Post # 1
Id love you advice with the following: we are not having kids due to venue space/numbers and wanting a rather adult/cocktail feel.
2 wives of my fiancées very close friends have given birth, and are breastfeeding. They have already expressed they may not be able to attend because they need to be with their babies.
We obviously feel this is a shame and have thought they could bring a childminder(they find/pay for) and come separately to other guests and set up the childminder/babies in a room upstairs.
The room is actually meant for us, the couple as our breakout room to have space with each other/chill out and is done up really romantically to reflect this – its not huge and when we do ‘escape’ for a few minutes will be quite a squash + with 2 babies, child minder there
Other guests may see the babies be bought in and think its a bit rich allowing them (they will be firmly closed away in a secluded room so not out in open, however)
I suggested this plan to the 1 wife and expected a little gratitude that we’d made arrangements for their baby to be there, she was like ‘oh whatever we will deal with it nearer the time’ and didn’t seem at all grateful we’d made allowances for their kids to be there and special arrangements (+ sacrifices!)
I feel- couldn’t they for our 1 day, just express milk/not make a fuss and try to be there whatever?
My fiancée travelled to the UK from US for their wedding and has been a big figure in all their weddings/kids/celebrations over the years, for once could they be happy for him/us and try to make amends their end?
Should I stick with my suggestion and try not to be bitter or can my fiancé subtly suggest to his friends why cant they express their milk and leave with a child minder- for the 1 day?!
Post # 3
I think nursing infants should be accommodated even if the wedding is otherwise child-free.
Post # 4
I think if your wedding is an Adult ONLY reception then it’s the parents choice to decide whether they can or cannot part with their baby for one evening. Even breastfeeding there are other arrangements they can make with their breast milk.
I don’t think you need to make other allowances. Where do you draw the line? Toddler babysitting?
Post # 5
I think that you are in two different places emotionally. She is concerned about her child and you are concerned about your wedding. Both of which is understandable. But you need to realize that her first priority is not going to be your wedding and instead is going to be her child and not wanting to be away from it.
Not all women who nurse will bottle feed as well. Some women are afraid the baby will develop nipple confusion and therefore will nto use a bottle. It is possible that one or both of these mothers are like this.
Post # 6
I would give them the option of staying home or coming without the baby. You have done more than enough to accomodate them, and if they aren’t ok with that, then maybe they shouldn’t come. My SIL came with our at the time 5 month old nephew (the cutest ring bearer in the history of weddings, IMO) and there was a closed off section of the venue that she went and nursed him,and no one even knew. It was her 3rd child, so she was very go with the flow.
I don’t think that you should have to make accomodations if you are doing an adult only reception, and the fact that you did means you went above and beyond
Post # 7
I would allow a nursing mother to bring their infant, as long as there was a suitable room/area she could nurse or go to if the baby were to get fussy! =)
Post # 8
@Gerbera: I agree with this. No kids is no kids. It’s not impossible to make arrangements when babies are strictly breastfed. That’s why they have tools for expressing milk. My only concern is the travel part. If they are travelling from afar, you may need to set up a sitter outside your venue… maybe at the sitters house. Give your guests referrals so they can make their own arrangments. Not sure if that’s good etiquette, but it’s what I’d do.
After all, when you make exceptions for one or two… you’ll have to make exceptions for the rest.
Post # 9
@sailor: Agreed only because I have been to two different weddings for my FI and his family and no one said anything about the one baby allowed because she was breastfeeding. I think it was pretty apparent to the other guests why she was allowed to bring her child. Obviously a two month old is a bit different than a two year old in soooo many ways.
Post # 10
Thanks so much guys so interesting! They would travel about 30mins from both their homes, so not very far really…
Do you think there is there any way my fiancee, say when he gets a bit drunk with their hsbands brings it up + causually asked if they couldnt express their milk/if thats not an option for them?!
Its just they have just said really wearily (+ I feel a bit me me me, self important) ‘oh well of course with us breastfeeding we may have trouble attending’ as if they hadn’t even considered thinking about other otpions/expressing the milk + leaving baby with their sister/childminder etc etc !!
Post # 11
It’s both your choices and more things than just level of friendship is going to dictate those choices.
As a new mom I’m hesistant to go to a wedding right now that is babyfree. My daughter will take a bottle but right now she will only take one bottfle feeding and then wants to be breastfed. We have not gotten her to do two in a row yet and with travel times to the wecding, time between wedding and reception, we’d barely be there, or we’d have to have someone with a lot of patience who may have a screaming baby for hours, and honestly I don’t feel like it’s right to do that to someone so I can go to a wedding. Whiile I’d be appreciative of a babyminder, I’d have big hesitations about someone who I don’t know and it sounds like you don’t really know watching a couple of young babies. It sounds like both sides are trying to figure out something that works but it doesn’t mean they’re not your friend if they can’t make it work.
Whoops, I misread, I see that they’d find the childminder, that would work a lot better if they got to choose.
Post # 12
It seems to me like most nursing mothers have a breast pump and can freeze for the baby to drink later. All of the nursing moms that came to my wedding (three of them) left the babies at home, because they wanted an excuse to get out and about for a change. I really think you should just keep it an adults only reception and they can make arrangements if they want. One of my bridesmaids was nursing at the time of the wedding and she left the baby with her MIL all day without any problem. She has a pump though.
Post # 13
If it were me I would tell my friends to bring their baby along. If they are only a few weeks old they will be sleeping most of the time anyway. I don
t have kids but if someone asked me pump milk just so I could come to their wedding (assuming I normally dont) I would be offended.
Post # 14
Even if they did express their milk you would still have to provide a room for them to do that in. You don’t pump out all of your milk before you go somewhere. You pump it as it comes in (which is usually at regular feeding times). Either way you would need to provide a room if you expect them to come.
Post # 15
Ooh…I totally understand not having kids there because of the count and all BUT I really dislike it when the invite says “No children”. I have two of my own. The guest buys a wedding gift then pays a babysitter. Not truely bothersome just a little annoying. It is the bride and grooms choice and it’s respected.
The 2 wives should be a bit appreciative of the fact that you tried to find an alternative for them but it doesnt mean they have to like the idea. I think most women are very over protective and set in there ways with their newborns especially. Hence….1. they may not feel comfortable with a random person watching there baby and 2. IF someone is STRICTLY breast feeding than it’s not right to ask a mother to potentialy mess up the feeding pattern for a wedding. On top of that they will have to find a pump that works for the mother. Dont be bitter, things may change before the wedding. They may find there own sitter or the child no longer wants to breast feed. I would bring it up again, but remember it’s hard for anyone to get mother to waiver what they feel is best for their baby. Not you, not anybody….It’s not personal.
FYI: I’ve been a guest at no children weddings multiple times and it would never bother me if I saw a couple little babies. Most parents would be understanding of this.
Post # 16
If these babies are breastfeeding now, they will be another 4 months older by the time of the OP’s wedding.
To the OP: You have already gone above and beyond the call of duty by offering a room and a sitter for the moms to pop up to check on and nurses the babies.
You could offer them the opportunity to bring their own sitter-they could share the expense- if they are uncomfortable using yours.
They made a choice to have children. You have the right to choose to have a child free ceremony and reception.