Post # 1
My fiance just had his bachelor party which included strippers. Even though everyone tells me to get over it, that this is simply tradition, it really bothers me. I suspect that I will be unhappy at the wedding because of it. I don’t care that everyone feels that I am over reacting, this is how I feel. I am seriously thinking of postponing the wedding so that we can work on our relationship. We will lose about $4000 but I feel that it will be worth it if I will be unable to enjoy the day anyway. How do I get him to understand how I feel and how can we improve our relationship so that we may be able to get married someday?
Post # 3
Can you give us a little bit more information? It’s a little hard to give you advice without knowing more about the situation. How much time do you have before the wedding? Had you guys talked about the bachelor party ahead of time, and did you guys set any guidelines or limitations? Did he know how you felt about strippers? What his thought on you being upset about this now?
Post # 4
Yup, same question about talking before hand. If you both discussed the stripper thing, then I can support being really upset about that. He broke your trust. (And I hear ya. I’m not OK with the stripper stuff.)
If you didn’t discuss it, should he have known? Typically, I think you should give him a break if he didn’t know.
Also, sometimes the groomsmen just have a mind of their own. I’m not saying that’s OK. If they want an excuse to go to a strip club, they should just go, not make an occasion of it from your wedding. (IMO) But sometimes the groom doesn’t know what they’ve planned.
Post # 5
Thanks for getting back. I only found out about the bachelor party after it occured. When I asked him about it he shrugged and said that it is just tradition and I should have expected it. When I got upset he said that I was over reacting and that he still loved me and that he had simply done what all other grooms do. I guess I felt like a fool as I have been working on the wedding, the cake, the photographer, the menu and his only contribution was to go get lap dances. I was being stupid as I was thinking this would be a special, romantic time between us. As important as strippers seem to be to a wedding, I fail to see how they make the occasion more romantic between the couple. By pulling back, I feel that we could have time for candle lit dinners and to go for walks on the beach. He knows I love walking along the beach, even in winter. Hopefully these activiites would become the prelude to our wedding. Does this make sense to anyone?
Post # 6
Try as hard as you can to move on. Now that he knows how you feel he probably won’t do it again. Hopefully. It’s nice to know that there are still some people with strong morals. I am not one of them (lol) as I don’t really care if my FI goes to a stip club, but today is society we are so desensitized towards that type of thing you lose sight of a lot of things that ARE important.
Post # 7
I completely understand. I hate the idea of a traditional bachelor party, actually when did strippers become traditional??? I think it should be a celebration of your future marriage, NOT a "hes about to be lost forever its his last night of freedom party". Why celebrate marriage by doing something that completely defies the sanctity of marriage??
I think that he was wrong to go through with it since u already expressed ur feelings about it. He should have told his friends no.. but at the same time I think guys cant handle peer pressure as well as we can. I’m sure it was mostly the fault of the guys planning it.. and ur guy just went along. He should be more sensitive to your feelings, definitely.. but are you sure this is something that you want to postpone your wedding over?
Your feelings are definitely justified and i would try to talk to him about how you feel, without being angry or upset… I know my guys listens better if I dont attack him with anger.
Truth is, you cant go back and change it… so I think you need to look deep within your heart and see if this is something you can get over.. or if it has opened up an underlying problem in the relationship?
I say all of this in advice to myself as well… my FH friends canceled our group party because they insist on a stripper.. my FH doesnt even want one, but he doesnt want to piss off his friends. Bleh… stupid boys.
Post # 8
I might have missed it, but did you tell him before the party that you don’t like the idea of strippers? That’s kind of important.
But it’s also sounding like he isn’t being very sensitive to your feelings…
Post # 9
I think the most important thing about the engagement period is communication. Sure my husband didn’t want to talk to me about a majority of the wedding planning, but when I was stressed or needed a break he made sure to take care of me.
If you didn’t clearly lay out the rules of engagement about the bachelor party, I am not sure you can condone him for his actions, particularly since these discussions may or may not come up while you are dating.
If you are postponing the wedding because you think there will be more time for bonding, etc, you may be delaying the inevitable. Unfortunately wedding planning will fill whatever void of time you have, so the key to bonding is strictly just making time for it. Make a date night where wedding planning is off limits. Also make a wedding night where you insist that he plans the wedding with you, you would be impressed what talents they can bring to the table, and besides it his day as well.
If you are postponing the wedding because of more serious issues, lack of communication or lack of trust, then you need to get his attention and sit him down and really talk about it. Have a plan!!! Tell him whats wrong. Consider premarital counseling, etc, but don’t just delay and not have a plan of assistance because it likely will just not heal itself.
Lastly just open with him. The more you communicate with him the more he will communicate with you. Take the initative and make him walk on the beach with you, maybe he has given up on such things because he ask and you say you are too busy. Let him know your life isn’t just about wedding planning.
Post # 10
Like Tanya, I am confused about the issue of him knowing before he went to his bachelor party, it sounds like you hadn’t talked about it with him, since you mentioned you "found out after it happened." Although we would all love our FH to read our minds, if you hadn’t laid out the boundries I don’t think its fair for you to cancel the wedding. I’m sure your thinking "he should of known" or "he should of said no I don’t want stripper b/c it might upset my FI" but the truth is there are girls who are okay with their FIs going to the strip club for one night so he prob thought "she expects me to go to a strip club and since she didn’t say anything about it before she prob is cool with it." Guys don’t overanalize situations, its very black and white and if you never expressed your disgust with strip club bachelor parties, in his mind that must mean your okay with it.
Now if he did know about it, that would be a different story, and would be a matter of him breaking your trust.
Post # 11
I completely understand you being upset about this. And I guess an important thing to think about is whether you two discussed the possibility of strippers before hand. If you did, and he deliberately did that knowing you feel- that’s a whole different ball game…
FBIL had his bachelor party in 07 (Vegas) and it was awful. He went in a vip room with a couple strippers..FI was the best man and I literally didn’t sleep all weekend. Luckily FIs friends are much more tame than his brothers, but I still can’t shake that memory.
Personally, I think your bachelor/ette party is the life that you live before you decide to marry someone. It’s not *okay* for someone’s husband to be at a strip club in Vegas, so why is it alright for a fiance or boyfriend? Just my opinion, obviously people will be on both sides of the issue. 🙂