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Why can't he go twice? I'm sure he'll be just as excited both times.
I understand why you might be upset but just be a duck and think about how much fun he'll have with you guys
Ouch. I can totally see why you are upset. I imagine that your planned trip made her feel inadequate and jealous that you could take him and not her, hence her announcement that she was going with him. I don't have children, but I'd bet that a 4 year old would love a trip to Disney...and love 2 trips even more!
Yes, she has gone about this in the wrong way, but at the end of it all, you'll have a little boy who gets two great holidays with people that love him. Win-win. x
She should have handled it differently. I understand wanting to be there for "first" moments. Disney is a huge deal. She should have taken your FI's offer to come along with you so she didn't have to miss this first moment.
My daughters father and I are the same way. We ask each other if we have been to certain places with her yet. Like he wanted to take her to her first amusement park a few years back and I hadn't the chance to take her myself. So we decided to go together with her.
I would def have your FI talk to her about what she's doing and how it's making you both feel.
I know everyone is saying he can still go twice, but I think going to disney twice in the same year is a bit much. She really shouldnt have done that, I would be irritated too!
@mwitter80: ummmmm.... it IS her son. Admittedly, it would've been better if all of you could have gone together to celebrate the child's birthday, but if she and her ex- aren't on the best of terms (no offense, you didn't mention anything about their relationship), I can see where it would be an issue.
I can see her side, but I can also see YOUR side. I'm sorry she's doing it this way and I hope that you guys can do something else, just as exciting, for him.
((((HUGS))))
at least you know to NOT mention things like this so far in advance the next time. (Sea World, anyone? ;) unless he wouldn't like it....). Maybe just mention "we're taking him to Florida to the beach" or something like that.... (oooooh, San Diego Zoo!!!!!)
Been there. On my birthday last year, SO took his 4 yr old daughter to a jewelry store to help pick out a diamond bracelet for me. I KNEW something was up, because as soon as he dropped her off to her Mom that day, his phone started blowing up with text messages and he shut it off. A month later, I found one of SO's receipts to a jewlery store... it was for a bracelet and although it wasn't expensive, I knew damn well it wasn't for me. Before I could ask SO about it, his daughter was over and was telling me about the bracelet she got her mom for her birthday (silver bracelet that had the letters MOM on it). She was like "Yeah, Mom asked for one since you got one for your birthday."
My daughter ("M") is the same age as his daughter ("E") , so when E comes over, she naturally wants to hang out with us. I cannot tell you how many fights have been caused because E goes to the zoo, or to the lake, or plays a certain game for the first time with us. Sometimes me and M will have to go our own way to do something before E comes over so we can avoid the whole situation entirely.
PM me if you ever want to vent!
@Miss Tattoo: completely agree. and you wrote it sooo much better than me!!!
@mwitter80: This is pretty much exactly like my FI's babymamadrama, minus the Disney. It's with EVERYTHING. And I mean EVERYTHING. From vacations down to new pairs of sneakers. I have no advice, only empathy. Sorry you're in this suck situation, lady! If you ever want to talk about the BMD as I call it, feel free to PM me!
@MissMedic: ;) You live in MA, too! Looks like we may need to meet up for a margarita or 3!
@Zinzerena: FYI it's "THEIR" son not hers. My biggest issue is that she has been lying about this vacation for 4 months. She told us day trips because she knew what she was doing was wrong. She only told us now, because she doesn't have custody of him and if she took him out of state we could have her arrested for kidnapping. And FYI - not the same he's totally obsessed with everything disney
@Miss Tattoo: They are on good terms. That's what makes this whole thing so crazy. There was never an issue until the word "Disney" came up. It's totally a shame.
@Zinzerena: ^_^ I just understand what it's like as a mother of a small child of wanting to be there to share things. They only grow up once. I'm not saying the OP should just suck it up. The mom was def in the wrong here, but I also think that it should have been discussed before planning such a major trip.
@mwitter80: It is a shame. I agree. She should have had cooled down before making a jump decision. I don't know why she just didn't take your FI up on his offer of letting her come along. Since it's a "first" both of them should be there to see it. She's just trying to be first so she can say "hey! Look at me! I took MY son to Disney first! mwhahahaha!" Well...probably not exactly like that, but close. ^_^
@Miss Tattoo: I agree. Hopefully this doesn't start a precedent of the ex wanting to do the "me first" competiton stuff.
She's obviously jealous and maybe insecure as well. Now that you know how she behaves you can adjust your actions accordingly. Try not to get bent out of shape about it. Expect the worst. Be happy when it turns out better. BTW this is advice from someone who dealt with BMD for 15 years! It gets easier as the child gets older and/or when child's mother gets a new love interest. Trust me!
@Miss Tattoo: ummm, I also have two kids, but... I'm one of the lucky ones who has a former ex who wants NOTHING to do with his son, so I don't have to worry about it. My FI missed A LOT of his daughter's firsts because we lived in two different cities and I had her with me. He hated it, but, again, totally different story. He NEVER told me to not do something with her because he wasn't there to do it, also. (of course, I also tried to make sure he was there for A LOT of it, too.)
