- 8 years ago
- Wedding: December 2011
I need some help. I know everyone has their own opinions about the subject, and anything I say from here on is my own personal opinion based on my own experiences and I would hope that people do not take offense to this, or fight with each other over ensuing opinions offered. But I need some specific advice about my situation and would totally appreciate your help! Sorry in advance that this is kind of a novel, but I just want to explain where I’m coming from.
Up until a few years ago, I had no problems w/strip clubs, strippers or men going to strip clubs. I went when I was single with a group of male and female friends and had fun. Everything was totally above board, the women weren’t pushy, the music was fun. I even went once with FH and some of our friends and had a good time then.
But there was an incident about 3 summers ago, shortly after FH and I decided to move in together, that has changed my opinion and feelings on the matter. Here goes: His friends (one guy, one chick) that we were hanging out with one afternoon decided they wanted to go a strip club in Queens (where I lived at the time). FH was living in Manhattan at the time, and I was supposed to spend the night at his place b/c my roommates were showing my room to prospective roommates early the next morning. We had been drinking much of the afternoon and it was super hot out and I guess I didn’t drink enough water. Around 3PM, we had had enough, but didn’t have a plan for the rest of the day. The four of us then parted ways (I had to go back to my place to pick up clothes, etc for the next day and the other 3 went to the chick’s apt. nearby), and FH told me he’d call me in a bit to let me know what they planned to do for the evening. About 5PM or so I got a call that they decided on going to a strip club, and I could to meet them there around 7PM; we’d hang out for a few hours and then head back to manhattan. By the time I was getting ready to leave, I started to feel a little sick (a little dazed and nauseous) but went anyway because I had to end up back in Manhattan, right? After getting to the club and being given the third degree and being humiliated by the bouncer about why I was trying to go in by myself (and literally, I was wearing the most conservative outfit possible and had a giant overnight bag), the manager finally let me in so I could find my group. As the minutes wore on I started to feel worse, and a strip club was the last place I wanted to be. I was visibly not well and not having a good time, and both of FH’s friends in front of him asked if I was ok or if I needed anything and I said very clearly that I wasn’t feeling well and didn’t really want to spend the rest of my night here. Still, FH kept pounding drinks – he was going back and forth between beer and whiskey like it was going out of style – and not making any moves to leave. Finally I couldn’t take it anymore and said I was leaving, and FH was like, Ok bye! I was thinking “WTF???” but instead asked if he planned to stay much longer, and said only about another hour or two. It was about 9.15PM when I left, so I told him to make sure he called me when they were ready to head back to the city so I could go back with him, and he was like, ok sure. He never called me. I waited up until about 11.45, and not even so much as a text message. I was extremely hurt and upset (and this was the icing on the cake for some other issues that hadnt been worked out related to him being selfish and not offering to do anything for me when I needed something or got sick or whatever), and almost considered ending it with him. Obviously, I forgave him and we worked things out, and nothing like this has really ever happened again. However, now the thought of him being at a strip club makes me ill because of the association of this very hurtful incident. It’s not that I don’t trust him; I just find it hard to trust him around some of his friends.
Also, the longer we have been together, the more I really started to question this “last hurrah” attitude about bachelor parties. Because of my personal experience and because I’m actually in a long term committed relationship, I think its ridiculous that men feel the need to see 1/2 naked women throwing themselves at them just before getting married is a cop out. I get wanting to have fun and doing something crazy before making a big commitment, but I just hate this status quo viewpoint of men viewing marriage as being the “end” or that they’re being “tied down”. And if going to strip club is your way of dealing with that, I find it very disrespectful to the person you’re about to marry. It also irks me that while the man’s fiance is sitting at home and has spent lots of time planning for this special day, he’s out getting boobs shoved in his face. Which isn’t to say that women don’t go to strip clubs for their bachelorette parties either – it just doesn’t seem to me like nearly as many women do as men, and it is socially acceptable for men to do it.
In any case, FH has gone to only one bachelor party since the above mentioned incident. The guy and his fiance were living in TX at the time and came to NY to do their bach parties the same weekend. I knew it couldn’t get too out of control since she was around and also his dad was there. FH told me what they did, but I have a sinking feeling he didn’t tell me everything (and I asked, it wasn’t him offering the info). We’ve never actually discussed how the other feels about strip clubs since the incident a couple years ago, and he’s never asked me how I feel about him going with his friends. Now FH has planned his friend’s bachelor party in Montreal in two weeks and I’m starting to freak out a little. Primarily because aside from the groom, FH will be the only other person there who is in a comitted relationship, and one of the guys going is in the process of getting divorced is has been going after anything in a skirt for the last few weeks. Also, the groom told us how lame he thought a mutual friend’s bach party was b/c they just hung out and drank, and expressly requested there to be some type of stripper activity at his bach party. This groom is FH’s best friend, and FH is the best man, and basically worships the ground this guy walks on (I don’t see why – he’s a nice guy and all but he has his problems and he’s not really one of my favorite of FH’s friends), so he’ll kind of do anything and go along with whatever this guy wants to do because 1) he wants to show his friend a good time, and 2) he doesn’t want to be the party pooper. And he’ll be less inclined to walk away if there’s heavy drinking involved, which there will be.
SOOO, all that being said, this whole thing makes me really uncomfortable. It’s kind of been eating away at me lately and I’m not sure how to broach it to FH. I’m at a point where I’d be ok with him going to strip club b/c it’s in public and it’s all above board (and only so much can happen). But I am 100% NOT OKAY with him doing the “champagne room” thing or having strippers at their hotel. But I’m trying to figure out the best way to tell him all this without being inflammatory, accusatory or making him feel like he can’t show his friend a good time. I also want his word that he won’t do any of those things no matter what state he’s in, and that if something did happen that he wasn’t supposed to do, that he’d be honest with me and tell me.
Ladies, any advice on how to talk to FH about all this? Has anyone had any similar experiences? I would love any and all advice!