Post # 1
One of my closet friends, and the main hostess of my baby shower, has shown quite a bit of displeasure with hosting the shower, despite refusing to let others help organize or fund the party. Ms. Hostess has been blatantly rude to another very close friend (and one of the other girls planning the shower), threatened not to come, threatened to walk out if things do not go her way, complained to me that too many people had questions (about things like the registry and dress code) and that the shower was too much work, etc.
My MIL and SIL have offered to coordinate all of the planning if I want to tell Ms. Hostess that I no longer need her to host the shower.
I’m completely at a loss for what to do. On the one hand, telling her not to come would pretty much torch our friendship. On the other, she seems to be miserable with the plans, I’ve heard from the other girls planning it that Ms. Hostess has made it uncomfortable for them to contribute ideas and I can’t trust Ms. Hostess to not pitch a fit at the shower.
It’s next week. I need to tell MIL by tomorrow whether I want her to take more charge with the organization.
At this point, I just want to cancel the whole thing – but MIL, SIL and a few other friends would be crushed.
What to do?
Post # 3
I don’t know that it would be fair to cancel this close. I would imagine invitations have been sent out, decor and other items probably purchased, other things planned, guests buying gifts, etc.
I understand things are stressful but thats not really reason to cancel. I’m not sure why she would pitch a fit at the shower but maybe you can find ways to avoid that.
I think if Ms. Hostess is hosting then its probably not up to you to have your MIL take more charge with the organization. I would stay out of it and show up gracefully. If something does go wrong/bad it will reflect poorly on Ms. Hostess and no one else.
Post # 4
I wouldn’t cancel the whole thing — I’d just kind of “fire” Ms. Hostess. I know that sounds harsh, but I’m actually concerned that she’ll start a major fight with other guests, and I just can’t have that.
Post # 5
Yea, I know thats a huge concern but honestly, I think you should just stay out of it.
If she doesn’t make a scene or start something with guests then it will only look poorly on her.
Post # 6
Fire the Hostess- she should grow up and realize this is YOUR day not hers- if she can’t play nice, then she can’t play at all. She will get over it.
Post # 7
Well, has she put a lot of money into the shower? I’m inclined to tell you to boot her. It would be a shame to ruin the friendship, but that would be her decision. This is your shower, it’s such an important day- you don’t want her to make it tense for you or the others involved. I think you should just tell her that your MIL/SIL want to plan the rest, make it sound as if they were offended that they didn’t get to do it from the start. That’s what I would do. Not that lying is the best option, but I advocate on the behalf of well intentioned lies!
Post # 8
I think you should just let her vent and continue to host the baby shower. It’s not like a wedding where you are ultimately in charge of the look and feel of the event. Baby showers are generally offered and while the parents to be are usually involved in selecting a date and creating a registry….they aren’t involved in much else.
In short, my advice is to stay out of the planning process and ask the other participants not to come to you with the drama. It’s always hard for different personalities to work together but that’s not for you to fix.
Post # 9
Have you witnessed her behavior or just heard it from others? One thing I noticed from my shower, is that people have different ideas of what is a fun or even proper shower, and those ideas can clash on things like etiquette. IF you lean towards “firing” her, I think you should be prepared to pay for her expenses and give her a chance to explain/rectify the situation first. Usually things aren’t as bad as they sometimes at first seem, and usually things are more of a misunderstanding rather than someone being “bad”.
Post # 10
I would relieve her of the responsibility of planning any further. Maybe this is tacky, but can you ask your MIL or SIL to do the dirty work for you? maybe give her a call, let her know that there has been some concern over sharing planning responsibilities, and that it would best if she just attend the shower as a guest and leave it at that. You’re having a baby – you do not need to be concerned with all this stress! And if you’re friend holds a grudge, just explain to her later that it was becoming to stressful and overwhelming so you thought it would be best if family planned/hosted the shower from here on…
Post # 11
Thank you everyone.
My MIL and SIL are willing to do all of the dirty work, take on the expense, etc. I just need to say the word. Ms. Hostess has invested money in to the shower, but we’ll all be sure she is duly compensated.
Since I posted this yesterday, Ms. Hostess and MIL have communicated via email several times about planning, but I’m still really worried and will feel really uncomfortable having Ms. Hostess there. She said to me yesterday, “I don’t even want to come” (among everything else).
@cannotwait: Yesterday, she threatened (directly to me) not to come to the shower at least three separate times and also threatened (directly to me) to start trouble with another friend who is helping to plan. I was willing to look over the general complaints (also to me) about her time and effort, but the threats seem a bit much.
I really appreciate all of the advice!
Post # 12
oh, then she’d be “out”…NO stressing out the pregnant lady!
Post # 13
I think that the next time she complains to you, ask her what she wants help with, and just ask your mom and mother in law to do it. If she complains and doesn’t want help, then she’s just complaining martyr, and doing it to herself.
Post # 14
this sounds bizarre. have you talked to her? maybe something else is going on in her life right now?
Post # 15
I would straight out tell her that her help is no longer needed. You’re concerned about ruining your friendship, but if she’s acting that crappy towards you and your family/other friends, she’s not that great a friend in the first place. Why would you want that drama and worrying if she’s going to cause a scene at your shower?? If she doesn’t want to come after being “fired” that’s on her. Enjoy your day w/ your ladies!!
Post # 16
@kitzy: I’ve talked to her. There’s definitely other stuff going on wth her right now (and I’ve been a very, very supportive friend), but the stress of worrying about what she’s going to do at the shower is making me a little less sympathetic . . .