Baby or no baby? PLEASE help!!

posted 2 years ago in Pregnancy
Post # 2
Member
3718 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

You can want children but not want them right now. That is totally fine. Spend a couple years after your wedding doing all that stuff – traveling, sleeping in, etc – then have kids. 

When your FI says he doesn’t want kids, does he mean ever, or just not right away? 

Post # 4
Member
1349 posts
Bumble bee

give it time.

Post # 5
Member
9949 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

You’re 23.  You have no need to rush into anything at all.  It’s completely normal to want to live your life!  

Post # 6
Member
1043 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I feel the same way but I dont feel guilty about it… I am 22 will be 23 once married, We want kids we really do we take turns having baby fever but, we know we dont want them now… I could totally be a great mom now but, I want to be selfish I also want to give myself time to prepare finaically and emotionally  to spoil and enjoy my kids to the fullest  so I can and give them everything they deserve and even alittle they dont just bc I love them. I think recognizing that you are to selfish right now for kids is in turn the most unselfish things you can do right now. So be proud of the fact you are young and in love but also mature where it matters! you will know when it is right. give yourself some time to enjoy each other before adding a new member to the fun team 🙂 <br /><br />

p.s. on side note to match with your question we have lived together for over 2 years and have gone on vacations alone and with families 

Post # 7
Member
1876 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Heck I’m 26 and feel the same way. Like you, FI and I haven’t lived together, so we are so excited about finally being able to do all the little things you mentioned. We’ve agreed that we both like the idea of having kids, but neither of us want them right away. We want to enjoy each others company. We’ve agreed that we will wait two years and we’ll bring up the topic again. It’s perfectly ok to want to focus on your new marriage before adding kids to the mix. 

Post # 8
Member
114 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

It is absolutely normal, and in fact I’d say emotionally mature and healthy (especially at your young age) to know you want children in the future, but not have a desire to have them right now. It isn’t selfish at all to want to spend some time, even several years, enjoying the company of your husband in a way that will become much more difficult once children are in the picture. You have plenty of years ahead of you in which to enjoy both the childfree life, and also parenthood, so enjoy them both in their time! One thing I would suggest is to have a very honest discussion of this topic with your FI. Although you may be correct that he’s only being dramatic, if having children in the future is important to you, I would suggest being sure that he hasn’t ruled out being a parent before getting married. Perhaps talk with him about what you would like to accomplish and experience together before starting a family, and how many years you can devote to that.

Post # 10
Member
3531 posts
Sugar bee

Anon2Bee:  Of course it’s normal!  I went through baby fever and marrying fever when I was 19.  Several of my friends (3-4 years older than me) were having children and getting married, etc, so it made me want it too.  Obviously it wasn’t in the cards as the person I was dating ended up cheating on me (best thing to ever happen, as I met my husband the following year).  And while we had our daughter very soon, and didn’t have much me time, I don’t regret it.  But if I could do things differently, I sometimes think about the fact that I would have enjoyed having more time with my husband before our daughter came along.

What does your husband think?  Does he want to wait a year after marriage, several?  Not try at all? I know you mentioned he’s not sure, but that’s not exactly an answer either.  It can go either way.  My husband and I thought of having kids 5 years down the road, well whoops, had the first one within the first year.  But from the beginning we had planned on having kids.  So that was helpful for me.  Is your hsuband at least open to the idea later down the road?

Post # 11
Member
1016 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

 

Anon2Bee:  Yours and his feelings might both very well change, and may change many times! When I was your age, and up to 26 in fact – I wanted not much else than a baby, a child, a family. Now, at 27, am very very happy that I don’t have any children. I am so very happy with our lives, and excitedly looking forward to a potentially child-free future. 

It might not feel like it right now, but you have so much time to decide. Don’t pressure yourselves to have it figured all out, and enjoy living in the moment a bit. 

Post # 12
Member
4043 posts
Honey bee

Anon2Bee:  Given both of your ages, it’s completely normal not to want kids at this time. I would suggest focusing less on this and more on developing a strong relationship. Now is a great time to enjoy your relationship, your 20’s and life in general. If you are genuinely worried about his “desire” to have children, then you should sit down and have a serious conversation about it.

I am 26 and DH is 28, and we have started discussing children more seriously. When DH was 25 like your FI, he said, “absolutely no children in the next few years” and he had a hard time even “thinking” about children. Honestly, he wouldn’t even talk about it for more than 30 seconds.

Now, three years later, he is so much more open to the idea. We have discussed it quite a bit. In fact, he basically said, he is ok with TTC “any time after we are in our home for a year.” My jaw just about dropped…we bought our first home this past June.

While it excites me that DH is just about ready to TTC, I am definitely not quite there yet. Therefore, we have decided to wait a few more years. 

Post # 13
Member
2593 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

There is absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting kids NOW, but knowing you want them in the future.  I do think that it’s important that you and your FI be on the same page in regards to whether or not you want them EVER, though, and that needs to be decided BEFORE you walk down the aisle if it’s a deal-breaker for you, (and it sounds like it is).  You don’t want to marry him just assuming he’s joking when he says he doesn’t want them, or that he’ll change his mind back again if he IS being serious.  He might, but he might not.  And if you would be unhappy never being a mother, then you want to know that before you marry him.

Post # 14
Member
1072 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

It’s fine to put off having kids for a while if that is what you want, but I would stop assuming that he is just being ‘dramatic’ and find out if kids really are off the table for him permanently. As other Bees have said, this is something that you MUST be in agreement on before you walk down the aisle. Wishful thinking on this subject has led to an awful lot of misery and divorces. Given your situation, pre-marital counselling would be a very good idea.

Post # 15
Member
1133 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Many people want to enjoy being married before having kids. Nothing unusual there.

Funny how someone can feel uncomfortable about NOT having lived together. At one time in our culture, there was a huge stigma to living together without being married, but now people are shocked if a couple chooses to wait until marriage to move into the same home.

The truth is there are advantages and disadvantages to both choices. Living together does give you a sense of what the other person is like to be around 24/7, but some people want the wedding to be a very special beginning of a new life. I have also seen women devote a lot of years of their lives to living with someone who is never willing to marry them.

Relax about this.

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