Post # 1
Well, honestly, Im kinda in a pickle, not really sure what to do…So last night I had a dream that I was pregnant. It felt really real and I could see my belly and I was touching it and stuff, kinda weird. So today I told my FI about it and told him that it kinda scared me, it felt so real and I think Im scared of being pregnant now lol
He was actually happy with the fact that I was so scared about it and it really hurt my feelings! He is a teacher and has told me before that he doesnt want kids, but then he says he is just joking. I told him flat out: “At some point in my life, I am going to want children. If you dont feel the same way, then we shouldn’t get married.”
I guess it just kinda makes me sad because most men look at their wives and see their future children, but for some reason my FI doesnt feel that way. He is the sweetest, kindest, most selfless person I know and he would make a wonderful father. I know its irrational, but part of me feels like maybe he doesnt want to have a baby with me.
Ugh, I just dont know what to do :/
Post # 3
How old is your FI? He sounds like he has some growing up to do. Most men are not really ready to be fathers until into their 30’s. Agreeing on children could make or break your marriage so I would investigate further.
Post # 4
I don’t think it’s that he doesn’t want to have children with you I think it’s just something a lot of teachers experience. As a teacher myself I have occassionally (very rarely because I am SOOO excited to have kids) thought that I didn’t want kids. This usually happens when I have an especially challenging student or class or after a bad day. You have to remember that as a teacher he sees all kids of things with kids. He sees them when they’re tired, hungry, stressed, excited, sometimes abused, deprived, hurt, etc. He probably feels like he is already a parent to his students and the idea of bringing that home with him might be more than he can handle right now. I don’t think this means you will never have children I just think now isn’t the right time and he needs to have some time to separate his role as teacher and parent (it’s not as easy as one might assume!).
None of this is an excuse for him to say that he’s happy your scared of being pregnant. He shouldn’t have said that and you should discuss that with him. Perhaps you need to have some type of an agreement where you won’t pressure him to have kids for xyz number of years/months/whatever but in xyz years/months/whatever he needs to be willing to have that conversation with you because he told you he was willing to have children when he agreed to marry you.
Hope that helps!
Post # 5
@waiting- he is 28
@eeh- yes that actually does help a lot. He works with very poor children and he does see them at their worst. I actually feel a lot better thanks!
Post # 6
I’m probably in the minority here but I wouldn’t worry about it too much. My guy is kind of the same way. He used to say he wanted kids but now he says he doesn’t (but always in a semi-joking way). I’ve told him I want to have at least 1 kid, maybe 2 between 30 and 35 (we’re 25). He says his concern about kids is that it will ruin our marriage. I feel like once we’re in the marriage and we get a bit older he’ll come around to wanting to have kids again. He knows it is important to me (and your guys knows its important to you). I haven’t even really tried to talk him into it at this point because I think its premature. When I’m starting to feel like its time then we’ll have some serious convos and I’m convinced that he will be excited to have a kid with me.
Post # 7
My husband went through a several year period where he was very anti-babies. It seemed like every small child we saw (random strangers in public, nieces/nephews, his own kid sister) was constantly misbehaving and just being annoying. It made him think he didn’t want kids anytime soon. Within the past year or two as the possibility of us having them becomes more real he has really started to come around and now is completely in love with the idea. The desire for kids doesn’t come as naturally to men I think. Maybe he was just glad that your fears were a sign that you’re not ready yet and that you’re both on the same page about waiting for a while?
Post # 8
I actually am the one saying I don’t want kids, and hubs is the one who is more open to it. I have many reasons for not wanting to have kids, and maybe one day I’ll change my mind. I wouldn’t read too much into it, I’m sure he will change his mind as he gets older
Post # 9
Thanks ladies! I actually had a talk with my FI last night and he made me feel so much better. And you guys made me feel better too. He was telling me that basically that he doesnt want kids right now, and I feel the same way. We both want to travel and see the world and experience life before we are ready to welcome a bundle of joy to the world. We want to be able to give the baby every opportunity we possibly can so we want to be financially stable too.
@mrss- I think your right though, I think people change and once they start their life as a married couple things change. not necessarily from one year to another, but over time. And i know i dont want kids right now, i would be a terrible mom right now, but i know someday i will be a great mom! hehe