Baby from a previous relationship..changing name after marriage

posted 3 years ago in Parenting
Post # 3
Member
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@Ninteenthchance:  Most judges won’t order that name change unless your new husband adopts your daughter.  If he’s not willing to adopt her, I wouldn’t change her last name because it would be really confusing for your daughter should you separate or divorce.  Giving her your husband’s name should be more about him loving and wanting her to be his daughter and not just about everyone having the same last name.

Post # 4
Member
3223 posts
Sugar bee

@Ninteenthchance:  Unless he is adopting her legally, I am not sure why you would change her name.

What happens if you were (heaven forbid) to get a divorce from this man? 

Post # 5
Member
5745 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2011

Correct, if her bio-father still has parental rights then you cannot change her name without his permission… and from my understanding it’s incredibly difficult to prove that it’s in the child’s best interest.

At some point we plan on going down the route of getting my DS’s bio-dads parental rights reliquinshed so DH can adopt him, but DS is already older so we’re waiting until he can understand more.

Hopefully bio dad doesn’t give you any trouble.

 

Post # 7
Member
1771 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

My daughter has her bio-dad’s last name and although I would like to give her FI’s last name once we’re married, I know her bio-dad would never agree to it. So after we marry she will still have a different last name than mine. I’ve just accepted it, even though I don’t like it, because without bio-dad’s consent there’s nothing I can do.

Post # 9
Member
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@Ninteenthchance:  If she had her dad’s name, I could understand you not changing it. However, she has your name…and now you will no longer have your name. That means she will have a name all by herself, and that doesn’t seem right. I say she either gets your new name, or else gets her dad’s name.

Post # 10
Member
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@Ninteenthchance:  That is what happened with my FI.  He never knew his bio dad and grew up with his mom’s last name.  He met his (step)father when he was 4 and after his mom married his (step)father, they had different last names.  When FI was older (10+) he wanted to change his name to his (step)father’s name so they went to court for ana doption and my FI told the judge he wanted to change his name.  He still misses using his mom’s name because it tied him to his grandad but he is glad he told his (step)father’s name as that is the only dad he knows.  When it came to whether I would change my name or not, my FI was adament that I change my name to the on he shares with his (step)father because it solidifies that bond even further.

Post # 11
Member
979 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Your SO could always change his name to match you and your daughter’s!

Beyond that, I don’t see the big deal. I grew up in a family where I had a different last name from my mom and my brother, it wasn’t a big deal, we were still a family. I had my dad’s last name but I was estranged from him.

Post # 12
Member
3360 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

@Ninteenthchance:  My brothers (half-brothers) were adopted by my dad when my parents got married, and so we all had the same last name.  Going in, they actually each had different last names (oldest bro had my mom’s maiden name, middle bro had their dad’s name as they got married between their births).  I do think, like others have said, that your DH would have to adopt your daughter to change her name, and bio-dad would have to give up his rights for that to happen.

I will say, though, that I don’t think it’s such a big deal if you have different names – it’s become a much more common thing in the last 15-20 years, so it’s not as if it will be something bizarre to friends or teachers.  If it’s in some way emotionally important to you, why not come up with some alternative?  DH could take your name, you could hyphenate so that you share both of their names, or simply keep your name and all future kids get your name or a hyphenated name or something.  There’s more than one option here 🙂

Post # 13
Member
5966 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

@Ninteenthchance:  I have my moms maiden name, my sister has my dad’s last name (we are from the same dad) and my youngest sister (half sister) has my stepdad’s last name which my mom still has. NO ONE CARES lol. We were all named what we were named for a reason based on circumstances at the time of our birth

 I think it would be really taxing on everyone to change a name only for the sake of all having the same last names. Plus, I do believe you need the bio dads permission unless he has signed over his rights. It’s a very messy process. I think you need to address the situation with the bio dad and his rights and role in your child’s life before you worry about the name.  either a) the bio dad is going to keep his rights but pay his support and be held accountable in court for his role as a parent (maybe you already have done that, more on that in a min). or b) get his rights terminated and have your FI adopt your child at which point the names change would come up.

The problem too is that if the bio dad refuses to give up rights, that would stop an adoption from happening. But it would make him accountable to pay child support. If you already get child support, asking for his rights to be terminated would also cut that as well. So as I said, it’s more important to figure out the direction you wish to try and go with the bio dad before worrying about a name change.

Post # 15
Member
2114 posts
Buzzing bee

@Ninteenthchance:  I like the idea of your SO changing his name to match yours and your daughters.

There is no way you ca  really prove the childs best interest until he has been out of the picture for years, atleast 2 with no contact. They usually only grant this in cases of abuse/neglect etc. He is paying child support, so they will not take those rights away from him concerning a legal name change.

Post # 16
Member
5966 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

@Ninteenthchance:  I think that’s the best option as well. I think that if the goal is for everyone to have the same last name, your FI should change his. He can do so after you get married and it will take minimal effort compared to trying to change your child’s name. Unfortunately you can’t force someone to want to take full advantage of their visitation rights, but the least you can do is still hold him accountable for he financial end of things.

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