Weddingbee boards

Need some help with a difficult situation...

FI's brother is married with two babies.  They live in Georgia, our wedding is in California, where we live.  From the very beginning, since we first told them we were engaged & about the wedding, the plan has been that FI's brother would come but not his wife & the babies.  This was for financial reasons, and also because the youngest baby will only be 6 months old at the time of the wedding -- it's a long trip for two babies!

So there was never any possibility that babies would be at the wedding (we have no other friends or family with children).  We planned a very adult, intimate, very cocktail-hour evening wedding, in a garden that is somewhat difficult to reach and doesn't have any accommodations for babies. 

We also made arrangments for FI's immediate family to all stay at my father's house to save them some money.  This is super generous of my Dad, considering he has enough going on with his daughter's wedding.  It's 4 people and they will fit in the guest rooms, so it's ok.  They are also not planning to rent a car (financial reasons) but 4 people isn't too much to drive around -- my Dad is even taking the Monday after the wedding off work to drive them to the airport!

SOOOOO last Friday, right after the invites go out, FI gets a call from his brother that the WHOLE FAMILY is coming, and asked if they could stay at my Dad's!  I was TOTALLY freaked out!!  This is not something we planned for!  It would 1) be a huge burden to my Dad to have that many people -- including 2 little babies -- in his house for the wedding, 2) we would have to figure a new car situation since not everyone would fit in one car anymore, and 3) I DON'T WANT BABIES AT THE WEDDING!!

Let me repeat -- I DON'T WANT BABIES AT THE WEDDING!  If I had thought this would be a possibility, I would have either planned a different type of wedding or told them from the get-go.  I don't know what to do!!!!

Is this totally rude of them, or am I a bridezilla?  Am I cruel?  If the babies don't some, then FSIL cannot come either (as was the original plan).  I would honestly rather that she not come and the babies not come.  Am I horrible??  I feel so guilty but also freaked out!  How do you think we should handle this?

I understand where you're coming from... but this is not worth burning a bridge over. They'll probably end up leaving the wedding early to put the kids to bed.  I do think it's a lot to ask for them to stay with your dad, and you/he should feel free to say no, but be nice about it.  Remember that they are willing to deal with the hassle and expense of flying cross-country with two little kids so that they can be there to celebrate your marriage.  I COMPLETELY understand why this sudden change in plans would freak you out - no one likes to plan around circumstances that suddenly change - but try to look at it in a positive light, even if they end up not coming (I bet plans might change if they can't stay at your dad's/would have to rent a car).

All the responses are very interesting & it's helpful to see people's viewpoints.  FI will have to tell them that they'd have to get a hotel room and rent a car.  It's not an option for them to use FI's car -- he needs it to shuttle the rest of his family around!  I don't have a car, and my father's car is only available to take them to the airport for unrelated reasons.  The accommodation issue alone might be enough to discourag them from coming.

But even if it's not, I just REALLY don't want the babies to be there.  It's weird because I feel kind of guilty for feeling that way, but I also feel really strongly about it.  I don't even know how they would access the ceremony & reception site (have to take a tram - carseats?).  It's a small garden and a small wedding, so 2 strollers would make a significant impact.  One of the babies is 2 and pretty wild, they don't really put a lid on him that I've seen.  We've put SO MUCH thought and love into the beautiful language of the ceremony, we're having 6 readings that are so important to us and it's a small crowd (under 30).  The idea of 2 babies fussing through it SERIOUSLY bugs me!  I feel like it would ruin the wedding.  In addition, we have to make arrangements to rent high chairs -- and who is going to want to sit at the baby table? I feel like that's not fair to all of our friends.  And where will they change diapers?  And what about all the candles and glass and sparklers we've planned?  None of this is baby-friendly! 

I have no idea if she is breastfeeding, I didn't even think of that.  It seems like a good idea to recommend a sitter, but I know if I were in their shoes I wouldn't leave my babies with someone I didn't know.  Plus, I don't actually know any sitters to recommend, I suppose I could ask around.

I just really to tell them that this is an adults-only wedding, and that there is no room at my Dad's house, but it sounds like a fair number of people think that is rude and unreasonable.  Is it??  Am I jerk?  It's possible, but I think they are rude to assume that babies are invited to an evening wedding and put us in this position!

Another weird thing about it is that FI paid for FBIL's plane ticket with the understanding that he would be reinbursed... but that never happened and FI never had the heart to mention it (which was fine with me).  But it seems so weird that they would now buy MORE tickets after not paying for the first one!!  :-(

I totally feel your pain on this one. I think all you can do is say they can't stay with your dad, but if they say they'll sort out their accomodation/transport, I think you're going to have to suck it up. 

I wanted no kids, which was going to be fine, since there were only 2 that mattered - my 10 year old cousin and the best man's 1 year old. My cousin has hit his evil teen stage early (basically, he segued neatly from nightmare toddler to stroppy teen without any adorable in-between stages) and immediately stated he wasn't coming, and, besides, he would be at his father's that weekend, and his dad's time with him (his parents are divorced) is set in stone years in advance, and the best man volunteered that his baby wouldn't be there (they expected a no-child policy), so no problems, everyone's a winner. WRONG.

