Post # 1
I try not to let things get to me but today I just feel upset. (could be my lack of sleep)
So here is my little back story.
My brother an d I are 3 years apart in age and have been close most of our lives. In June 2003 (10th grade) I started dating my Fiance. We were 16 and had no idea where our relationship would take us. In November 2003 my brother started dating his now wife ( they were both 19). They got engaged Feb 14 2008 and got married September 20 2009. I was a very involved bridesmaid. I took long weekends for the shower, bachelorette party and a week off the week of the wedding to help out as much as I could. We lived, talked and breathed her 2009 wedding last year. We got engaged Feb 26 2009 and our wedding is September 10 2010. I asked my SIL to be my Matron of Honor almost as soon as we got engaged. I knew she would be as much as a help as I was to her. She was the first to take me dress shopping as soon as I got engaged. Fiance and I Knew we wanted a 2010 wedding.
Since the beginning, Fiance and I have been trying to make sure our weddings are not the same. I picked all different venues, having a band vs. dj, having cupcakes rather than a traditional cake, no flowers at all and doing a photobooh for favors for fun. I did not want my family members saying how they were at the exact same wedding less than a year ago. A few weeks ago I was talking to my SIL and she made a comment about how my wedding was a “repeat” of her wedding because I used the same dress designer (very different styles), have the same card box (because it was BY FAR the best box for its price) and used the same place to print the invites. So that hurt my feelings a few weeks ago. I just took a deep breath and decided it wasn’t anything to get angry over.
Fast forward to this week. I’ve been feeling a little down because I know all of my bridal party have been trying to get together to plan the Bach party. (by this time last year her party was 95% planned) and nothing is planned for mine plus she hasn’t helped at all with the shower. I get a phone call from my SIL (and MOH). I figure it is about the shower or bach party. Well this is what she says. They have been “trying” for one month. She thinks she may be preggers. I was like great I might be an auntie! YAY! After that 45 min phone call I got a little glum and thinking about how she may not fit into her bridesmaids dress and then how she has not stepped it up as my Maid/Matron of Honor.
Today I was in the car for over an hour with her. My Fiance and my wedding, bachelorette party, or shower was not brought up once. All she talked about was how she MAY be pregnant and how she feels. I understand that she is excited and how it would be nice if it only took one month but I just feel so sad and bitter because I feel like my wedding is going to get over looked because they might (or soon will be) pregnant.
Maybe I’m over emotional…
Post # 3
I’m sorry you’re stressed. Sometimes it feels like planning a wedding is like being pregnant…you’re emotions go haywire. It’s great you were such a big help during her wedding.
Her pregnancy won’t overshadow your wedding. They are both exciting and joyous, but different. And your wedding won’t overshadow her pregnancy. She might have to get her dress altered, but that won’t be the end of the world. My fiance’s aunt is giving birth a month before the wedding, so she’ll have the newborn at the wedding at it’ll be the first time the family will get to meet the little one. I wouldn’t worry. It’s normal to get frustrated during all this, but your family has a lot of positive things happening!
Post # 4
I guess the hardest part is I feel bad that I feel so upset. I am very very VERY happy for them, do not get me wrong, that could be my first future niece of nephew. Thanks!
Post # 5
Eh, I wouldn’t beat yourself up. Its normal. This is a big stressful life changing thing, getting married. Everyone needs support. I think its pretty common to want to feel more supported and then feel silly saying “no, let’s talk about my centerpieces more!”
Post # 6
Honey, I am in an extremely similar situation. Extremely. I feel your pain and I don’t blame you one little bit for feeling this way. Babies are a big deal and it’s a very happy occasion…but I do think many brides at least a little bit look forward to having HER wedding be the center of attention for a small period of time, especially among those who support and love her.
Three of my best friends got married in three consecutive years, and when I was in their weddings, it did seem like their weddings were the main event of the respective summers. I put a ton of money, planning, and energy into helping out with their multiple showers and bachelorettes. I helped them move in and out of their new apartments, helped them register, hauled wedding gifts to and fro, etc. Since I became engaged, all three women have become pregnant, and one will be due two weeks before my wedding. She is planning on having her one week old baby at my bachelorette party (she deliberately planned it this way instead of having the party before she delivered). Even though I am absolutely thrilled for my best friends and am happy to support them, I do privately have mini-pity parties in my head when I think about what a big deal all their weddings were when they got married, and mine feels like a side show in the midst of all these babies.
I bet when your friend finds out if she is or isn’t pregnant, and she fully aborbs that information, she’ll start mentioning your wedding again. Learning from my friends, trying to have a baby is a very stressful time and it does seem very thought consuming. I’m sure she’s absolutely thrilled for you and you’ll have a wonderful wedding! Don’t feel bad about those thoughts though…it’s completely normal and you’re not the only one feeling that way. 🙂
Post # 7
TheFutureMrsK — Thanks. It feels good that someone can relate to how I feel so now i dont feel so crazy. I’m sorry that you have to go through this similar situation. I guess I have always been a giving person and I forget that not everyone’s like that.
