Post # 1
So my husband and I have been together for almost 6 years and recently got married. To fellow bees, who may not have had children before marriage or even those who did and considered having more, how soon into your marriage did you and your husband start feeling the baby desire?
We got married last month and honestly it feels like it’s a lot longer than just one month. Time seems to have expanded in my perception I guess. Anyway, advice given by other new mothers who had children soon after marriage is they would have loved to have waited a while longer. Even other family members advise why not ‘enjoy your marriage’ before bringing children into the mix. I can understand the concerns which I once shared. I know from friends of mine that it is tiring having babies and then it puts a strain on establishing a foundation for your marriage as a couple.
My other argument though is, isn’t having children part of the ‘fun of marriage’? Part of getting married, at least for Mr. A and I is to start a family and stress may come, children or no children, though they add to relationship dinamics, but……marriage isn’t just about being the couple ‘husband and wife’. To me having children and sharing in raising them is part of the fun of marriage. While a couple should never get lost in their children and lead to marital rifts, I do think that expanding our family should be a good thing and a blessing as they are rightfully.
The other arguments leveled are that we should ensure that it’s the right time and secure etc. I’ve thought about it and realized that if I have to wait till all my goals are achieved, which would allow me the assured security for children, I’m looking at maybe another 5-10 years……
Post # 2
It will be different for everyone of course. But things that matter for us are age, income, life goals and general stability.
We have been together for 11 years, married for one year. We have stable jobs, just bought our first home and we are 26 and 28. We plan on waiting about 3 more years before TTC. We want to pay off all our student loans, pay off my car, travel more and enjoy our 20’s.
That’s the plan at least!
Post # 3
SKyAlex: I think as long as you’re BOTH definitely ready then it’s the right time. If either of you feel the need to wait and “enjoy your marriage” a little longer first then I’d wait until you’re both fully ready.
Plus, you’ve been together for 6 years already (I don’t know if you’ve lived together or not) but you’ve already been enjoying each other and as long as you don’t stop enjoying each other after baby comes then you’re all set. 🙂
Post # 4
I don’t think there’s ever a right answer on when to have babies. For me, I’ll be 30 by the time I’m married and finally finished with my postgrad training. I definitely want time to thrive in my new job, maximize my earnings, and enjoy married life with my beloved. However, I also realize that increased risk from advanced maternal age starts at 35, so my childbearing time is limited. We’ll probably start TTC at least a year or so after getting married.
On the other hand, I know people who have gotten pregnant practically right after getting married. One couple had been together for many years before getting married, so they were ready to have kids right away. Another example is Jill Duggar from 19 Kids and Counting.
Post # 5
- Wedding: July 2015 - Bali
I’m ready to start trying as soon as we are married.
My other half isn’t quite as keen, but he is the kind of guy that doesn’t get excited about things until they are just about to happen.
Our reason is that we are in our thirties now. Don’t want to leave it too long.
Post # 6
My FI and I will be together 4 years by the time we get married next year, and we’ll probably wait about a year after we’re married until we start trying for kids. FI will be 33 then and I’ll be 27, and the timing just seems right (especially since we want more than one kid). We plan to prioritize travel before we have kids, so our main goal is to do 3 big trips and probably a closer babymoon before kids.
I was just at a birthday brunch where I was the only childless attendee, and EVERYONE there encouraged me to wait at least a year into marriage before having kids, which I thought was telling.
Post # 7
We have so many things we want to accomplish for ourselves, not just together as a couple, but as individuals before we’re ready to start a family and focus 100% on raising children. When you are happy with yourself and see yourself as someone you would like your children to look up to, I think that’s a good time to start. I know people can grow while having kids, but then your attention is split. For me, personally, I’d like to be happy with my achievements because child-rearing makes all that really difficult. The next time you’ll get time like that is once all the kids can at least feed themselves… and even then, probably not.
Post # 8
We started trying immediately and got pregnant about 6 weeks after our wedding. I was 34 and had another daughter from a previous marriage who was already 7 at the time we conceived. Time was not on our side- so the sooner the better for us! That baby we made right after our wedding is now 3!
Post # 9
SKyAlex: do what feels right to you. My husband and I met in feb 2011, engaged in feb 2012, married march 2013 and pregnant in June 2013, baby in feb 2014. I never had a baby desire, my husband wanted kids about 10 years ago! We planned to TTC 6-9 months post wedding but it accidently happened 3 months after. as someone who didn’t feel ready for kids or even know if I wanted them, I have zero regrets! Our lives are so much better because our daughter is in it.
My mom was very vocal about how we should wait at least a year before TTC. I didn’t get married with divorce in mind, so whether or not a child “strains” my relationship at 1 month into marriage or 3 years into it wouldn’t change the outcome. I never understood that argument really, but I digress. I don’t think there is a magic time period you “should” wait. Every relationship is different, you have to do what’s right for yours.
Post # 10
MrsWBS: OK wow I totally loved that….really and truly, we we didn’t get married to get divorced, so if challenges happen because of children, it won’t break our committment. We’ll push harder to make it work. But it wont meant an end to our marriage! That is so profound it’s ridiculous! Thank you!
Post # 11
SKyAlex: The best place to get advice is from people who have taken the road before. Everyone else is speculating or basing their conclusions on what they have seen (not experienced).
Post # 12
SKyAlex: I found out I was pregnant 18 days after we got married. We were engaged for a little over a year and we weren’t trying to get pregnant. I think if you don’t have any plans for travel and you want kids it’s just a question of if you can financially afford a child.
Post # 13
I found out I was pregnant before our wedding. We were thrown into parenthood six months after we got married. We got married March 2013, our house was completed July 2013 and our son was born at the very end of August 2013. While parenting is the most rewarding, fun, exciting experience, it can also shake up a solid marriage. We hit a rocky patch when he was about two months old. The awesome newborn sleepiness had worn off, baby was more alert and awake, and I was often bearing the majority of the wake ups, cleaning, etc. It stressed me out. Pair that with a little PPD and it made it real fun. Only you can tell if you’re ready!
Post # 14
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
That’s not a question anyone can answer for anyone else. We didn’t meet until we were almost 30, and we’re still not going to TTC until we’ve been married for 3 years, partly because of circumstance (known infertility issue) and partly because that is the timing that is right for us as individuals and as a couple. Our financials are in a good spot to afford a baby, our relationship is strong and stable, our careers are in good spots, we own our forever home in an amazing neighborhood with the best schools in the country, and we have an abundance of love to share with our future LO. Now is the right time for us. YMMV
Post # 15
SKyAlex: I think it really just depends on each couple, and each person in that couple. Before we were married, we thought we’d want to wait about 2-3 years to begin TTC. Once married, the baby bug hit me quickly and intensely. DH and I talked and both agreed to shorten the wait to just over 1 1/2 married. We actually didn’t care about how long we were married, but picked a timeframe that we both agreed on and that was right. We were married December 2013 and will begin TTC July 2015. We hope to start house hunting about half way through a pregnancy and move into our first home just before baby arrives. We’ve been together 5 1/2 years, so we’ve had a lot of time “just the two of us”. In fact, when people say things like “You need time just the two of you!” that is often my reply- “We’ve had almost 6 years, I think we’re okay.” I don’t think there is necessarily a “too soon” as long as both parties are ready for fully committing to that decision.