Post # 1
I’m turning 31 in a few months and husband and I have been married for a little over 2 years. Now I feel like everyone around me is pregnant or already has kids and I’m getting behind. I’m not sure if I’m ready for it, but feel like I should because my clock is ticking. Chances of more complications are greater after you’re 34 so I want to be done around then. If I want 2 kids, I have to get pregnant ASAP. If no complications occur and I get pregnant at 31 I’ll have baby #1 at 32 and then will wait a year to have the next one. I don’t know. It seemed like I had a lot of time when I first got married but now that I am looking at the timeline I’m crunched for time. And that’s only if nothing goes wrong! My mom had trouble conceiving as well as my MIL, so I’m a little worried it will take longer.
It seems like my husband isn’t ready. He talks about it but in the seemingly distant future. I’ve tried talking to him about it but he never gives me a clear answer of a real timeline. And honestly, it’s hard to keep my emotions in check. I am always on the verge of tears when talking to him about this because I feel like I don’t have any control over it. I waited 10 years for him to propose to me and now I feel like I’m getting back in the same waiting situation again. While I don’t want to pressure him because I want him to be ready, I also want to have some sort of say in the timeline of our life. It’s just so frustrating. We are financially secure and have enjoyed our first years of marriage by ourselves. I feel like he just doesn’t want to grow up and he’s stuck in a phase of wanting cars or other expensive things more than a family. We are in the process of trying to buy a home. I figured after we get the home then he’d be on board for a baby. But now this home thing keeps getting pushed back and that means the baby is too. =(
He has expressed some concerns in me getting pregnant. #1- I’ll lose my figure, #2- I’ll love the baby more than him, #3- baby is an endless money pit. I’m thinking this may be why he has cold feet about it. But he has said he wants kids! And I straight up told him I couldn’t promise I would get my figure back after baby. I’ll try but no guarantees.
We’ve also only been using the pull out method ever since we got married and that’s been 2 years. Do you think this is a bad sign for us?
So yeah, I can’t tell if I have baby fever vs. feeling like my clock is ticking. Like I said, if we had an accident now we would deal with it, and I’m not 100% ready to have a baby (is anyone ever?) but I’m closer than my husband is. So what do you think I should do? I don’t want to look back and regret anything. Am I overreacting about running out of time?
Post # 3
#1 – selfish pig.
#2 – yes you will. The baby doesn’t say stupid shit like “you’ll lose your figure”. It just loves. (but it doesn’t mean the love you have for him is diminished in any way, just so you know).
#3 – only if you let it. they don’t have to be.
Post # 4
I think you need to address your husbands concerns. His concerns, however, tell me that you are dealing with a man who is probably not a “giver”. He is concerned with himself…. mostly. As long as you KNOW that, and you understand that YOU will be the one who has to give…. then you can just let him know what you will do to compromise on what he is concerned about.
While I agree that his concern that you will lose your figure is a bit shallow on his part…. it IS a valid concern. There ARE men who are not attracted to pregnant women and who are not attracted to women who gain weight (I say this as a larger woman). So first you need to clarify if he thinks he would be not attracted to you WHILE you are pregnant or if he is worried that you will gain a bunch of weight during your pregnancy and then not lose it after? I think you lay out what your plan is….. tell him your timeframe for working on your post-baby bod to get it back to pre-baby shape. Do you have money for a personal trainer? Is this something that YOU also value?
The concern that you will love the baby more than him is a real concern for a lot of men. And let’s face it…. lots of women DON’T do a great job prioritizing their husband above their baby. And they SHOULDN’T. BABY COMES FIRST. At least for a while. But again…. lay out a plan. We will have date night once a week. That will cost this amount of money (for sitter and dates). You will have to make sure that you prioritize your time. That means if he wants part of your time to be dedicated to taking care of HIM and remembering to ask about his day etc.. then you will need help caring for the baby and working around the house.
As far as babies being an endless money pit…. you just set a budget. Then that is what you do. Do babies cost money? YES. But how much is up to you.
The bottom line, though is that if he doesn’t want a baby and he isn’t willing to compromise and give things up in exchange for being a father…. then I wouldn’t have a baby with him. I had a baby with a man who was selfish. It’s rough to be a single mom.
Post # 5
I’m with you! I just turned 35 and now I’m feeling like I’m “in a rush” to get pregnant! Had to wait until I found my life partner!
a few things about your post concern me, however. You waited 10 YEARS for him to propose?! Wow. Patient lady! You obviously felt he was worth it, and now you want to start a family. That’s natural! His comment about “your figure” is rude though. I hope you can talk that one out with him so he knows that hurts.
Since you’re already using the pull out method, you don’t have to let your body adjust to getting off hormonal birth control which is great. Honestly if I was you I would just discretely start initiating lots of sex from CD 10-16 and let nature take its course. Dont wait for him to be ready, don’t wait for the house. most men don’t really want to be involved or know about the charting, when your fertile, etc.
i think you need to take charge more! It sounds like you give him a lot of power in the relationship. But I don’t know you!
Post # 6
I have to disagree on just having lots of sex around your possible fertile time and taking his opinions out of it. It’s one thing to not share that you are ovulating, and another altogether to basically trick him into becoming a father.
IMO, you need to wait until you can have a rational conversation with him where you don’t start crying. Explain the facts to him – not all men know that women have a 20% chance each cycle, and how much age affects fertility.
But you chose this man as your husband. That means no cheating of any kind – whether it is sexually or by not telling him you are going to get pregnant. I agree that he sounds a little controlling, but you married him. So, nut up and talk to him or accept that not fully discussing your life plans before marriage may mean that babies have to be put on hold – perhaps forever.
Please do not take any of that the wrong way – I fully believe you can have a good talk and he’ll come around. But I have dated guys who cared about me loving a baby more, or not wanting to risk my figure, and those just weren’t the right guys for me. It was a non-negotiable for me when I met my husband that he needed to be on board with having a baby, and pretty quickly. Luckily, my DH is everything all those other guys weren’t – he isn’t a yes man, but he supports me and we share common dreams.
Post # 7
You two should go to counseling. If he really feels that way and cant realize that its wrong then im sorry to say but you may not want to spend the rest of your life with him! Especially with kids. . You never know what could happen in life. You could meet someone else and be married and pregnant in no time! Hope it works out for you.