@mwitter80: you really didn't need to bite my head off. If you two feel so strongly, and since she doesn't have custody, you COULD refuse to allow her to go without you two. It's a possibility and an option, probably not the best one, though.
I'm sorry you're going through this and I truly hope that you two can work something out.
I will say that my entire life was like this. My mom and dad have not been together since I was a month old and he had a long time girlfriend that actually helped with my baby shower (whole other issue) and then was with my step mom for 10 years.
My mother took it really hard when we went on vacations. My mom could never afford to take us anywhere really nice and I traveled a tun with my dad as a kid. It makes a parent really sad to know they cannot provide for their child in that same way. Sometimes, they think you are trying to shove your money in their face as well. I'm not saying that is what the OP is doing but I am saying she could be misconstruing it that way and that for once she wanted to provide for the child something nice.
She did not go about it the correct way and I can most definitely see where your feelings got hurt but don't take it as malice. She really wanted to share that with her son and it is hard to not be there for all of the firsts. The best advice I can give is to use this as a learning tool since he is still young and you have plenty of years left of coparenting and milestones to share between the 3 of you. Do your best to keep the relationship friendly and even though this really hurt your feelings I probably wouldn't make a huge scene about it. Let her know that you guys had originally planned on taking him and you didn't appreciate her hiding her plans from you but have your DH let her know that he needs to share some of those "firsts" with him too.
@phoenix718: I hope not. My daughter's father had a girlfriend who was like that. She wanted to get my daughter's hair cut for the first time without me there. I flipped out because he almost let her do it!
@Zinzerena: I sometimes wish my daughter's father would fall off the face of the earth. lol But I continue to let him see her because I don't want her blaming me when she's older that I kept him away from her. He's the one going to have to explain why he chose to be a semi-dad.
If it makes you feel better, he probably won't remember the first trip very well. Or the 2nd trip. Because he's so very young. He'll have a great time, remember how scary Goofy was, and that might be about it. So, if it helps, realize that this situation is more about him than you, but if you make it about you (and I mean the collective 3 parents "you," not just you), you might mess things up for him. He WILL remember his parents fighting or being weird about each other.
My 3 older siblings were from my dad's first marriage, and the way their mom went out of her way to make things awkward for all of us was so, so painful for them. I'M hurt by it, because I had to watch my wonderful brothers and sister getting pulled around because someone was treating their emotions and affections like they were some kind of prize. My dad dealt with it pretty well for the most part, but their mom - ugh. Just remember that ultimately it's about the kids, not about any kind of contest for experiences or affection. They will not remember individual incidents (unless someone acts REALLY badly), but when it comes down to it they'll realize who acted with their best interests in mind and who acted out of selfishness or competitiveness.
@Miss Tattoo: understandable! I haven't done ANYTHING to block him, he just CHOSE to walk away. He's even said, to me, he doesn't want anything to do with me or his son (who he denies IS his son when and if it ever comes up!) I kinda feel sorry for my son, but in the long run, my son is better off. He doesn't need a gigilo for a dad. Explaining this to him when he's older, though, is gonna be fun... Though, he DOES know that my FI isn't his dad the same way my FI is his sister's dad (if that makes sense?). yet he always introduces his sister AS his sister. (and if anyone ever said they weren't brother/sister but half-siblings, I'd totally flambay their hides, lol)
as to your daughter's hair: YIKES!!! That's definitely something she should do with her mother first! NOT a step-mom!!!!
Can you take him to the other Disney? From what I hear, they are different parks, and you go do other fun stuff in California too. Heck, maybe even you and your SO could get a little Napa Valley Wine?
I know it isn't quite the same, and I see both sides, you and your SO's as well as the "baby mama's." Also, I know he is probably obsessed with Disney, but as someone who grew up poor and didn't get to see many of the major attractions (Disney World/Land virgin right here! :)) I still would've been thrilled with something like the Grand Canyon. I don't know if they have age limits, but he could go on a helicopter tour and I bet it'd blow his mind!
@Miss Tattoo: Oh my. Yeah, I sometimes am guilty of being too involved of a step-mom, but it's only because I'm doing something with my daughter and she wants to join in. (Hey, I can't help it that we are fun!) I can only imagine what that poor woman goes through because 5 year old girls have no filter. Anything I do with her, her Mom has to hear about. It's gotten better since SO has gotten more one-on-one with her, but it was an adjustment.
I'm confused....so you thought she was being childish by wanting to take him herself first and wanting to have that experience with him, but aren't you getting upset because now you and your husband don't get to take him to disney "first"?? Not being snarky, just want some clarification.
@LeftHanded: agree
So the birth mother was upset that she couldn't take him to Disney first, and now you are mad because she is taking him first??? Basically you are mad about the same thing you accuse her of being "childish" about. I have two kids, and I would be so mad if someone else took them to Disney and I missed that milestone, I definitely don't think that's being selfish or spiteful. It really is too bad that the little one's mom didn't stick to the plan of going altogether with her son, you and your FI.
