Post # 1
I’m 31. DH is 32. We’ve been together 10 years this October and married 3 months this coming Sunday.
I want a baby. NOW.
Most of my friends are pregnant or have babies around a year old. Every time I see them I get this massive pang in my heart, I want a baby.
I know DH wants babies too but he’s a ‘the time isn’t right’ or ‘we have to do x first’ person. He’s getting better at understanding that timing is never perfect, but now he wants us to have a house first. That’s likely at least 18 months away (and he thinks I’m being optomistic saying 18 months).
I’m getting ‘old’, I’m terrified that when we start to try we’re going to have issues (I’m a negative thinker). My friends all fall in to 2 categories. Preggers on the first try (or less than 3 months) or several years and miscarriages. I’m really worried we’ll be the latter.
I just don’t know what to do. I know I can’t pressure him to have babies NOW. But I don’t know how to talk to him to explain my feelings without him feeling like I’m pressuring him (he’s told me that he feels like I pressure him in to things – I have a bit of a bossy/overbearing personality sometimes…)
All advice is welcome.
Post # 2
I agree with you that there is no perfect time, however we started trying before we bought our house and we didn’t get pregnant until after buying and I have to admit, I’m really glad it didn’t happen before the house. I am afraid that with childcare expenses and other costs, buying a house would have been a much bigger challenge than it was and we may have been stuck renting for much longer than we wanted to.
Post # 3
Maybe you can try to strike up a compromise, like starting TTC in about 9-10 months? Then you’ll be in a house/almost in a house when the baby is born. I think your concerns are reasonable.
Post # 4
If this doesn’t make him want one I don’t know what will 🙂
Post # 5
I’m in a similar boat except we haven’t been together as long. Last year 5 friends and 3 cousins had babies, this year there are 4 more pregnant… I can’t deal!!
My ovaries literally ache everytime I see SO with a child, no matter what age…. sigh
I haven’t exactly gotten a time frame for baby from SO but with a weddign next year I’d like to start trying immediately. If he had 18months in his head, I’d hope to meet in the middle.
Post # 6
It took us five cycles to get our BFP and already during cycle two I was starting to feel stressed about it. Your concern that it might not be super easy to become pregnant is a very valid one and something that you both need to take into consideration as you do have a somewhat limited timeframe. As pp’s have said, I would try to strike a compromise – perhaps deciding that you’ll start TTC by this time next summer.
Post # 7
I totally feel you! I had my first at 19 (not with FI) and we’ve been together for 7 years now and getting married next year. We won’t be trying until after the wedding but I am dyyyyyyying! My best friend had a baby in March and another bestie just found out shes pregnant again! I am wicked excited but damn I feel like I’m just way behind. I also had an IUD for 5 years (up until last october when i had it taken out) and for some reason I have this tiny thought in my head that what if it caused problems I don’t know about yet. I’d much rather start now and see what happens, but I think I may be setting myself up for a lot of stress if we do that. We own a home in another state and rent our current house. We will have to sell our AZ house in order to buy a house in NE and I think on top of planning a wedding, adding a baby into that would be nuts! We also don’t have a lot of room where we are now so I think it would be a stress in that respect as well.
Maybe you could convince him to start the house buying process earlier? That way it won’t take as long? I do recommend waiting for the house to be bought though unfortunately 🙁
Also I’m not sure of your circumstances right now but 18 months seems like a reeeeally long time to buy a house. When we bought ours it only took about 5 months from when we started looking until we closed and were moving acrossed the country!
Good luck dear! And know that you are not the only one in this boat!
Post # 8
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
He’s telling you that he’s not ready, and that he has certain goals he wants to achieve first. It’s fine for you to express why you think you are ready for this next step, but you need to respect that he just isn’t there yet. Mr. LK had some rather odd (to me) things that he wanted to check off of his list before trying, like taking a specific, and expensive, class related to his hobby that would give him the skills to achieve a life goal. He acknowledged that he could still take this class when I’m pregnant or after LO arrives, but he felt a strong need to achieve this goal before we start trying. Fine by me. My only request was that he made sure this goal was achieved within a certain timeframe so as not to delay TTC any longer than is necessary. For us, his goal + my requested timeframe for achieving that goal = successful compromise.
Many guys have very specific markers in the minds about what it means to be “ready” for a big step, whether that step is living together, getting married, having babies, etc. Rather than try to convince him that his mental markers are inappropriate, try to work with him to set a concrete schedule, with intermediate steps and timelines to achieve those big goals. For example- okay, SO, you want to buy a house before we TTC. We want a house in X price range, which means we need to save up Y for the downpayment, closing costs, and house emergency fund. At our current sazings rate of $Z per month, it will take us B months to save up that money. If we cancel cable, scale back our cell phone plans, etc., we can save an additional $A per month, reducing our savings timeline by C months. Then we can start shopping. I think that, since we the houses we are looking at in our price range seem to be pretty common, it should take us 2-3 months to find a house, and then another 1-2 months to close on it. That means we are buying a house in D months/years and can immediately start TTC at that time. What do you think of this plan?
