I think I have lost the plot. All I think about is babies, being pregnant, having a child, being a mother. It's 24/7 - never a break! Its really getting me down. Everybody is telling me (including my fiance) that now isnt the right time - we havent bought a house, and I am still at Uni (graduate next year). To me, owning a house isn't what is important right now, I am happy to rent for a few years first but my fiance is 150% against renting. I want a family, and I want to start living my life. A house can come at any time - be it in 10 years time. I just want to feel better, I've never in my life felt so alone about something - please help?
Don't assume a baby/being a mom will be the answer to all your prayers and bring you great joy. It is frickin hard, way harder than anyone could imagine and you don't know what you'll wind up with. My neighbor has a 12 year old autistic son who screams, cries, and tantrums all the time. Enjoy your freedom while you have it because having a child is a gamble; you don't know what you'll end up with. Finish school, get a house, nurture your relationship, then have kids. Don't have tunnel vision over this.
@BabyBrain: It seems people have already given you (excellent) reasons not to and you still can't get it off your mind. I'm not sure what any of us can say to sway you. However, if I were you I would have a few other things I would be focusing on rather than a baby. How old are you? I say you finish school and work on a home and career first. Are you married yet? How long have you been with FI? I would try and shift my focus. Also try and find other things that fulfill you.
I'm only 21, young I know. This was never my plan, I was so academically and career focused, I was going to live at home until my career was stable bla bla bla. Then I met FI, and amongst some other family issues, we ended up living together after a year. We have been together 3.5 years, lived together 2.5 years. I'm still very focused on Uni, and my job as a childcare worker - I just feel like it's time to start a family. We've done everything we want to do together, holidays, date nights, late nights, weekends away, bought a puppy - that plan worked for all of three weeks and now I'm back to square one. I'm ready for my life as a mother - I want my life to be about being a mother. We don't have a wedding date as FI wants to buy a house before anything. Problem is - I'm going to be a teacher. So I'll be working as a casual for a long time - which is great pay and regular work in Australia, but ultimately the bank still sees it as casual - so buying a house could be years and years and years away yet. But FI refuses to rent in order to start our lives.
People can't just have a baby because it's "the next step in our lives". That alone leads me to believe that you definitely are not ready to have a child. You are only 21 years old and your fiance is absolutely right that you need to finish college/wait a few years. Being together for 3 years is nothing. The both of you haven't even gotten married yet or had time to just chill out and enjoy being married. Do you want a screaming infant on the plane ride to your honeymoon?
I think you just need to take a deep breath and find something else to do that will take your mind of this.
I am not going to have a baby - I came here to find support, maybe someone to say it'll be OK. I get plenty of negativity from everyone in my family. All I wanted was somewhere I could talk without being told what I want is wrong. If I had acted on my WANTS then that would suggest I'm not ready for a baby. I know I am ready for a baby - we both are. Just not financially. Hence why there is no baby. I wanted support. Not to be yelled at some more.
No one is yelling at you. You got a lot of good advice. If you post your issues on a public forum, you're going to hear things that aren't patting you on the back and telling you everything you want to hear.
I'm being told that being together for three years means nothing - it may not be the longest relationship in the world yet - but more has happened in that three years than most couples deal with in their entire marriage. Advice I appreciate - but being patronised like that is simply disrespectful. I might be young but i am by no means naive or stupid.
First of all, I just want to say that I understand your deep desire to be a mommy! I am there too and once that feeling came last year, there was no getting rid of it. My DH and I are 30 and have been together for over 10 years, so I definitely feel like I'm beyond ready. We both have stable jobs and bought a house and I could not be happier that we waited this long to start the process. I by no means think that owning a house is prerequisite to having a baby, there are many many people who rent and have babies, however, if a house is possible then waiting a bit longer to get a stable job and a house is totally worth it. Also, there is no magical age when having a baby is right. No one can say for sure when is the best time for you personally to start TTC, but one thing is sure--you have to be on the same page with your SO or it will go horribly wrong. It does not sound like your FI is on board just yet, so in the mean time I would suggest for you to focus on your career, saving up some money, doing some more travelling, getting as fit as possible, and if you'd like, start researching baby things just to satisfy those "cravings" a bit. If buying a house is not reasonable any time soon, maybe you should talk to your FI and discuss a more realistic timeline that both of you would be happy with. Hang in there!