@phoenix718: Oh! She wasn't even on the list as a step mom. lol The girl he is with now I love. My daughter loves her and she always asks me if something is okay before she does it. She called me at the store to see if it would be okay to buy her play make up. His other girlfriend would have just done it and said "oh well eff her mom if she doesn't like it!"
Again I'm more upset that she lied about it and didn't tell us what her intentions were. I also wish that she would have extended the invite for us to go, the same way that we extended it to her. We wanted for us all to be there for this. It should be about him and not about any of the adults. That's what makes it selfish.
Ok now that I've responded to that I just figured that I would post a follow up...
DH went back to his ex and asked her if we could please join them for at least the first day that they went to Disney. He stated "We extended an offer to you and agreed to pay for your ticket. We would really appreciate it if we can join you on the first day so we all get to share it"
ex:"Well we are playing this by ear. I'm not sure what day we are actually going"
DH: "Can you tell me what days you were thinking so that we can be down there for when you decide?"
ex:"Why are you trying to take this away from me. You know how important Disney is to me. You ruined my life and made me hate my child in the beginning of his life because of what you put us through. Stop robbing me from enjoying child."
DH:"I'm not trying to rob you of anything. I'm trying to not be robbed of seeing my sons reaction to something that I also see as important. Please don't get like this. I don't want it to be this way."
She then called him an asshole. Ok so it's official. The relationship that they kept is now totally tossed out the window. DH is super mad. I feel sad for the little man. I actually for sad for all 3 of them. I always thought that the little man wouldn't have to deal with this kind of divorce drama. All because of disney. Ugh. :(
this is just like in that movie "the stepmom" with julia roberts. julias character wants to take her stepdaughter to a concert and the mom says no, but then the mom takes the daughter to the same concert behind the her back. it was f'ed up in that movie and it is f'ed up in this case too. i'd like to say "don't let it bother you," but i would be fuming so i won't. if it makes you feel better, you're julia roberts in this case :)
b/c i'm childish, i would take the kid to disney a little while later and totally "one-up" the bitch. better hotel, better everything.
This sort of thing makes me sad. I like to think if my husband and I ever split up and have children I would not deny him or his new significant other anything. However.. if it were his parents taking my children somewhere that would be another story :)
If I were in your position, I would probably back off and plan a new vacation. Maybe somewhere tropical he can swim with dolphins :)
Wait...so you thought it was super petty and stupid that she was mad that you two were getting to take him to Disney first, right? And now you're mad that she is taking him to Disney first? Um...do you see where I'm going with this?
EDIT: Just saw your followup about him making her hate her child, calling him an asshole, ect. So yeah, nevermind what I said up there ^
@Wonderstruck: I've responded to the same type of statement. Here's my response to that 4 posts up....
"Again I'm more upset that she lied about it and didn't tell us what her intentions were. I also wish that she would have extended the invite for us to go, the same way that we extended it to her. We wanted for us all to be there for this. It should be about him and not about any of the adults. That's what makes it selfish."
@courtney1188 - OP said this was a "vent." and i think OP is more concerned about the lack of honesty than anything else. and sometimes we just need to release our feelings. i don't think it is ok to be condescending to OP (especially when she has explained her rationale in response to similar comments).
@Bellini: I wasn't being condescending, I was making a valid point. A point which, I see you chose to ignore, I added an edit onto once I saw OP's other posts.
@courtney1188 - your edit wasn't there at the time of my comment post (or at least while i was typing it). i didnt "choose to ignore" anything. i took your original comment as condescending not b/c of your point (which i do think is valid) but because of the way you phrased it. it is hard to understand tone through type, so maybe i interpreted it in a different way than you intended.
Lol. I saw Baby Mama and beelined to this post ha ha.
I see both sides, I would be LIVID if my ex wanted to take our daughter somewhere I havent had the chance to take her. But, it would make me happy knowing that my ex's new someone wanted to put a smile on my daughter's face. But it would only be right to ask her to come along and experience it with him and she may have wanted to share in that experience alone. It may be a little vindictive, but that is her son too.
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Beekeeper
I have a 3 yr old bonus son from DH's first marriage. We get along quite well and have never had an issue. We even exchange Mother's Day presents with eachother. However, I am so mad at her I could spit!!!!
DH and I have been planning this huge trip to Disney World for the little one's 4th birthday. I have been planning this for a year or so. When we told her that we were taking him to Disney, she got upset. She said that she wanted to take him for the first time but that she couldn't afford it. We thought her reaction was a little childish, but after conversation DH asked if she would like to go with us when we went. She told us she would think about it.
Well she told us she was taking him on vacation the first week in July and just doing day trips with her sister. Today she tells DH that she is taking him to Disney!!! Really are you kidding me??? I am so mad at her for being so selfish. The little one tells everyone that he's going to Disney for his birthday and was so excited. It's a shame that she's so selfish and spiteful that she would punish everyone. I'm so mad at her I could cry.
Done venting