Seeing it all laid out like that can go two ways. One, he may realize that it will take much longer than he originally anticipated to achieve the goal, and may reconsider the need to postpone TTC until it is achieved. Or two, he is very comfortable with the timeline, and at least now you will have a plan you are both committed to, and that you can take some comfort in because at least now you are not in limbo anymore.
Post # 9
lovekiss: see your plan that you laid out – he would flip. That would be me pressuring him. That’s exactly the way I think.
We actually have a downpayment. DH has a healthy pension at work that we can transfer some of to use as a downpayment via the Canadian Home Buyers Plan (His suggestion – not mine).
HE has massive student loan payments that are almost done (abotu 18 months), my student loans will be gone in a couple of months once his are done. We have some credit debt that we want to get paid off and we’re making progress. We can get it all paid off in 18-24 months and that’s where the house timeframe comes in.
I’m just afraid that in 18 months there will be another reason to wait. 2 years doesn’t seem like a long time, but i’ll be 33, that means I’ll be 51 when baby #1 graduates high school and if we want to have more than one…
I respect that he doesn’t feel ready, but I also feel like he doesn’t respect my concern. It’s a 2 way street. I can’t force him to do something he doesn’t feel we’re ready for, but that shouldn’t make my feelings or concerns less valid either.
Post # 10
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
MsGinkgo: I see. If facts are “pressure”, then he is clearly responding emotionally to the issue. And if emotions are what is driving him, then that’s even more of a reason to wait. He’s not there yet. And as difficult a pill as that is to swallow, and as unfair as it feels to you, no amount of logic or compromise on your end is going to change that. Can you try to get underneath of that initial pushback, peel back the layer of “I want to achiexe X first” and see what emotions are underlying that statement? If “achieveing X first” is a cover for deeper feelings, then addressing those deeper feelings is the only way to make any real progress. Is he concerned about the huge responsibility of parenthood? Worried about being able to meet the financial demands of raising a baby? Worried about the loss of sleep? The strain it may put on your relationship? Whether he will be a “good Dad”? Whether you guys have enough time to devote to childrearing? Worried about not being comfortable around babies and small children? Etc.
Post # 11
I had a lot of things I wanted to accomplish before I got married and had the baby discussion with my husband, so I can understand where he is coming from. I only trusted myself to develop baby fever once I had hit a certain number of years at a job with a solid maternity leave policy. I think it depends what he is scared of – is he scared of teh finances, etc, because that is totally reasonable. Personally, I’m the earner in my family, and his parents do not support that, which means I needed to be comfortable with shutting my mother in law down before we talked about having kids. That said, I’m 31, just had my paragard out, and am TERRIFIED that I’m infertile.
Post # 12
I want a baby too, so I can sympathize. We have things on our To-do list that need to be checked off first as well. It’s tough. I’m not as old as you, so I do feel like I have some time, but if I were your age, I’d probably being going nuts for the same reasons you are.
I think that PP had a great idea of planning to TTC before you buy the house, but such that you’re pregnant when you buy. Then you’ll have time to get settled before the baby comes.
In the meantime… keep yourself busy. Read up on pregnancy to make sure you do all you can when you’re ready to TTC. That’s what I’ve been doing. It works for the most part.
Post # 13
Well, we went open-housing this weekend and even though the house buying is in the 12-18 month plan this is the first time that DH has indicated an interest in looking AND he wants to go again this weekend. We live in a high pressure market where you often only have a day or 2 to buy or you miss out. We know we want a townhouse so we’re looking around at what developments/builders/boards we like so when we are ready we’ll feel ready.
He was also evaluating the houses we saw on how baby friendly they were – which is awesome.
I feel better now 😀
Post # 14
MsGinkgo: well, i have no advice for you. but i am here to tell you that i am in the same boat as you. i want a baby now!
but my rational side takes over me and tells me its not the right time. we are doing a lot of traveling over the next few months and i don’t want to risk getting pregnant and not be able to enjoy myself. I am also in the process of losing weight. i would not be comfortable getting pregnant right now because of my weight.
ON top of all that, we will be moving soon as our lease is up on our apartment in Jan. so i want to find a new place first.
A house for us won’t be for quite some time as we live in a very expensive area, so we will have to save for a few years first.
I get the same pangs, everytime i see a baby or hear someone is pregnant i get so upset. I am happy for the parents to be, but so sad that i have to wait til its the right time. i am hoping by early next year we can start trying.