@BalticBee thank you for your advice. I know having a baby right now isn't the smart thing to do - and seeing as I'm the sensible daughter, waiting is my only option. It's just super super hard. Its been over a year feeling like this, and seeing friends from school having babies, and the parents at work who's children I love more than they do. I think more than anything I'm looking for someone to understand, but noone around me does! He is on board for a baby, but not for a baby now, so at least I know its coming! If I could see some progress with the house situation it would probably be easier to wait - but saving feels like we're going nowhere fast! Which just puts a baby further and further back.
"A house can come at any time - be it in 10 years time. I just want to feel better, I've never in my life felt so alone about something - please help? "
I'm helping you by telling you that your family/fiance are right in advising you to wait. Nowhere in your post did it say that you didn't want to hear anyone say anything that would oppose your views. Nobody is yelling or patronizing you. You just view it that way when someone points out that your reasons for wanting a child are not good ones.
I found it rather insulting of you to tell me that my relationship is nothing - that is what offended me.
@BabyBrain: I hear ya! I am baby AND wedding crazy lol double whammy! I totally empathise with how you're feeling.. I live vicariously through friends who are pregnant/have children and I cannot WAIT for that to be me! Don't worry about people being negative, they don't know you're situation or you as a person so they can't pass judgement - you can't deny your feelings! I know there are a lot of things to come for my SO and I before babies which makes it hard sometimes, but when I'm getting super clucky, I make lists of baby names, dote on all the babies in my life, pin nursery ideas etc on pinterest.. as if I actually am expecting! It settles that niggly feeling for a while! And don't worry, while some people certainly aren't ready for children at a young age, others are amazing at it! My mum was 19 when she had me and is/has been the most incredible, selfless, wonderful mother to me and my brothers. I have other friends who have had children in their early twenties and are far better mothers than woman I know who are in their mid/late 30's and financially stable! I'm in my mid-twenties so getting closer to the age where you don't get so many side eye's for wanting children but honestly, it's a completely personal situation and if you want babies, don't be ashamed of it! You sound like you will be a wonderful mother when it happens for you guys :)
@BabyBrain: Like I said, I know exactly how you feel since I dealt with it myself for a while! The great thing is that your FI is on board with the concept of a baby one day. Maybe the timeline will change and get moved up earlier if you both decide that it is the right time for you. :) In a way, there is never a perfect time or reason to have kids, but being better off financially I'm sure helps. I know that perhaps the people around you may not fully understand this baby fever, but trust me there are plenty of girls on the WB who will. There are some posts for the girls who are waiting to TTC and a post with bucket list ideas for those that are trying to take their minds off the constant baby thoughts. Hope the wait to TTC is not too long for you!
@Miss_E_xx thanks very much for saying I'd be a wonderful mother - it has to be best thing I've heard all day! I want a baby so much, that I can 100% convince myself that I am pregnant, while at the same time knowing I'm not - it messes with my mind so badly!!! Pinterest is my favourite thing in the world! I am starting to persue cake making as a little adventure to hopefully ease it a little. And thanks for telling me not to be ashamed - thats a big thing for me, i always worry about what people are thinking of me!
Ok I was married quite young (21, technically 1 month from 22) and I want to tell you that having babies isnt everything. I look at girls that I went to school with who have kids and I used to want what they had, I wanted a family of my own but decided against it. I sat down and really thought things through and you know what? I was kidding myself. Do I really want what they have? They all live in rental houses working their asses of to make ends meet because they weren't financially ready when they had their children. The thing that holds me back from having them is thinking that I want more than that for myself and buy future kids. I want to be established financially, I want a home of my own ( which I now have) I want a good strong career so that I can stay home with my kids if I choose to, I want to be able to send them to good school, be able to travel with them and provide them with the things they need to be well rounded, knowledgable adults. Having kids young more often than not means you don't get to do or give them those things. You can't return a baby, once you have it the next 20 years of your life are no longer yours. It's not like in 5 years you won't be able to have a baby and in better circumstances. You need to make sure you have done everything you wanted to before you have kids. Thinking of all those things makes me want to wait till I'm closer to 28/29 to have kids.
@babybrain I know you have been given a lot of advice.. And as a fellow baby brainer I know it's not really all you wanted To hear. I am young also and am in the exact same boat and I just feel like if you think it's time and your FI is too then go for it! Be somewhat financially stable and love where you are in life. There is never a perfect time for this stuff you have to follow your heart not your head and do what you think is right.
i wish you the best.