Since then, my brother's fiancee got pregnant (baby will be 3 months old at the wedding), for complicated reasons my cousin is now coming, and so it looks like we'll have the toddler as well. I'm sure it'll be fine on the day, but every time I think about it it stresses me out (not helped by my brother, who seems to think that no-one on earth ever had a baby before, so comes up with such gems as "I assume it'll be ok to change nappies/breastfeed on the church steps" Erm, no, there are facilities for that; and "Oh, you're expecting me at the rehearsal dinner?!? Well we'll have the baby! Are you sure the restaurant can deal with babies??" REALLY!? You'll have your FIANCEE and BABY with you!!! I hadn't expected that, and have chosen a restaurant that turns away nursing mothers at the door! Eeeshh. Families.)

Tragically, at some point you just have to suck it up and admit that you can't always have what you want, even at your own wedding. 

I just wanted to note that the babies were not invited.  I am not sure what FI wrote on the envelope of their invitation (it might have been something like FBIL & Family, or it might have been just the couple's name).  HOWEVER I made the response card and I know for sure that it said "we have reserved 2 seats in your honor."  We didn't put "adults only" on the invite because these are the only children among our invited friends/family, and we thought there was NO possibility of them coming!  I mean, FI had already bought the ticket for FBIL, it seemed all set!

The consensus seems to be that I should just "cave" but UGH I don't know if I can do that.  I really do feel like these two babies will ruin the wedding.  With such a small event, it really changes the dynamics!  That's not even considering the logistical stuff about the venue, etc.  FI agrees that he doesn't want them at the wedding, but I  know he's kind of following my lead on this one.  I just feel like it's so unfair that I would have to give up this wedding that I've painstakingly planned for a year in order to not offend people who are, in my eyes, being ridiculous and rude!  I understand that there are some weddings where babies are welcome, but it's not the norm in my circle AT ALL.  The idea that they would assume the babies could come is so strange to me!  FI said "You have to understand that these are people who have never been to a wedding in their whole lives that was adults-only." 

@ArwenBride:  Thanks for this post and the advice!  It's so true, if they do show up after we (essentially) ask them not to, I will handle it gracefully.  And I also want to handle anything we say to them with kindness... I mean, I do recognize that they didn't wake up in the morning and say "Hey sweetie let's ruin their wedding!"  This situation needs to be handled deeelicately (wicked witch voice)

@Monkeygirl:  haha, so true!!  :)

Two thoughts...

If you didn't put the kids on the original invitation, I don't see why it's a big deal to politely say "Oh, we're so glad you can all make it and I'll get to see my adorable niece/nephew(s)! Now, since the wedding is adults only, do you want me to help look for a sitter in this area?" 

That said, if it's going to be some sort of WW3 situation, having the kids there probably won't be as big a deal as you think. When they're that little, they're pretty much the sole responsibility of the parents. It's not like you'll have a big group of grade schoolers running around - a toddler and a baby are going to be with mommy and daddy all night. It may hamper their good time, but unless they're horribly behaved, doubtful it would affect anyone else.

I really don't think you can predict whether these children will RUIN your wedding any more than you can predict whether its going to rain on your wedding day. I think if you clearly explain your expectations of the children (ie. they be kept quiet during the ceremony, they be allowed to decompress or unwind somewhere other than in the mist of the cermeony/reception if they get restless, and that all child accomodations will need to be provided by them) the parents will either realize it's more trouble than its worth or realize they will need to be on their game the day of.

We had a 22 month old, a 3 year old, a 4 year old, and a 7 year old attend our wedding and let me tell you they were FAR BETTER behaved than some of the adults. Many people told me I was crazy for wanting to include such young children in a formal evening wedding but it worked. And worked well.

How does your FI feel about the kids? Does he care if his niece/nephew(s) are there or not?

In the end it is both of your day and I hope you find a resolution that will accomodate everyone's wishes.

@plantains: It isn't that I think FBIL is ridiculous for wanting to bring his children across the country to a wedding.  I think it's ridiculous that for all this time, they told us that it was only possible for FBIL to make it to the wedding, not the whole family.  FI was disappointed when he found out about that, he wished that everyone could come!  I think it's ridiculous for him to totally change his tune less than 2 months away from the wedding, after we've planned something that is just NOT meant for children.  And I also think it's ridiculous for him to ask if his whole family can stay at the father of the bride's house, putting us in the somewhat awkward position of saying "Well it was ok when it was just you, but we can't put that many people up..."  And also given the fact that he hasn't even paid for his own ticket yet, yeah, this seems rude and strange to me. 

Of course I'm being selfish, I've been pretty open about that in my posts -- these are my feelings which are pretty strong, about my wedding.  I just DON'T want the babies there, it changes too much for me, it feels very inappropriate given everything involved in our ceremony and event.  I don't think FI's family really cares one way or another if the kids come -- his parents think it's a bad idea but they aren't getting involved.  FI does not want them there, but also does not want to have to tell them that. 

I don't blame FSIL for wanting to come to the wedding, but they made such a point of telling us that it would only be FBIL... for so long.  The very first conversation FI had with her after telling her we're engaged she said, "Well FBIL will go out for the wedding but I'm not going to be able to make it."  He was really disappointed! 

I guess it's just really frustrating because people are saying "oh, it won't be that bad, just two little kids"  but the thing is, that attitude comes from people who probably WANT kids at their wedding, or aren't opposed to it or whatever.  For me, it WOULD be that bad b/c it is not what we had in mind and inappropriate for this event.  I don't want to listen to babies fussing during the vows, running around, etc etc.  I am just so not interested in that happening.  And it would be disappointing for my whole family, as well, who have all put so much into this and think it's as ridiculous as I do for them to bring uninvited babies to this wedding