(Closed) Bachelor Parties-After the Fact

posted 8 years ago in Grooms/men
Post # 3
Member
2196 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

I’m really sorry that you’ve been so hurt by this experience. 🙁 Have you considered marital counseling? It might help you deal with some of these feelings.  I honestly don’t know why this disgusting tradition still exists.  At a bachelor party, your FI isn’t enjoying his last day of being single, he stopped being single long before he proposed to you.  It’s so messed up that it’s considered okay to cheat on your SO/fiancée/wife just because of some stupid tradition.  I’m glad my FI has assured me that he will absolutely not go any of those nasty types of joints: he’d rather turn away or stay home and piss off his friends than hurt me like that, plus he doesn’t find them appealing anyway (he’s never been to a strip club before for a reason!).  I only can hope that his will is strong enough to live up to that promise!  It can be hard for a guy to go against his friends, especially if they’re hurling emasculating insults at him and such.  I would definitely recommend that you speak to a marital counselor because you unfortunately had to go into your wedding with bad feelings about your husband and his friends and they’ve lingered if not built, but you got engaged and planned a wedding for a reason. you love your man and it’s definitely worth trying to work things out before they escalate.

Post # 5
Member
2196 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

that wasn’t my intention, and if you’ll notice, i said that i don’t know if he’ll actually be able to stick to his promise either! guys are all too easily swayed by their friends, and don’t realize how their actions will hurt their loved ones until it’s too late. i’m sure it’s never their intentions.

in any event, good luck, and i’m sorry you feel so bad.  how am i to know if you are in analysis? it works for a lot of people who wouldn’t have otherwise considered it. and if it isn’t working for someone, then sometimes they need to try a different therapist! i know i went through seven until i found one that could actually help me.  and my FI was born and raised in nyc and has never been to therapy although i’m certain it could help him.  so if you’ve been with the same therapist  for a long time and feel that you’re in a rut with him/her, then maybe look for someone else whose technique or personality you mind find to be better for you.  if that’s not the case, then don’t jump at me for making the suggestion, because i don’t know your life story, i just know that a lot of my friends have fallen into the same sorts of situations with their therapists where things just weren’t working and they weren’t sure if anyone would ever be able to help them.  

Post # 6
Member
78 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

ju1244, I think you need to look at this objectively. And in my opinion you are over-reacting. Jumping down the throat of another poster who is obviously trying to help you out is not constructive. We’re all friends here on WB 🙂 I think considering a new therapist could be an idea, as if you still have a big problem with this a year after your marriage, this hurt you have been holding on to could really be damaging to your relationship. I understand that bachelor parties aren’t for everyone, but it’s done and dusted now and it wasn’t his idea to do this kind of party. He’s stressed to you that he didn’t want that. If this is the biggest issue you have in your relationship (the fact that you, one year after the fact, are pissed that he didn’t put his foot down) then you are a lucky woman. But what does this symbolise for you? Is there more to the story? He didn’t cheat on you, didn’t lie to you, and told you things most men might neglect to tell you to soften the blow. He loves and trusts you. Why are you making him out to be a bad guy? I get that bachelor parties are pretty gross, but for many men they consider them a right of passage. If the boys organised this party for him, he probably went along with it because he didn’t want to be rude. Yes it was awful what those other men did to their wives, yes he should have stood up for himself. But seriously, the things those men planned and did are their issues, not yours. Have a good long think about why, one year after a beautiful wedding, you cannot let it go and are letting this dictate your feelings about both him and your marriage.

Post # 7
Member
139 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I don’t blame you for being upset with him. You expect your partner will have the strength to stand up to anyone to protect your relationship and (I am assuming) that you are hurt that he didn’t protect it.

I don’t know your relationship but maybe he really didn’t realize how much it would hurt you. He probably just thought that it was unplesant that they had decided to do this but that he would go along with it since his friends had put the effort into planning it and didn’t want them to have bad feelings.

He might have thought “Well, she knows that I don’t like this stuff so she knows I won’t do anything while I am there so I will just grind my teeth to get through it and then go home which is where I would prefer to be.” He probably didn’t realize that him not protecting your relationship would be what you would be upset about, because he didn’t think about this on a bigger scale.

I hope that makes sense and that you feel better!

Post # 9
Member
4 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: November 2008

I’m with you 100% I get it, and I wrote a similar post a while back.  I dont think you over-reacted at all.  I think it is the reaction of any healthy girl with any modicum of respect for herself or the institution of marriage that she thought was going to carry her to old age.  It is a big deal and I do think it is unkind to respond with boasting about a personal contrast. Imagine if you said your FI thought you needed to lose weight and a Bee responded with, My Fi just loves my body.  NOT VERY HELPFUL!    

SO SORRY you are suffering over this, I get how this changes the entire environment you are expected to live in and how it changes things somehow.  I think you are really frustrated too b/c the pain is all yours to bear and your husband will never understand how much damage it has done.  Therapy might not fix that.  I am about 10% better than I was a year ago, but am hoping for quantum leap forward any day now.

My best to you sweetie, fingers crossed for us both.

 

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