Oh and to anyone who had kids young, I meant no offense haha different strokes for different folks :)
@BalticBee the bucket list idea sounds great! Like this cake making adventure I'm going to try! I know I will want to give my children the best of the best - particularly education and opportunity wise, so finances are significant to me, hence why I'm commited to waiting. Ive swapped from the pill to the depo shot so im only reminded every three months not every night that im actively preventing motherhod! I'm hoping spending extra time around friends who have babies (and perfect babies at that!) will make him more clucky. When we come home from their house I can see it in him - but its gone by the next day, just need that feeling to stick with him! :)
I wrote this for a friend who has baby fever recently. You don't know my story, but I was TTC for a long time and my husband and I recently stopped for school/career reasons. These are things that I think you should think about! =) PS I am 22 as well, so I can totally relate to you!!!! =)
Remind yourself of your goals and things you wanted to do before baby. write a pre-baby bucket list, include buying a house and completing school on that list.
Babysit a 2 year old with tantrums during naptime and don't let them nap. Do this a few times. Or spend a day in pediatrics during "shots" season. The screams. will. get. to. you.
Even when it's someone else's child, it helps remind you how tough kids are and reality checks you into thinking "Am I REALLY ready for this? Do I REALLY wanna give up sleeping in yet?" Etc. what helped me the most was working in pediatrics and seeing special needs children.
Absolutely NOTHING against special needs kids, I think mothers of special needs kids are amazing people that deserve a few (hundred) gold stars in heaven, but it's real and it happens. You have to ask yourself if you're really ready for a child with autism or down's or some crazy genetic disease you'd never expect, because before I started working in peds I never thought it could happen to me. I'm young and healthy, so is he, right? Wrong. It was such an eye opener. It's not just dirty diapers and sleepless nights for those moms. You're strong, you could handle whatever you're dealt, but you really have to chew on that possibility for a while before making that decision! hope that helps and of course, dirty diapers and sleepless nights are no walk in the park either!
The last facet that you need to think about: My husband and I were trying for a year and it wasn't working... We saw the doctor and both of us have infertility issues. It put such a huge strain on our marriage... I can't stress it enough. Medications made me crazy, had side effects (migraines like you wouldnt believe, hot flashes, emotional outbursts) PLUS they never ended up working. He had to take cranberry pills and supplements and we were constantly going in for tests... It was so hard and stressful. Before I knew it I was blaming myself and here we are months later and I'm going to counseling, he's on anti-anxiety medication... I don't mean to scare you, but infertility is SO HARD. The hardest thing I've ever had to deal with in my life. So I think it's important that you guys discuss what you would do should there be a problem, have a financial plan in line, and be ready emotionally. It's tough. Every month it doesn't work it wears you down. Every loss (we had one miscarriage) breaks you and tears you apart. I'm sure you've thought about it but just in case you hadn't I wanted to share.
@Charlie89 finances are the one and only thing holding me back - and thats purely because I want for my children all of those things you mentioned. I want well adjusted children who are capable and compassionate and intelligent and wonderful and I want them to be able to make the most of those things with the opportunitiies I provide. So as sad as it is - money is the only ruling factor as to whether or not I act upon my wants. I graduate in November next year, but can start teaching next September - so hopefully the housing market is ideal for us then! When I say next year it sounds so much nicer, even if it is really still two years away!
@ChuckNorris I completely understand what you're saying about special needs children - and this is another reason I'm choosing to wait until we're financially stable (as hard as it is and as much as it makes me cry to wait) we have two boys at work who have severe autism amongst other disorders - having them for 8 hours a day 5 days a week is hard enough, I have the utmost respect and admiration for their mother I'm sure she has to be some sort of saint! My cousin was also born with a potentially fatal illness, and being exposed to that is what really keeps me stuck on this idea of finances too. As well as the emotional stress it would plce on the whole family. Having said all that - its still so so so so so so so hard to wait!!!
Also, in regards to infertility, that is my one and only biggest fear in the world. I cannot imagine the stress, i get depressed now when I'm not pregnant and there is almost 0% chance of it happening. My mother lost a baby when I was 9, and it wasn't until last year when I started wanting a baby that I really mourned for that baby, the thought of having another sister is amazing - although, if it did work out perfectly, I wouldnt have the little sister I do now, and I wouldnt change her for the world!
