Post # 1
My husband and I have decided when we’re going to TTC and while I’m excited, I’m also nervous. His family is 12 hours away and I don’t know them very well. It’s a little overwhelming to think that they’ll be my baby’s grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. when I hardly know them. I have no idea what their expectations will be but have started to think of the way I want things to look regarding the birth and visits and stuff.
I don’t want anyone in the delivery room except my husband and my mom. I don’t want any overnight guests in our home right away. Anything else, I’m totally fine with, but I would not be okay with his mom and sisters or whoever coming and staying with us for two weeks right after the baby is born or having his mom watching me deliver.
Ideally, I’d love to take the baby to his family to visit so that everyone could meet the baby. Realistically, I don’t know when that would be after delivering and I don’t want anyone to be upset that the baby is a month or two old before we make the 12 hour trip.
How did things work out for you and your in-laws? Am I out of line with these two requests?
Post # 3
Who you want in the delivery room is up to you. A lot of women opt to just have just their husband and/or their mom, so I don’t see anything unreasonable about that. And I completely understand not wanting to have guests staying over when you first get the baby home, and your in-laws should understand, too.
Post # 4
I don’t think there is anything unreasonable about what you said. It’s totally up to you who you want in the delivery room. It’s your privates on display!
I think if you were to travel with the baby it’s not out of line to think you won’t till the baby is a couple months old. 12 hours is a long time for a newborn!
However, if your ILs wanted to come visit then you might have to rethink or perhaps suggest a hotel somehow.
For me, I would actually ideally like to only have my husband in the delivery room. My mom does not speak English so I think it would be more stress on me to have to translate what is going on. Right now the exact when she will come is up in the air because my SIL is due two weeks before me. But whether it’s pre-delivery or post she will be coming to stay for 2-3 months to help us out. And there’s a whole host of post baby care involved in Chinese customs.
I personally have no qualms about the ILs coming to visit immediately after baby is born and staying with us. I might have to draw the line if BIL came soon after delivery and decided he wanted to bring his “GF” though. Family yes, strangers no! I know my husband will think I am over thinking it. But when family is here I don’t have to cater to them. When people I don’t know are then I would feel like I need to or our family will need to. And I just don’t want to deal with that after having a baby!
Post # 5
It’s good to have a plan, but this isn’t only your baby. I’m left wondering what your husband thinks about all of that. You may not know his family very well, but they are HIS family and that baby is half HIM. How would you feel if he suddenly restricted the access that your family had to the baby?
I don’t think it’s unreasonable to set limits on who can be in the delivery room and to set visiting hours, But you may need to be a bit more flexible when it comes to his Mom. Especially if there’s a strong double standard between your Mom and his. Of course if there are family tensions at play between him and his side of the family, that could be a different story. But remember that he should be involved in these types of decisions.
Post # 6
If they can get alternative accomodation then they should be allowed to come visit and see the baby, they may not want to wait 2 months to see the baby.
Post # 7
@kiddosc: I couldn’t agree more.
While you can restrict who is in the delivery room when your baby is born, you shouldn’t restrict his family for wanting to come see the baby after it’s born. Like kiddosc said, the baby is your husband’s too, and even though you don’t know his family very well, the baby is going to be their grandchild. And if your mom has a right to see the baby within the first month of his/her birth, so do his parents and family.
Post # 8
I think asking them to stay out of the delivery room and asking for no overnight visitors at first are fine requests. Not over the line at all, imo.
We actually asked people to come visit on a schedule. My parents came up for about 12 hours when Dirty Delete was first born to see her in the hospital, but then they left and didn’t come back until she was 2 weeks old, when my husband went back to work. My mom stayed for 2 weeks, and then my in-laws showed up when she left. They stayed for 2 weeks, and my SIL came for the last few days of their visit, to see DD’s baptism. It worked out really well for us, and I thought staggering the visiotrs made things a lot easier all around.
Post # 9
@kiddosc: I kind of disagree… it’s her lady parts on display. If she wants to set a double standard between her mom and his mom that’s totally with in her right.
@apex: I think both of these restrictions are totally fine. I would say it’s not right to tell his family they can’t come visit… but you can certainly tell them they are welcome to come visit but not to stay with you. My husband and I are going to start TTC next month, and I full intend to have both of these rules in place. There is NO chance my Mother-In-Law will be in the delivery room. And I will let my parents stay with us because I want my mom’s help.. but if my IL’s want to come visit right away I will request they stay in a hotel. I think it’s completely fair for me to say I’m comfortable with MY mom being around in the middle of the night to help me work out breast feeding… but not comfortable with my in laws being around.
Post # 10
It has nothing to do with restricting access to the baby. I would love for them to see the baby, honestly I have no qualms about the in-laws coming to town, I just don’t want overnight guests. I think that puts too much pressure on me and hubby to play host, preparing meals and other tasks associated with having houseguests. And even though no one would really expect the new mom to be doing all that, it’ll still need to be done (and it’d probably be done by me). People have to eat, have clean towels, etc. Playing hostess after delivering a child and while trying to bond with the new baby and adjust to a huge life-altering event just seems overwhelming!
ETA: I know it wouldn’t be JUST his mom driving down or flying down, it’d be his mom and 2-3 sisters and to have 3-4 extra people in the house (with no guest room) with a newborn… overwhelming!!!
Post # 11
I think it’s totally reasonable to not want your Mother-In-Law in the delivery room with you. But your husband may want his family to be able to visit in the weeks following you guys going home with baby; I think that’s a decision that he has to be involved in too.
Post # 12
It will be your baby, your body and your choice whom you want to visit and for how long they stay.
I have family and friends who had babies and we gave them space for at least a couple of weeks after the birth, I think it’s the polite thing to do.
If people do insist on coming to visit sooner, you could ask if they wouldn’t mind helping with some chores or look after baby while you get some rest.
When one of my friends gave birth (she was a single Mum), I popped round in the first week after the birth, to help with the baby and settling them in. I didn’t sit there expecting the baby to be handed to me while the new Mother served my tea and biscuits!
Post # 13
@domestic_cat– haha, what a horrible visual! Me passing off my precious newborn to someone else so that I can go wash a sinkful of dishes after having to serve a huge meal! And then finishing dishes to run off to the do a load of laundry!
Post # 14
@kiddosc: I disagree as well. There is a difference between your mom and your partner’s mom. I had mine there the whole time (for delivery and the following week). My Mother-In-Law stressed me out so much. She didn’t respect the times when they baby was sleeping and made comments that were hurtful to me. It wasn’t intentional, but it’s just now that I’m getting over it and am starting to trust her.
You definitely have the right to limit who is in the delivery room all you want. I also think that if you want to limit overnight guests, you should do so. We traveled to my in-laws more than they came to us. It was easier and for the most part less stressful for everyone involved.
Everyone has their own ideas on how things should go once you have a new baby. You have to do what you feel is comfortable for you. You need to talk with your Darling Husband and figure out what works for your family. It doesn’t sound like you don’t want your in-laws around, just that you don’t want it to be stressful – no overnights and no strangers. It really sounds reasonable. It might not be fair, but your relationships with different people are not the same, and when it comes to such an important time in your life, you want to be focused on your new baby.