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I'm really sorry that you've been so hurt by this experience. :( Have you considered marital counseling? It might help you deal with some of these feelings. I honestly don't know why this disgusting tradition still exists. At a bachelor party, your FI isn't enjoying his last day of being single, he stopped being single long before he proposed to you. It's so messed up that it's considered okay to cheat on your SO/fiancée/wife just because of some stupid tradition. I'm glad my FI has assured me that he will absolutely not go any of those nasty types of joints: he'd rather turn away or stay home and piss off his friends than hurt me like that, plus he doesn't find them appealing anyway (he's never been to a strip club before for a reason!). I only can hope that his will is strong enough to live up to that promise! It can be hard for a guy to go against his friends, especially if they're hurling emasculating insults at him and such. I would definitely recommend that you speak to a marital counselor because you unfortunately had to go into your wedding with bad feelings about your husband and his friends and they've lingered if not built, but you got engaged and planned a wedding for a reason. you love your man and it's definitely worth trying to work things out before they escalate.
Thanks for sharing that your FI is so much better than mine. I dont mind, honestly, I realise fully the power to stop it was his. I live in Manhattan where we have all been in analysis since we could walk but thanks!
that wasn't my intention, and if you'll notice, i said that i don't know if he'll actually be able to stick to his promise either! guys are all too easily swayed by their friends, and don't realize how their actions will hurt their loved ones until it's too late. i'm sure it's never their intentions.
in any event, good luck, and i'm sorry you feel so bad. how am i to know if you are in analysis? it works for a lot of people who wouldn't have otherwise considered it. and if it isn't working for someone, then sometimes they need to try a different therapist! i know i went through seven until i found one that could actually help me. and my FI was born and raised in nyc and has never been to therapy although i'm certain it could help him. so if you've been with the same therapist for a long time and feel that you're in a rut with him/her, then maybe look for someone else whose technique or personality you mind find to be better for you. if that's not the case, then don't jump at me for making the suggestion, because i don't know your life story, i just know that a lot of my friends have fallen into the same sorts of situations with their therapists where things just weren't working and they weren't sure if anyone would ever be able to help them.
ju1244, I think you need to look at this objectively. And in my opinion you are over-reacting. Jumping down the throat of another poster who is obviously trying to help you out is not constructive. We're all friends here on WB :) I think considering a new therapist could be an idea, as if you still have a big problem with this a year after your marriage, this hurt you have been holding on to could really be damaging to your relationship. I understand that bachelor parties aren't for everyone, but it's done and dusted now and it wasn't his idea to do this kind of party. He's stressed to you that he didn't want that. If this is the biggest issue you have in your relationship (the fact that you, one year after the fact, are pissed that he didn't put his foot down) then you are a lucky woman. But what does this symbolise for you? Is there more to the story? He didn't cheat on you, didn't lie to you, and told you things most men might neglect to tell you to soften the blow. He loves and trusts you. Why are you making him out to be a bad guy? I get that bachelor parties are pretty gross, but for many men they consider them a right of passage. If the boys organised this party for him, he probably went along with it because he didn't want to be rude. Yes it was awful what those other men did to their wives, yes he should have stood up for himself. But seriously, the things those men planned and did are their issues, not yours. Have a good long think about why, one year after a beautiful wedding, you cannot let it go and are letting this dictate your feelings about both him and your marriage.
I don't blame you for being upset with him. You expect your partner will have the strength to stand up to anyone to protect your relationship and (I am assuming) that you are hurt that he didn't protect it.
I don't know your relationship but maybe he really didn't realize how much it would hurt you. He probably just thought that it was unplesant that they had decided to do this but that he would go along with it since his friends had put the effort into planning it and didn't want them to have bad feelings.
He might have thought "Well, she knows that I don't like this stuff so she knows I won't do anything while I am there so I will just grind my teeth to get through it and then go home which is where I would prefer to be." He probably didn't realize that him not protecting your relationship would be what you would be upset about, because he didn't think about this on a bigger scale.
I hope that makes sense and that you feel better!
Stormy, I appreciate your post. I guess its fair to say no one reading my initial posting knows me, but obviously I've had a year to think about this, its not like me to hold onto something. In every other way I am an exceedingly evolved person This has left an indelible footprint on my marriage and the wedding. Sometimes things are just too awful to pretend they didnt happen.