@skippatoller7 thanks for the support! If we were ready in every way, I wold for sure be going for it! But this money is holding me back. If money grew on trees, I'd be typing with a baby on my knee right now! I think thats why its so hard, we're ready in every way, except financially - which is sadly kind of significant! :)
@BabyBrain: I feel your pain. It seems like EVERYONE is pregnant but me! I don't think you necessarily need a house to have a baby if you intend on getting one before they are 3 (around the time long term memories are formed), however I do think you should get a job in your field first, just to get a feel for the day to day swing of things. Good luck!
@NaijaPuertoDorian: Thanks to my amazing university, and the large amount of practical work we do, I pretty much know how my days will go, as a teacher it CAN BE 8.30-3.30 if you organise yourself properly, and depending on the grade you are teaching. But yes, I feel having a stable house is important, I want them to feel the sense of warmth only home can bring. :)
@BabyBrain: You don't have a reason to be insulted because I didn't say that "your relationship is nothing", I said "3 years is nothing" because you said: "We've done everything we want to do together, holidays, date nights, late nights, weekends away, bought a puppy". There's no way that you could have done everything you've wanted to do with your fiance (before you've even gotten married) in three years. If thats the case, then I'd say it sounds like you are bored with your relationship and are looking to spice things up with a baby. Babies are not something you can just return like a PP mentioned.
@BabyBrain: I don't want to sound snarky or anything, but practicals and labs are pretty controlled, monitored environments. I'm talking full-on employed by the school district teacher, with parent-teacher conferences, preparing lessons, heck "bus duty" (I don't recall what its called for real when the teachers have to wait with the kids for pick ups). Several of my friends are teachers, and while college adequately trained them, they were not fully prepared until they were in the saddle, holding the reins. Also, once you have the baby, you may not want to work. While this is perfectly fine if you can afford staying home, it can be devastating if having to work makes caring for baby full time impossible. From the sound of it you highly value starting family, so you may have a hard time being away from a little one. Why not wait until your fiance has better financial standing to start a family?
@NaijaPuertoDorian: Our pracs put us in the teaching seat for a few weeks a year - complete with programming, reporting and duties, and meetings etc. But I do se what youre saying. As I've said, as much as I want a baby - financial standing is too critical, hence the waiting.
@BabyBrain: Glad I can help a fellow clucky mother-to-be-one-day! good for you finding a new hobby, cake making will come in handy one day for kids bday cakes ;) haha and I just noticed you're from Australia, me too! yay!
@BabyBrain: just wanted to say I completely understand! One day when I was 19 I woke up with baby fever and have had it ever since (I'm 25 now!). I'm sure it's biological because I knew then, and I know now too, that I definitely wasn't ready, but that only tames the fever so much. Just make sure you don't let it get the best if you until everything is right about the timing! Im sure I have a few years to go, but I think the wait will make it even better when the time comes!
@Miss_E_xx: Yay, Australia buddies we can be! I also like your wedding date - its probably more what mine should look like. But at the moment I've got my heart set on next March so there it will stay. haha. We will see, deciding whether to spend $7000 (im making it a super budget wedding, lucky my dad has a beautifulllllll heritage listed home) on a wedding, or to keep it for a home deposit! Decisions decisons!
@ivoryowl: Can I just ask...how have you survived so long? Ive been to two different counsellors and all they say is that time will come and bla bla bla...I need some coping strategies, cause quite frankly even if we do end up trying in 2 years, i dont know how much longer I can keep feeling like this! I'm just always upset and depressed.
@BabyBrain: Oh wow how exciting! Lot's of exciting things happening for you by the sounds of it! I'm still a waiting bee.. not engaged yet but I had to pick a wedding date when I made my profile which I thought was odd! I've already picked out my ring it's being custom made so just patiently (and I use that term very lightly as I'm not patient AT ALL) waiting for it to be finished so he can pop the question! We've talked about having roughly a two year engagement so I can totally milk the whole engagement/wedding thing and by then i'll be finished my masters so works out well! I think March in Aus is a beautiful time of year for a wedding, you've chosen well! :)
@Miss_E_xx: Similar to us! We have been engaged for a year, so by march next year it will be just over two years. And thats around when i'll be graduating - wow! so similar! haha. I'm so glad to have found someone in the same boat. Its all of a sudden made everything seem exciting and not so far away. I'm also very impatient....so this wedding had better happen next year! haha. Only problem there is that we are living with his mum while we save for a house - kinda awkward coming home from our honeymoon. haha.
