26 has been dating since March a 20 year old girl that our family doesn’t like very much.
They met because she was sleeping with his 40 year old flatmate (who by all accounts was a very odd man) and this is one of the reasons my family doesn’tlike her.
Also she has no academic or career ambition (she dropped out of uni, did a course to teach abroad and dropped out of that too and only does the odd job here and there) and really seems to have interest of her own.
She came to visit his parents a few times and spent the whole visit in his room and would only come out with him and rarely ever spoke anyone. His parents just thought she was shy but by the third visit found it very rude.
Anyway about a month ago they announce she is pregnant. She miscarried a few weeks later. Everyone had assumed this had been a little “accident” but apparently they had been trying to conceive and are going to try again.
Her family is delighted (which I must say is very odd) but our family isn’t at all. His sister and I are veryclose and she was telling me today that she doesn’t know if to speak to him and try and talk some sense into him or just let things take their course and let him make his own mistakes.
I wasn’t surewhat to say to her so I was wondering if anyone had any advice
Post # 3
@walnutgirl: Since you are not family but a friend, all I would do is listen to her.
Her brother is old enough to know babies are a LOT of responsibility and if he wants to make such a drastic change to his life, it’s his to make it.
Post # 4
@LuvMySailor: They are both my cousin’s, sorry if that wasn’t understandable from the post!
Post # 5
- Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas
They are adults, not much she can do here.
Post # 6
Older Bee here…
Honestly a sad story all around…
IMO as an Oldtimer (I’m over 50)
I’d say just “be there” for your friend… a safe place where she can vent her frustrations.
In all honesty (and you can tell her this) as someone my age I’ve seen this sort of thing more than once in life.
Unfortunately, people “in love” (or more likely IN LUST) cannot see reality for what it truly is
There is a lot more to a marriage than just saying you are in love, and saying I DO
(Probably WHY there are so many Divorces… people don’t get that Marriages are a HUGE Commitment and a TON of hard work)
Likewise there are a lot more things to being Pregnant & a Parent… than the sex act, and having a baby
So many people get wrapped up in the idea that a baby is a “cute” expression of what they see in each other’s eyes (part me, part you = too cute)
(In reality, babies are a HUGE Commitment and a TON of hard work)
Altho… unlike a Marriage, a child truly is a commitment that one makes FOREVER. There usually no way out from under that “mistake”
So ya, sadly… Mr Head-Over-Heals with the Girl-with-no-ambition-but-2-B-Pregnant will have to find out all about REALITY on his own
(( Sorry ))
Post # 7
@This Time Round: I agree with you, feel very bad for my cousins, him since I personally think he is making a mistake and her because it’s painful to see your brother do it.
I also feel sorry for this girl… At 20 the world is your oyster I feel like you should be making the most of it… you 20 years to have children.
Post # 8
Unfortunately people have to make their own mistakes and when they are in situations like this, nothing that anyone says will change their minds. Your cousin telling her brother her opinion is likely to just cause a rift between them right now, rather than knock sense into him. All you can really do is try to be supportive. It’s his life and his choices and he’ll be the one that has to live with them.
Post # 9
@walnutgirl: I really don’t know if there is anything you can do. In my experience, when family started getting involved in a relationshop of another family member, it just created a big rift. I understand what it’s like to not like a family member’s chosen significant other, but in the end it’s their choice to make.
Post # 10
My opinion is that she should express her concerns to him in a loving way. I was 18 years old when I got pregnant with my first child. It was an accident – not planned, but I was so caught up in the heat of the sexual relationship and I had my mother and a few concerned friends speak up that they were concerned. Although, I still went and got myself pregnant and was in a very unhealthy relationship, I still look back and see that they truly cared for me by confronting me about the situation. Now I am a single mother, and I LOVE my son but life could have gone a lot more smoothly for my early 20’s had I left that relationship before I got pregnant! But at least I only have myself to blame for that – because others who could see the situation clearly already warned me!
Post # 11
I think everyone needs to mind their own business. Even if she did talk to him, you really think he will suddenly change his mind? “Gee sis, you’re right! What was I thinking?” Not likely. Trying to talk sense into him will result only in resentment and anger. It’s not worth it. He’s a big boy and he will figure it out in the long run.
Post # 12
- Wedding: June 2014 - TTC #2
‘or just let things take their course and let him make his own mistakes.’
Normally this is my mantra, but this ‘mistake’ isn’t a mistake that affects just him (drugs, bad career move, gambling etc) but this is bringing another soul into this world, a human that has no choice in the matter. If you truly feel this mistake will cause the child to suffer in any way, definitely step in. But if there’s hope this child will be happy and your cousin and this girl can be good parents (regardless of how the family feels about the girl), then it isn’t anyone’s business I’m afraid.
Post # 13
maybe its just me but this women doesn’t seem so awful? maybe she is just too shy to talk to his family? maybe she wants to be a stay at home mother in the future? or hasn’t truly picked what schooling she wants to go for…
26 & 20 they are adults and can make their own choices in life.
Post # 14
@RedPanda24: I think there is nothing wrong with wanting to be a stay at home mother. I just think his parents (and I must admit I tend to agree) think that she is unsure as to what she wants to do with her life and the easiest and most conveniet is motherhood.
If you aren’t mature enough to be able to make small talk withyour boyfriends family that has gone out of their way on all three your visits to make you feel at home and welcome and you would rather sit in a corner and try and make out with your boyfriend then I don’t think you are mature enough to be a parent.
Also I think that being a mother should be a part of your life. You cannot base your identity and life around being a mother. The same way it can’t revolve aroundbeing someone’s girlfriend/wife/partner. You should have some other form of passion/interest/ambition/pursuit.
The women I meet that generally really want to be mothers actually want to be role models for their children. They want to live a full life so they can then transmit that to their children. Theyreally work hard on becoming culturally and emotionally rich and stimulating people so they will one day be able to pass that on to their children.
Post # 15
Ugh. She should talk to her brother about it, but accept that the (foolish) choice is his…
Post # 16
@walnutgirl: its not your place to judge