Post # 1
I’m going anonymous for this one because this topic is very personal to me, I could really use your advice and opinions because I am at a loss! We are engaged to be married so of course the topic of children has come up quite a lot in the past year!
My FI and I have been together for five years, I’m 23 and he’s 25, we are getting married next year. By the time we have got married we will have been together for six years and we have never lived together or even gone on vacation just the two of us, because of his religious background.
We are both very excited about living together, we can’t wait! We can’t wait to be tourists in our own city and spend weekends out of town and take vacations just the two of us! We can’t wait to do the mundane daily tasks and spend every night in the same bed and sleeping in on the weekends! It is something new and highly anticipated!
My problem is, I’ve always loved the idea of being pregnant. I’ve always wanted to experience all that pregnancy is and to be a mom. I always thought that I would one day be able to be a SAHM and have lots of children!
My FI is amazing with kids and everyone in his family has said he will be a great father one day and I agree! My FI used to say he wanted kids and now he’s saying he’s not so sure, he’s saying he wants to take me traveling and have our time together, he wants to work on our house and be just him and I!
And the thing is.. Right now that’s all I want to! Right now I feel very selfish in that, I couldnt imagine taking care of a child, right now I want to spend all my days with my FI too, I see what my FI means about wanting to travel and be carefree on the weekends! My FI works out of town during the week and only has weekends off (he has the last five years and he might always.. The life of the trades!) and so when he’s home we want to spend all our time together!
So I’m just wondering. Are these feelings normal? If I have these feelings of wanting to have children but have no desire right now, will that change? My FI is saying no to children after saying yes before because he wants to have time with me, has that ever happened before and might that change after we’ve had a chance to live and be together?
I have all these mixed feelings and I need help sorting them out!
Post # 2
You can want children but not want them right now. That is totally fine. Spend a couple years after your wedding doing all that stuff – traveling, sleeping in, etc – then have kids.
When your FI says he doesn’t want kids, does he mean ever, or just not right away?
Post # 3
Glasgowbound: I just feel so selfish saying I hold sleeping in and spending time with my FI over our future child, but it’s totally meant that I dont think we are ready to provide the attention that a child would need right now, but one day I feel like I would!
well he’s kinda over dramatic when it comes to things.. When I wanted to take down something from the kitchen he basically thought I wanted to redo the whole thing, he is like that. Right now he’s saying no he doesn’t want kids because he wants to travel with me and spend time with me, before this he always talked like we would have kids, so I’m just attributing it to his over dramatics.. I hope, he loves kids and he is great with them but I think he’s in the same position, he wants to have our time together, after that hopefully feelings will change…
Post # 5
You’re 23. You have no need to rush into anything at all. It’s completely normal to want to live your life!
Post # 6
I feel the same way but I dont feel guilty about it… I am 22 will be 23 once married, We want kids we really do we take turns having baby fever but, we know we dont want them now… I could totally be a great mom now but, I want to be selfish I also want to give myself time to prepare finaically and emotionally to spoil and enjoy my kids to the fullest so I can and give them everything they deserve and even alittle they dont just bc I love them. I think recognizing that you are to selfish right now for kids is in turn the most unselfish things you can do right now. So be proud of the fact you are young and in love but also mature where it matters! you will know when it is right. give yourself some time to enjoy each other before adding a new member to the fun team 🙂 <br /><br />
p.s. on side note to match with your question we have lived together for over 2 years and have gone on vacations alone and with families
Post # 7
Heck I’m 26 and feel the same way. Like you, FI and I haven’t lived together, so we are so excited about finally being able to do all the little things you mentioned. We’ve agreed that we both like the idea of having kids, but neither of us want them right away. We want to enjoy each others company. We’ve agreed that we will wait two years and we’ll bring up the topic again. It’s perfectly ok to want to focus on your new marriage before adding kids to the mix.
Post # 8
It is absolutely normal, and in fact I’d say emotionally mature and healthy (especially at your young age) to know you want children in the future, but not have a desire to have them right now. It isn’t selfish at all to want to spend some time, even several years, enjoying the company of your husband in a way that will become much more difficult once children are in the picture. You have plenty of years ahead of you in which to enjoy both the childfree life, and also parenthood, so enjoy them both in their time! One thing I would suggest is to have a very honest discussion of this topic with your FI. Although you may be correct that he’s only being dramatic, if having children in the future is important to you, I would suggest being sure that he hasn’t ruled out being a parent before getting married. Perhaps talk with him about what you would like to accomplish and experience together before starting a family, and how many years you can devote to that.