Post # 8
I’m sorry you are stressed ouit. Not everyone has very involved bridesmaids. Do you think you could have another Bridesmaid or Best Man plan the events since she is busy with other things? Really, it is about who you want to be there to support you at your wedding, not who will plan the best party. I did not have a shower, bachelorette, anything. Part of me wishes I had but that isn’t the end of the world to me.
Post # 9
MissAsB— Your comment made me more upset.
- Shes not just a bridesmaid. Shes my Maid/Matron of Honor, SIL and one of my best friends. I chose her (and she accepted) to be my Maid/Matron of Honor because I wanted her support and she planned on helping me. Now that shes (trying, may or may not) preggers its all about her.
- I could care less if I did or did not have a bach party but when you have 2 Maid/Matron of Honor and they keep telling you your having one…(id rather stay in and watch movies)
- …then one of my Bridesmaid or Best Man call me the other day asking when my bachelorette party was because she wanted to go to NYC around the same time and didnt want to over lap. How am i supposed to know, i’m not planning it. If they plan on throwing one… shouldnt they all know by now.
- we were in the car for an hour and a half and she didnt ask me one thing about the wedding.
- I’m not stressed out. I feel great about the wedding. I feel upset with her and the situation.
Post # 10
Everyone is the star in their own life. It sounds like she’s going through a really exciting time as well, and yes, that is overshadowing your wedding in her mind because it’s HER experience and life. That’s normal. Plus, I wonder at the fact you can’t go an hour and a half without talking about your wedding (or feel insulted if she goes that long without bringing it up.)
I know she’s your Maid/Matron of Honor, and she’s special to you, but her life doesn’t stop because you’re planning a wedding. She’s allowed to not be as interested in your wedding as you are, especially during such an exciting time in her life.
I think you need to take a step back from this one. Even the most enthusiastic person can only talk about weddings so long. Just read your own words “now that she’s preggers, it’s all about her”. It sounds like you want it to be all about YOU. But that’s not how friendship works. Let her have her excitement.
Post # 11
I’m sorry what I said upset you. Unfortunately, no one cares about your wedding as much as you do since it’s your wedding. I’m sorry that they chose to try to get pregnant when you were planning but there isn’t really anything you can do to stop them. I would just try to have a serious talk with her and if she can’t be the Maid/Matron of Honor that you want, maybe she should step down from that for a more honorary position and have someone else do the planning for the pre-wedding events.
Post # 12
I just thought I would chime in here. I have no advice, but I am in the same situation. My FI’s baby sister got married last Feb (09) and we have been trying to have our wedding ever since last May. We got engaged in May (after her wedding) and tried to have it in Canada 2 times already.
My FI’s parents flew to Canada for her wedding, but were unwilling (for somewhat, legitimate reasons) to fly to Canada for ours this upcoming September. So we cancelled ours and have tried to plan it for April 2011, when they will be in Canada again. Just about to book the church and the Future Sister-In-Law announces that she is 3 weeks pregnant. Which is fantasic to me. I am so happy for her and can’t wait to be an Auntie. But, on the other hand, she was to be my Maid/Matron of Honor, as I asked her a few months back. I figure, as she is a little on the superficial side, she might fuss a bit about fitting into the dress. Then the FIL’s announce that they have to be there for the arrival of the baby in Jan 2011 and we have to change our date to Feb now! Ugh..
So now I only have 10 days to Squeeeeze my one and only wedding in. I would have had over 2 weeks off from work for the April wedding. Not to mention that the baby will be 3 weeks old. Again, she likely won’t be thrilled putting on a fitted dress and will likely be tired and not interested in my wedding. Totally sucks. But… what can you do?? I have run out of ideas and I really don’t care anymore about all the little details anymore. I am trying to think positive. I will have my parents, my grandparents, his parents and a beautiful, long awaited ceremony in a lovely church. All of which are at the top on my list of priorities. Guess that will have to be enough.
I hope you can find some positive things to make you feel better. Just remember it is about the 2 of you and uniting your families. Be grateful for your health and your happiness!??
Post # 13
I think it is normal to be upset and have mixed feelings. We can’t help how we feel. But I’d second what OPs have said about everyone being the “star” in their own life.
Post # 14
I think you just have to have a direct conversation with her and express that the parties mean a lot to you – there isn’t anything wrong with that. If you don’t set expectations, you can’t be upset when they’re not met. You may have figured that she was on board with being the mirror image of you as Maid/Matron of Honor as far as level of involvement, but she might not feel the same. I’m sure she wants to be there for you but is just wrapped up in what’s going on in her life. You can always say that BMs Jane and Jenny are part time party planners and would probably be a great help if she needed assistance planning to jumpstart that portion of the conversation.