You should join our thread 'waiting to TTC' There are lots of ladies who are having the itch but it isn't the right time right now....I find it helps me de-brief on my baby fever so I don't drive by husband crazy!
Pininterest is great as well...your time will come. Be patient. I know it's hard believe me. I am trying to slowly convince my husband that we are ready to take the plunge....it's esp hard when you're so ready and the other is not.
I think you should enjoy every moment you have before the time comes, try and focus your energy on being the best and healthiest person possible. Don't nag your SO or he will get fed up. realisically 1-3 years isn't long, make a timeline it helps...goodluck!
Ohhh I remember feeling that way when I was younger. I think because secretly I knew deep down that it wasn't actually a possibility, and so didn't actually worry about what having a baby would actually mean.
Now, I'm 26, and having a baby soon is absolutely achievable. But THAT scares me. Because I KNOW I'm not ready yet.
I suggest you find something else to fill your time. Plan a trip to Europe, create a bucket list - DO things whilst you're young and you can.
I agree you should join our threat on waiting to ttc, but I guarentee it will not help to get rid of baby fever. I started my baby fever in the fall when we thought we were having an oops baby. Turns out I was just really late and since then I have wanted a baby so bad. I tried to keep it to myself and just couldn't. I know that urge to be a mom that is just so difficult to ignore. I don't think you should ignore it, but just realize that it will be a while before it can happen. It doesn't mean you can't daydream about it and look at baby stuff. I also like the idea of putting together a baby bucket list. FI and I did that once we dicided on our ttc timeline. It helps with the wait definitely! Good luck.
@BabyBrain: stay strong !! You can do it! I think you have to try to remember that there are a lot of things you won't be able to do once you have a baby. Although I love the idea of having a baby, i try to focus in all the awesome things i can do now. Like move to Europe with FI! (yes, I could do this with a baby but traveling on weekends definitely won't be the same!)
also, remember that being a mom is all about putting the needs of your child before yours. a really good mom will then wait until the time is really right even if she has the fever, because that is what is best for your future baby!
to put it in perspective, when my fever hit I was a student, and I didn't even have a boyfriend. So in some ways I think that helped me realize that it is totally biological. I was wanting a baby because my hormones told me, not because I was in love or something. Now that I'm a bit more settled and engaged, I still planning to wait a few more years (but FI promised <5 lol!). Stay strong girl!!
I totally understand what you're going through. I had baby fever for a good two years before we started TTC. It's really hard. Especially when it seems like EVERYONE around you is having babies, and they are all you see when you go out. The main thing that helped me was focusing on other things. Once you have kids your life will never be the same. A lot of these changes are good, but traveling, nights out, and sleeping in become much more of a luxury post-baby. I was also in school at the time, so I tried as hard as I could to finishing strong there. Also you could throw yourself into wedding planning-- In my mind, I was able to focus on these tasks because I had the mentality of, "I HAVE to do this in order to get to the point where I can have a baby." Ha! I tried to focus on enjoying our life as it is... and honestly, the time really went by quickly. :)
@PinkMermaid: I think you need to respect that OP isn't here to be torn down. Your statement that "3 years is nothing" did come across as very condescending, to OP and to me as well.
I'm 23, as is DH. We dated for 8 months, got engaged, and were married after knowing each other 1.5 years. We built a house together. We're both done school and have jobs that we're happy with. I'm now 5 weeks pregnant. We conceived on the 2-year mark from when we met one another.
By your account of OP, we must be "bored" with each other and using a baby to "spice things up", but that isn't remotely true. We're both very mature for our age, we don't like to party, we travelled together a lot in the last year and a half, and we decided that we'd like to have kids early because we'd rather be done with kids by 45 and be able to travel again than to be hosting birthday parties for 10-year olds. We're stable and able to raise kids now, so that's what we decided to do. (Not judging older moms, but that's what we decided was best for us).
Weddingbee is a supportive community, not one for ripping people up. OP said she knows she can't have a kid yet, but that doesn't mean she can't want one. It's not fair of you to treat her like she doesn't know what she's talking about. I'm sure she knows her own situation much better than you do.
@BabyBrain: Good luck with school. I hope you'll do well and have your house and wedding soon. I'm also a supply teacher, but DH alone was able to apply for our mortgage and we're doing fine. You'll do fine too!
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