Awkward tension with my mom :(

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
1834 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@Etbeo:  I can understand your mom’s frustration, since your guy did promise but wasn’t able to get to it. BUT your mom definitely approached this the wrong way by attacking the two of you and making it sound like you don’t do anything for her (it sounds like you are both very supportive and do plenty.) Give it a few days or even a couple of weeks to let everyone cool off and then try for a calm lunch or dinner in neutral territory to talk things out.  Your mom should understand that she was out of line and perhaps your fiance can come up with a solid plan for getting these tasks done.

Post # 5
435 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

@Etbeo:  I would too just give it some time and then sit down with her and figure out the deck and door thing and get it done.  After that I wouldn’t be as involved so she doesn’t expect help all the time.  That’s what handypeople are for.  You hire them to do this type of stuff for you and your FI doesn’t overcommit himself.

Post # 6
275 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I agree, I think that everyone has some fault in this situation, but its your mom who crossed the line. She approached this in totally the wrong way. Definitely let everyone cool off for a bit and think everything over.

Then I think you should meet with your mom alone and try to hash things out. You are the go-between with your mom and FI, and I think its your responsibility to “deal” with issues with your side of the family. You can meet with your mom and represent you and your FI both. Your mom might be more willing to talk to just you, she may be embarrassed or uncomfortable in front of your FI at this time.

Ask your FI if there is anything that would make this situation better for him (ie your mom apologizing to him, etc). Yes, he was a little late for a couple things, and some things fell off the radar/were replaced by more pressing matters. He’s human. We’re all human, and this happens to everyone. Also talk about what he would be comfortable doing for your mom in the future.

Then with your mom, I would start off by saying that you understand that she has felt neglected and not a priority over the summer, however she approached this issue that wrong way. The way she went off on both of you was not constructive and did not help.

Lay everything out there. Let your mom vent in a safe zone (ie not in front of your FI, things she may say might upset/hurt him), and then lay out you and your FI wants and needs. You feel sorry for forgetting some projects, but she overreacted. And request that next time she feels this way or needs something done, she needs to kindly bring it up/schedule it with you two. And i think that if she started saying “thank you” for you and your FI’s help, that would go a long way. And request that she make nice with your FI because he feels neglected too (or whatever you and he previously talked about). Then schedule/plan how her projects will get done (again, in a way that your FI and you agreed on before) and stick to that.

Right now, everyone is upset. I really think the only way to fix this is to let both your mom and FI vent away from each other, and come to terms the situation (your mom needs to understand that you guys have a life and unless she makes it known that she needs something done, other things take precedence, and your FI should take extra care with his schedule and you need to help make sure your mom can bring up issues to you before it escalates like this again). And the icing on the cake is everyone needs to apologize to eachother. Saying I’m sorry (sincerely) does wonders.

I think that your FI and your mom can move past this if they both understand where the other is coming from, and apologize for their actions, and their needs are taken care of (your moms projects are done, and your FI is thanked for what he does, etc).

Good luck! 🙂


Post # 7
2725 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I have to be honest, if I were your mom I would be pretty pissed off with you too. How would you have felt if she offered you the money for your house, and then never came through with it?

She was there for you when you needed help, and then you totally blew off what you offered to do to thank her. Why would she feel like a priority for you? 

I know sometimes life gets in the way, and I’m not sayin this was intentional, but whether you meant to or not, what you guys did was pretty crappy.

You shouldn’t have offered to help unless you planned to follow through on it. And once you realised that it couldn’t happen you should have at least sat down with her to figure out a schedule or a plan. Instead you blew her off all summer and then miraculously as soon as she yells at you you guys have the time?

I think you guys both owe her an apology. She didn’t put you in this situation, YOU did. 

Post # 8
73 posts
Worker bee

@sara_tiara:  hi there ,, have a sit together and talk about everything to be planned well again… it’s better for both of you to apologized to her , as a respect as well… everythings gonna be alright…

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