Baby announcement crashed and burned… what next?

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
852 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

It sucks being the adult when you don’t want to. But you will do it, because you feel you should. I’d write a bright and breezy note back and focus on the baby excitement.

Post # 3
751 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

eocenia:  ugh, i feel like this post could be written by me in a few years…. Commenting to follow.

Post # 4
2064 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 1987

You MIL has sent an olive branch.  If you feel up to it then do the same.  It does mean that you can communicate more fully.  It doesn’t mean that you have to stand for any bad behaviour from her in the future.  She deserves her second chance but she’s got to behave properly.

Then just concentrate on the good news.

Post # 6
2871 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

eocenia:  I think a key part of forgiveness that many people do not practice or understand is that by forgiving someone you are giving up your right to throw the issue back in their faces later. I think your MIL is still working on forgiving you and isn’t all the way there yet, kind of you like you with her. I think you both need to choose sincere forgiveness for a healthy relationship to ensue. Here is what I would write back to her if I were you in your shoes,

“MIL, thank you for sending this email. I’ll admit that what you said yesterday hurt me and DH deeply and brought back the pain of old wounds. However, thank you for apologizing. I do forgive you. Also, thanks for working on forgiveness towards me for our past problems. I do hope that the joy of our new baby can be the start of a new relationship between all of us and that we can leave the past in the past. I am very excited for the baby and I hope this grandchild will be a blessing to you as well. Let’s start new. ~eocenia”

Post # 7
643 posts
Busy bee

eocenia:  Can you elaborate a bit more on what happened to trigger this 2 years ago? What was the episode about? That may provide insight into why things are so tense. 

Based on the info that you’ve provided, I would reply in a manner that focuses on the future. Don’t even address the past or engage in a useless and circular dialogue. It will get you nowhere except annoyed. 

I’d say, “Thank you so much for reaching out. I am so excited to share our good news with you and I can’t wait for our family to expand. Congratulations, grandma!”

It shows you’re the bigger person and so “over it” that it doesn’t even need to be addressed. This, of course, is provided you want her as a part of your life and baby’s life. 

My MIL is terribly irritating as well and we have also had a falling out. It doesn’t make things easy and I’m not sure why grown ass adults feel the need to act like children. The only thing you can control is your own reaction so don’t feed into it. 

Post # 8
1202 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

It’s time to put this all behind you.  Anger, resentment, frustration, annoyance- these feelings aren’t good for anybody.  She wrote an apology note (albeit a rather passive aggressive one), so be gracious and reply back that you also want to move forward and leave any unpleasantness behind.  I’m sure there’s lots of blame to go around but it doesn’t matter who did or said what, being on civil (if not friendly) terms with your in-laws is best for your own health and peace of mind.

If she is a very toxic person, then by all means never speak to her again, but if this is all because of a 2 year old argument- move on.  

Post # 10
7920 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

I think you should find the courage and compassion to forgive her and let go of your anger. A fresh start for your baby. It truely does not serve anybody to hold onto grudges- certainly not yourself.

ask her to lunch and make peace. Apologize and say youd like a fresh start. She’ll apologize too. Then let it go! 

Post # 11
2871 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

eocenia:  I’m glad to be of help! Best wishes!

Post # 13
5883 posts
Bee Keeper

From a Mom’s point of view, why did you not both get on the phone and give her the news at the same time? I really don’t see where she said anything wrong that would have turned your announcement into a battle. If you clearly were not on speaking terms, and he chose to tell his parents the good news himself, why was what she asked so terrible? I’d have been shocked if just my daughter called to tell me she was expecting without involving my SIL and would have asked to speak to him too.

If your relationship with her is completely strained, I get why he did it himself, but you shouldn’t have been so surprised and upset by what ultimately happened. She’s reached out now and all you can do is accept it or let things continue on as they have been. I think nobody will be a winner in this scenario.

Post # 14
187 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Villa Celeste

As you said in the original post, you have both treated each other poorly and made bad decisions. To be fair, that’s life and things don’t always work out storybook as we would hope so. That being said, at this point I think it’s time to bury the hatchet. I understand that you may still harbor resentment towards her. Would it be possible for you to have a one on one conversation with her, and try to talk some of these issues out? If not, I think the best you can do is to call it water under the bridge and move on with your life. She is going to be your child’s grandmother, and I think that moving forward in the relationship will be better for everyone involved. You, your MIL, your husband and future child. 

With all due respect, I don’t think that your MIL was being rude when she asked your husband that. Perhaps it could have been worded a bit differently, but I think that’s appropriate to ask when you haven’t been on good/speaking terms with her. Understandably, she doesn’t want to cross that boundary. 

If it were me, I would move forward. I don’t know what happened between you two, but at this point you’re both only hurting yourselves by holding onto these negative feelings. 

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