Post # 9
rosecut: peachacid: thank you both! That is really something I needed to hear!
LadyPeacockk: it is so nice to hear that you’re feeling the same way! Thanks for making me feel better and for showing me that my feelings are something to be proud of not guilty of 🙂
FutureMrsBex: I feel like we are the only couple around that don’t already live together, in fact most of the people my age in town already have kids.. They aren’t married either though! So it makes me feel like I have to rush to accomplish all these things! Thanks for your reply! It’s nice to know there are others out there in the same situation!
LadyAna: thank you so much that means a lot to me to hear what others think of my feelings and opinions! It can be difficult sometimes to have conversations with my FI in so much that im so gulible and he always is goofing off when we have serious discussions, I mean this guy said we were never getting married up until the week he proposed, although I knew he was joking! The kid topic is definitely something we should have a more serious conversation about, he knows that I want kids some day, i just need his affirmation that some day he does too.. I’m afraid he’s only thinking of the first few years and not all the years afterwards..
Post # 10
Anon2Bee: Of course it’s normal! I went through baby fever and marrying fever when I was 19. Several of my friends (3-4 years older than me) were having children and getting married, etc, so it made me want it too. Obviously it wasn’t in the cards as the person I was dating ended up cheating on me (best thing to ever happen, as I met my husband the following year). And while we had our daughter very soon, and didn’t have much me time, I don’t regret it. But if I could do things differently, I sometimes think about the fact that I would have enjoyed having more time with my husband before our daughter came along.
What does your husband think? Does he want to wait a year after marriage, several? Not try at all? I know you mentioned he’s not sure, but that’s not exactly an answer either. It can go either way. My husband and I thought of having kids 5 years down the road, well whoops, had the first one within the first year. But from the beginning we had planned on having kids. So that was helpful for me. Is your hsuband at least open to the idea later down the road?
Post # 11
Anon2Bee: Yours and his feelings might both very well change, and may change many times! When I was your age, and up to 26 in fact – I wanted not much else than a baby, a child, a family. Now, at 27, am very very happy that I don’t have any children. I am so very happy with our lives, and excitedly looking forward to a potentially child-free future.
It might not feel like it right now, but you have so much time to decide. Don’t pressure yourselves to have it figured all out, and enjoy living in the moment a bit.
Post # 12
Anon2Bee: Given both of your ages, it’s completely normal not to want kids at this time. I would suggest focusing less on this and more on developing a strong relationship. Now is a great time to enjoy your relationship, your 20’s and life in general. If you are genuinely worried about his “desire” to have children, then you should sit down and have a serious conversation about it.
I am 26 and DH is 28, and we have started discussing children more seriously. When DH was 25 like your FI, he said, “absolutely no children in the next few years” and he had a hard time even “thinking” about children. Honestly, he wouldn’t even talk about it for more than 30 seconds.
Now, three years later, he is so much more open to the idea. We have discussed it quite a bit. In fact, he basically said, he is ok with TTC “any time after we are in our home for a year.” My jaw just about dropped…we bought our first home this past June.
While it excites me that DH is just about ready to TTC, I am definitely not quite there yet. Therefore, we have decided to wait a few more years.
Post # 13
There is absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting kids NOW, but knowing you want them in the future. I do think that it’s important that you and your FI be on the same page in regards to whether or not you want them EVER, though, and that needs to be decided BEFORE you walk down the aisle if it’s a deal-breaker for you, (and it sounds like it is). You don’t want to marry him just assuming he’s joking when he says he doesn’t want them, or that he’ll change his mind back again if he IS being serious. He might, but he might not. And if you would be unhappy never being a mother, then you want to know that before you marry him.
Post # 14
It’s fine to put off having kids for a while if that is what you want, but I would stop assuming that he is just being ‘dramatic’ and find out if kids really are off the table for him permanently. As other Bees have said, this is something that you MUST be in agreement on before you walk down the aisle. Wishful thinking on this subject has led to an awful lot of misery and divorces. Given your situation, pre-marital counselling would be a very good idea.
Post # 15
Many people want to enjoy being married before having kids. Nothing unusual there.
Funny how someone can feel uncomfortable about NOT having lived together. At one time in our culture, there was a huge stigma to living together without being married, but now people are shocked if a couple chooses to wait until marriage to move into the same home.
The truth is there are advantages and disadvantages to both choices. Living together does give you a sense of what the other person is like to be around 24/7, but some people want the wedding to be a very special beginning of a new life. I have also seen women devote a lot of years of their lives to living with someone who is never willing to marry them.
Relax about this.