I hate that my husband's brother and best friend are scum. It has obviously changed the way I feel about them, and I think, due to their embarrassment or guilt, they never treat me as they did before and certainly not as I deserve. It has made a MAJOR impact on the entire environment in which I am supposed to live. Beyond that our Rabbi put his foot down and said no such inappropriate activities, so its not like he didnt have a moral compass. I'm not sure the whole thing wont prove to be a deal-breaker at the end of the day. I didnt want a husband thats a weenie, that couldnt stand up to his friends, who is fine with the fact that they have no respect for their marriages, doesnt mind that they sit at my table, and should tell them they had better either treat me as they once did or get out of our lives. I think thats the biggest problem. I am being treated shabbily as a result of their guilt. It isnt always obvious, but it hurts me all the same. And just about every frame of my wedding is tinged with the jerks who served as groomsmen. Honestly the details are really too graphic to post
Sometimes in my alone moments I truly think it would be easier just to start over
I'm with you 100% I get it, and I wrote a similar post a while back. I dont think you over-reacted at all. I think it is the reaction of any healthy girl with any modicum of respect for herself or the institution of marriage that she thought was going to carry her to old age. It is a big deal and I do think it is unkind to respond with boasting about a personal contrast. Imagine if you said your FI thought you needed to lose weight and a Bee responded with, My Fi just loves my body. NOT VERY HELPFUL!
SO SORRY you are suffering over this, I get how this changes the entire environment you are expected to live in and how it changes things somehow. I think you are really frustrated too b/c the pain is all yours to bear and your husband will never understand how much damage it has done. Therapy might not fix that. I am about 10% better than I was a year ago, but am hoping for quantum leap forward any day now.
My best to you sweetie, fingers crossed for us both.
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Well I am married now, almost a year. My wedding in so many ways turned out far greater than I had ever imagined. I planned for a scale of say 5 or 6 and in the last month leading up my husband pushed it (and our spending) to 10+. I had the biggest, grandest wedding and the pictures; let me tell you, are epic!
That said the day for me was a nightmare. 3 things I couldnt control really put the nails on my cross. The first was my then FI's bachelor party. Trust me when I tell you, he did NOT want to go to Las Vegas, didnt want that whole thing and really felt let down by his best friend who should have done what he asked for. (A guy's weekend at a lodge somewhere, poker, movies, a roast of the future groom...something to video tape and enjoy for years to come) Seems like the whole exercise was an excuse for the married guys to get a little action. And the majority of them did. Disgusting. Yes, my husband told me and I hate knowing what I know about some of them now. Hate knowing it when I go to their houses for dinner, or have lunch with their wives. Incredibly, some of the guys who flew cross country to attend the Bachelor Party didnt manage to make it to our wedding. Tacky doesnt even begin to describe this.
I was livid that he went, not only for the obvious reasons but more so because, he didnt have the balls to stand up to his guy friends when he was being forced into something he swears he didnt want to do. I know you are all thinking he has pulled one over on me but I know him about this. I am not saying he is a saint but he is more likely to watch porn ALONE or have an affair with one girl in private than enjoy a stripper grinding on him in public. ESPECIALLY not in front of his friends. Trust me he is shy and embarassed about such things, and the fact that the girl is actually working (being paid to like him) does not escape him. Had he met some willing girl, alone in the bar that night, who knows what he might have done. Mind you there are times I wish he would play the animal bad boy with me but that isnt him. NONETHELESS, he went, knowing I was not happy about it, claiming to be mad at his friend, pissed at his brother and feeling jilted that none of his friends cared enough about him or knew him well enough to do what HE wanted rather than serve their own frustrated needs. In future I think bachelor parties should be held the night before you get engaged. That is my opinion but it marks the end of not being committed, so the idea of this debauchery leading up to a life together, well I've said enough.
I wish I could tell you I didnt have that layer of disgust on my wedding day and during the rehearsal dinner. No one saw it but it was there and it didnt occur to me to drink a lot of champaign to try to numb it. I dont drink much so I didnt think about it. I'd have traded a hangover for the gloomy malaise any day.
The other 2 nails on my wedding belong in another post but I would like to submit this one to all of you out there. It has changed the way I interact with these same guys, hurt me, portrayed my husband as a man who cant stand up for himself, completely broke the love spell I was in leading up to our wedding and believe me-I'm looking outside of that group for god-parents. My husband and I have not discussed this yet, but I dont see how I can justify any of them as options. Hope this helps at least one of you. And more than that I am hoping that blogging about it will help me get past it. Believe me, I have tried.